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Just completed a 5.66 mi run with @RunKeeper. Check it out! #RunKeeper
I was at that family reunion for 35 minutes before I finally realized I didn't know anyone & that I was the only Black guy there
Good morning and by that I mean dont talk to me.
I just made myself a sammich', cut it in half and realized... that I don't need a woman. Wait...... who's, gonna' clean this knife? DAMNIT!!
Just completed a 5.54 mi run with @RunKeeper. Check it out! #RunKeeper
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
If you don't know me by now....I'm a really good stalker.
Just completed a 1.85 mi run with @RunKeeper. Check it out! #RunKeeper
I've only grown two feet in my life. I'll show myself out....
I just earned the 'Night Out' badge on @untappd!
Wow this is an awesome beer. Wish it wasn't limited edition.... (Mosaic Promise) #photo
Jokes on you, hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Disney on Ice tickets and a golf umbrella.
Just completed a 5.32 mi run with @RunKeeper. Check it out! #RunKeeper
Ate a big healthy salad for lunch, so OBVIOUSLY I'm having an entire pack of Oreos for dessert. It's all about balance.
..."the later I get here, the quicker this ends" isn't the appropriate answer when your boss asks why you're late
Ladies: be careful out there. Some guys are just in it to get married and have a family with you. Don't be taken advantage of.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself? Me: Very responsible. Interviewer: Great, let me have your résumé. Me: I forgot it.
Just completed a 2.45 mi run with @RunKeeper. Check it out! #RunKeeper
A woman asked me for my phone number today and it felt pretty good. Sure it was when I was ordering pizza, but it still counts.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
I'm so thankful I found Jesus... He makes the best burritos.
Just completed a 5.16 mi run with @RunKeeper. Check it out! #RunKeeper
Got this new calorie counting app. Each day I go for a new high score.
Just completed a 2.46 mi run with @RunKeeper. Check it out! #RunKeeper
Just completed a 4.15 mi run with @RunKeeper. Check it out! #RunKeeper
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I'd go with ” doesn't pay attention to instructions.”
This stuff is good. I like my stouts too. I'd drink again. - Drinking an Imperial Stout by @foundersbrewing -
Just completed a 5.46 mi run with @RunKeeper. Check it out! #RunKeeper
When someone says "The last thing I'd want to do is hurt you", I'm wondering why they have a list of things to do that includes hurting me.
Just completed a 5.14 mi run with @RunKeeper. Check it out! #RunKeeper
Just completed a run in 0:00 with @RunKeeper. Check it out! #RunKeeper
The cashier at Dairy Queen is so cute, saying "Have a nice weekend," like I won't be back tomorrow. Or later today
Just completed a 4.15 mi run - Today went great. Only 1 stop today. Knee was starting to tighten up ... #RunKeeper
Just completed a run in 0:00 with @RunKeeper. Check it out! #RunKeeper
Just completed a 2.53 mi run - Quick jog. Now to 'run' to work... #RunKeeper
Just completed a 5.52 mi run - Went pretty well tonight. Lil bit of pain, but that's everyday. Wanna ... #RunKeeper
Just completed a 0.64 mi run with @RunKeeper. Check it out! #RunKeeper
Just completed a 1.34 mi run with @RunKeeper. Check it out! #RunKeeper
Just completed a 5.56 mi run with @RunKeeper. Check it out! #RunKeeper
Just completed a 2.54 mi run - Real quick sprint before work. I'll make up for it tomorrow. #RunKeeper
Just completed a 4.26 mi run - Ist time running with the weight vest. Only at night from now on. The ... #RunKeeper
#FathersDay is a special day in a NBA player's life when he reflects on his 9 kids while getting a beej from an 18-year old named Sin-A-Bun
Just completed a 3.15 mi run - Today was a speed workout of light poles. Sprint 5,walk 5. Of course ... #RunKeeper
Just completed a 5.38 mi run - Looking ugly. But someone has to put in the hard work. #RunKeeper
People in love use phrases like "takes my breath away" and "swept me off my feet". I think they're confusing love with attempted murder.
Hey there lady at #WalMart, you either need shorter titties or a longer shirt.
Why is everyone saying 4/20, 1/5 is the proper fraction.
Fact: Cadbury Creme eggs are filled with genuine rabbit semen. #HAPPYCHOCOLATEDAY