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I want someone who will couples skate to the song, I swear by All 4 One and mean it for reals
I'm sorry but I can't help but laugh if you attempt to dance to hip hop music and fall flat on your face
My favorite ride at Six Flags as a kid was the air conditioned car ride home
Women on average check their phones more than 1,500 times each week so I know you got my message
Going on a blind date stoned as fuck isn't rude, if anything, it's just a glimpse of what's to come
Less than a week after gay marriage. Ben Affleck is divorcing Jennifer Garner! Coincidence? I think not. Matt Damon reported to be ecstatic
Who else is going to be mad if gay weddings turnout exactly the same as a regular wedding. We need to see disco balls, glitter, and strobes
gay marriage has been legal in Canada for 10 years now pic.twitter.com/tonBVqVDVZ
Why can't I ever find love? pic.twitter.com/CzLwIGermF
Gurl you must be underworld because I'm lycan you.
I would never ask a girl if I could send her a dick pic...
I would just do it
Guy#1- I was so drunk last night I blew chunks.
Guy#2- Yeah I threw up too
Guy#1- No. Chunks is my dog
Shout out to the single but married gal that wanted my "BBC." Whatever that means.
We don't serve crown royal is the equivalent of saying we don't serve niggers
Her: *singing* I give you love and infection.
Him: You mean love & 'AFFECTION'?
Her: You should get tested.
I almost forgot how not funny I am but that last tweet will always be a constant reminder. Thank you Twitter.
You can unfriend me on Facebook
You can unfollow me on Twitter
You can delete my # from your phone
But you can't unsuck my dick
If you don't think I'd ever fight for love... try touching my french fries #lunchtime
S/o to all the bad bitches riding around in a hooptie. I see you gurl
I thought #DWTS
was a new std that everyone was tweeting about
According to my calculations we're all fucked
I traded being well liked for keeping it 100
Oh you're graduating high school next month... Welcome to the struggle.
Who needs body glitter when your leg hair sparkles in the sun like that?
Staying with a woman for a long period of time......
There's a joke in there somewhere.
Eyebrows gotta be on point. That's bad bitch 101.
Happy Easter. Passover some of that dank and help me resurrect my high
Jesus is technically a zombie
Too early to start drinking?????
All these timelines and bullshit, I'm always on my grind, so I rhyme lines to the fullest. #RhymingIsEasy
Would it make you mad knowing that mom was probably looser than you when she was your age?
"I wanna take u home and breastfeed u" - some guy to @KThileman
The Wendy's I just walked into is swanky as fuck. Dave would be proud #rip #wendys
Just spent this $2 bill I've been holding onto on a soda cuz I'm bad at commitment
My version of spring cleaning is finishing off all the alcohol in the fridge
Witty banter on twitter is as wasted as I am currently am #youbethejudge
New catch phrase: Snap, crackle, pop motherfucker
I'm still using an iPhone 4 and my tweet game is still on fleek