True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
First of all, don't cheat on a test. Second of all... these are freaking genius ways to cheat on a test: bit.ly/1dyajEV
I'm a nice person, I just hate everyone.
Tips to make you feel more awake during the day: bit.ly/1c21vk1
Play fighting is always a fun way to initiate sex.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Reading texts half asleep is like looking into the sun.
Best kind of laughter: Laughing so hard that your laugh becomes silent.
My ex? Yea I'd hit that... with a car.
Ohhh man, this is the most badass Lego ever... bit.ly/1fbUX6y
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
Want to beatbox? Just say "boots and cats" repeatedly.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sunflowers are yellow,
I bet you were expecting something romantic but no, these are just gardening facts.
Why can't a bike stand on its own? Because it's two-tired! *slaps knee*
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
I don't care how old I am. If I lose my mom in the supermarket, I will panic.
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm, 50% a combination of both.
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
"Trust me, you can dance." - Alcohol
Epic fast food life hacks, my mind is blown... bit.ly/1fb7Lu3 #ad
I don't care if it's 3am, I don't consider it "tomorrow" until I wake up.
I'm not sure how people get eaten by sharks... I mean how do you not hear the music?
Attractive person: "Hey."
Me: "Who paid you..."
You can never be "just friends" with someone you were in love with.
Running up the stairs in fear because you felt an evil presence behind you.
"Aww, how old is your baby?”
“Bitch, don’t make me do math!"
This still blows my mind about Spongebob... bit.ly/1bDQk25
I just spotted some ducks at the pond practicing their teenage girl faces.
I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck?
Do you ever go on YouTube just to watch a music video, then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to giraffes.
Bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
The ultimate way to ruin a sexy moment... All you need to you here... bit.ly/1kq1eMq
Sarcasm is a way of life.
I'm on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle.
You never really realize how weird your friends are until you start to describe them to someone else.
Your parents are hiding your Hogwarts acceptance letter because they're jealous.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
In "I Am Legend" Will Smith survived alone for years. But then 24 hours after a woman shows up, he dies... AND she stole his bacon...
For every woman who wants to know which Disney princess they are: bit.ly/18gj3gN
What do your dreams mean?! This: bit.ly/18Mariv
Every day, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.
A ghost could be humping you right now and you would never know.
When someone says, "expect the unexpected", I like to slap them in the face and say, "did you expect that?"
This is genius, if I knew these cheating tricks when I was in school, I would be president... bit.ly/1dyajEV
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
I just threw a grenade at Bruno Mar's girlfriend. That dude is all talk.
The craziest beer pong tables you've ever seen (pics): bit.ly/19puvBu
Banging your head against a wall burns up to 150 calories per hour.
Me: "I wanna go on a diet."
Food: "Lol, no."
Me: *eats a snack while making a snack*