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Cptn. Jake
The purpose of candy is to basically add flavor to your saliva so that you can enjoy sucking your own spit. Candy is really fucked up.
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I have a PhD in eating ass so the girls call me Neil DeAss Tyson
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PURSE SO HEAVY, MAKIN’ OPRAH DOLLAHS
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Ladies, if that "handsome hunk" says he's got a "big peen", tell him I betcha it is big... So big that it won't fit into Heaven, Sinner!
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My tumblr dash is having one of those days where it's whiny teenagers who think that being 13 is incredibly difficult.
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As a feminist I am turning the crosshair to gays. It is very mysoginistic to not be attracted to women.
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300% damage. 50 lives. all items on. bet money.
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yall callin me a pleb for doing items on?? you wanna know how we do it in japan??
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uhhh shit baby I’m about to *AIRHORN SAMPLE**AIRHORN SAMPLE**AIRHORN SAMPLE**AIRHORN SAMPLE** cum
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sick and tired of people saying I only made it in the rap game because i have an ass like @IGGYAZALEA smdh....
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little known fact: me & @Drake recorded a jazz polka EP in 2006 & promised each other we'd release it once we both had 'fuck you' money
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This is why your Internet is slow. And it’ll get worse. Unless you take 1 min to do this, now. battleforthenet.com
Just noticed i had terrible grammar in a tweet earlier and i DON'T CARE
Also i found out why i find Scarlett Johannsen is great, her voice is cute as fuck.
I have just been reminded about how great Her is, although i know if i watch it will cry be very upset for the rest of the day...
CAN'T BELIEVE WE ALL MISSED THIS SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE ON THE IPHONE 6 RELEASE. #iPhone6 pic.twitter.com/zx8EGVh2Wm
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iPhone 6 has digital IS. iPhone 6 Plus has Optical Image stabilization. Oof. So many nudges to get 6 Plus. pic.twitter.com/yv0Z9CRRjN
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I know people wanted bigger phones but making them like 5 times bigger than humans seems a bit much. #iPhone6 pic.twitter.com/DTIdQv6i81
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Why do I always feel cold in the morning :/
What could we have possibly done to deserve Pitbull
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This picture sums up my life up to this moment. pic.twitter.com/xPXFcXsklp
the shame of being caught taking a selfie really stings deep
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Yikes dudes, tonight why not fantasize about a brand spanking new spiritual life rather than "spanking" a stranger's unwholesome b*ttcheeks?
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How to tell parents you’re a meme loving faggot
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You can care about a new royal baby if you want. I'm not judging you. But the citizens of Westeros were probably happy about baby Joffrey.
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A lot of people don't realize that Saving Mr Banks is actually a sequel to Saving Private Ryan.
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Officially getting a tattoo soon, aw YAS
A shark eats like 4 guys, then 3 guys go and kill it. #ExplainAFilmBadly
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ya homie i got "that loud dank" right here. it's called the Bible try smokin on that truth nug, bra the best high comes from The Most High!
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Oh hey, looks like they're looking for a guy like @KhailAnonymous OH YEAH FORGOT THEY FIRED HIM FOR NO REASON LELELE pic.twitter.com/3fUae5yCXC
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.@pewdiepie i cant masturbate quietly without waking up my roommates because i scream too loud and cry. where is a safe place?#problempewds
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siK "snapback" bro. but guess who "snapbacked" after 3 days to save your soul? u guessed it big guy. Jesus. #howrefreshing #yummygrace
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a group of hipsters is called a "heard it!" lol but really. you should believe in Jesus.
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