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its Topsy Kretts
When someone says "The last thing I'd want to do is hurt you", I'm wondering why they have a list of things to do that includes hurting me.
Just completed a 5.14 mi run with @RunKeeper. Check it out! rnkpr.com/a6qdtca #RunKeeper
Just completed a run in 0:00 with @RunKeeper. Check it out! rnkpr.com/a6q8mpy #RunKeeper
The cashier at Dairy Queen is so cute, saying "Have a nice weekend," like I won't be back tomorrow. Or later today
Just completed a 4.15 mi run - Today went great. Only 1 stop today. Knee was starting to tighten up ... rnkpr.com/a6otucg #RunKeeper
Just completed a run in 0:00 with @RunKeeper. Check it out! rnkpr.com/a6otb4b #RunKeeper
Just completed a 2.53 mi run - Quick jog. Now to 'run' to work... rnkpr.com/a6nhpuw #RunKeeper
Just completed a 5.52 mi run - Went pretty well tonight. Lil bit of pain, but that's everyday. Wanna ... rnkpr.com/a6jopxr #RunKeeper
Just completed a 0.64 mi run with @RunKeeper. Check it out! rnkpr.com/a6jo876 #RunKeeper
Just completed a 1.34 mi run with @RunKeeper. Check it out! rnkpr.com/a6jd1mz #RunKeeper
Just completed a 5.56 mi run with @RunKeeper. Check it out! rnkpr.com/a6hbbq2 #RunKeeper
Just completed a 2.54 mi run - Real quick sprint before work. I'll make up for it tomorrow. rnkpr.com/a6aw18l #RunKeeper
Just completed a 4.26 mi run - Ist time running with the weight vest. Only at night from now on. The ... rnkpr.com/a68l2oz #RunKeeper
#FathersDay is a special day in a NBA player's life when he reflects on his 9 kids while getting a beej from an 18-year old named Sin-A-Bun
Just completed a 3.15 mi run - Today was a speed workout of light poles. Sprint 5,walk 5. Of course ... rnkpr.com/a66al7j #RunKeeper
Just completed a 5.38 mi run - Looking ugly. But someone has to put in the hard work. rnkpr.com/a65ywio #RunKeeper
People in love use phrases like "takes my breath away" and "swept me off my feet". I think they're confusing love with attempted murder.
Hey there lady at #WalMart, you either need shorter titties or a longer shirt.
Why is everyone saying 4/20, 1/5 is the proper fraction.
Fact: Cadbury Creme eggs are filled with genuine rabbit semen. #HAPPYCHOCOLATEDAY 
So you will suck a dick but won't drink tap water? #ThatsIronic
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping FUCK YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
The #AwkwardMoment when 2 pedophiles talk to each other on Facebook pretending to be kids, & meet up somewhere
"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company.
According to this restraining order it is NOT appropriate to say "I know" and wink when the HR lady says "I ... tmi.me/1dT6G5
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
In high school I was voted "least likely to have a date for our 20 year reunion". I guess they didn't count on my Mom still being alive.
You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, KIK, Instagram and Snapchat, but for God's sake, don't ever talk to me in real life.
The difference between being an astrologer and a pervert is merely the angle of your telescope.
Walmart pokes holes in the condoms to ensure customer retention
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
how much can't could a white girl can't even if a white girl literally could not even.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don't know how to play chess.
Turns out these candy hearts are just Plan B pills with "eat me" written on them in Sharpie.
Show her you care by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.
Women are supposed 2be like a butterfly, beautiful & hard 2catch..instead y'all bitches are more like mosquitoes, annoying & easy to smash!
My future wife should take note of how quickly I've turned on my favorite team.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
I totally get why Hitler turned evil. If I spent all those years putting my hand up and no one high fived me I'd be pissed too.
Necrophilia - The urge to crack open a cold one...
I call my condoms Peyton Manning. Cause they usually just stay in the pocket.
*Justin Bieber goes to jail *Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest *learns cellmate is dyslexic
Cancelled my appointment to the sperm bank. I told them I couldn't come.
So far I've spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
I woke up praying McDonald's would still be serving breakfast but I just missed it by 6 hours.
Eventually we're just gonna have to accept "ducking" is a swear word
Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. Ok, fine, mannequin. But she doesn't talk much and I like that.
Studies show that 1 in 4 white girls "literally can't even" right now.