Share this page
I only need drugs to tolerate other people's lack of them.
Opinions are like assholes - they're offered up more freely when people are drunk.
Don’t dance like no one is watching, dance like someone is watching and about to slide a twenty dollar bill into your underpants.
When a girl says, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best!" It basically means she's psycho.
Fuck this class... @susyzue @cathy1119
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I'm sorry. but I've moved on.
#JasonCollins twin brother wanted to make sure he stood out...
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color nine.
And that's from the heart... #knicksfans #Knicks
Knicks fans be like...
#TwerkTeam
Eddie Winslow, N Steve Urkel...
I think OKC fans are a little bit upset...
Can't decide if I want to put my soup in the microwave for 30 seconds & have luke warm soup or 31 seconds & have 3rd degree mouth burns..
It's the same person...
Call my girlfriend... Call my girlfrien... Call oy girly... Call of gurty... Call of duty.
Derrick Rose Season Highlights...
Derrick Rose be like...
The only difference between a collector and a hoarder is the station the show is on.
Wrestled a bear, broke a croc's jaw, subdued a python, and kicked an elephant in the nuts. Slow day at the office...
The real Consuela...
The secret to my amazing vegan burgers is real beef.
Hey let's meet somewhere for drinks and text the people we'd rather be hanging out with.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually DOES have an amazing story from band camp.
Morning wood? You mean morning steel.
Taylor Swift rebounds better than the
#Knicks.
Saying you'll wake up early in the morning to get something done, then in the morning convincing yourself it's not important
And I'm not gonna say it again... #Knicks
#Knicks fans be like...
Inside the mind of J. R. Smith...
Knicks fans be like... @teamswish #CmonSon
Oh word?...
Just ate an entire 180 day supply of gummy vitamins sitting in traffic and now I'm bullet and fireproof. Probably.
If a girl ties her hair up before going down on you, that shits about to get real.
#ItsAboutToGoDown 
In other words... Stop talking about us
Some days I hate getting up for work, but then I think oh well, only another 40 years to go, and that always cheers me up.
Being able to read minds would be amazing, but constantly hearing about how sexy and awesome I am would get old.
I'm not gonna tell you again...
Someday I'll get in line at the grocery store and the person ahead of me won't be insane. Today is not that day...
I love restaurants that have signs like "Since 1916". It's a great way to know the place you're eating at was probably super racist.
A frog goes to his doctor, the doctor says "I'm afraid you're going to croak very soon." the frog enjoys the joke and makes peace with death
Referring to another employee as a "gingeraffe"will land you in the HR office...no matter how tall and redheaded they are.
#CmonSon
Phone, wallet, & keys... Tap each pocket to make sure the 3 essentials are there, and then walk out of the door. (Throwing knife optional)
Mother's Day is over....
For real... #HappyMothersDay