Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.
Got all my Christmas shopping done this morning. Hope everyone likes Halloween costumes.
There's nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
I am so broke I am being sponsored by a kid in Africa..
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don't have to hear what she's talking about.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
Seeing a hot girl with another guy and instantly sizing him up and thinking "I could take him"
Sometimes for fun, I slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the grocery store and then watch the clerk's reaction.
Lil Wayne be like:
Pushed a nun in a wheelchair, call that Virgin Mobile
My Ex: "Baby I'm pregnant"
Me: "The number you are trying to reach is no longer in service. Error: 40044"
I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment needed. We just sleep together every night.
Women who pretend to like football are the same women who pretend to be on birth control.
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
I saw a spider in my bathtub, so I got a piece of tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
I feel like crying...
Wait a minute.... I see what the problem is... I'm just listening to Drake
Lil Wayne be like:
Got HIV from an alligator, call that gatoraids
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear.... I don't know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
me waking up every morning:
i can't wait to go to sleep tonight
Lil Wayne be like:
Got my grandma on speed dial, call it Instagram
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I'm facing sexual harassment charges.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'Thank you' is all I need. Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
If you get in a fight, and somebody yells “worldstar”. You better fight for your life.”
That awkward moment when I'm drunk and you're still ugly.
That awkward moment when you have to get over someone you never even dated.
I may look calm, but in my head I've already killed you 3 times, AND hid the body.
turns the radio on
turns radio off
dies and goes to hell
Me: Can you believe that after all that crap they're still together!?!
Friend: Who ?
Me: My buttcheeks
There is no "i" in "team." But there's an "i" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team." So....there.
All this makeup is hiding how certain girls really look. Smokey eyes,thick ass eyebrows. Gotta take these bitches swimming on the first date
If you get pulled over for a DUI, you should get 1 chance to beat Rainbow Road on Mario Kart w/o falling off. If you can, you're free to go.
I ran over my cat with a lawnmower. I guess you could say. *takes off glasses* I tore that pussy up.
I hope you slide down a cheese grater into a pool of rubbing alcohol...
Someone just told me I was immature....well guess who's not allowed in my treehouse anymore?
My first memory was 9 months before I was born. I went to this crazy party with dad and left with mom.
I said to a fat girl today, 'You're a big girl!' She replied, 'Tell me something I don't know'. I said, 'Salad tastes good...'
There was a 4 car accident in Mexico yesterday, 87 died.
Still not entirely sure what rhymes with "hug me."
Got fired from Bath and Body Works. Apparently coming up behind customers & whispering, "it puts the lotion in the basket," is frowned upon
How do you fix a woman's watch? It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.
I look at people sometimes and think for real? That's the sperm that won?
dont lie..We all stand in the shower and let the water run down our arm to make it look like were shooting water from our fingertips
There are two rules for success:
1.) Don't tell everything you know.
Why is there no I in team? Because the little Pixar lamp stomped the hell out of it.
Want to go out?
"I have a boyfriend"
"I have a math test tomorrow"
" Sorry, I thought we were naming things we could cheat on...
I was on top of my girlfriend all of last night. I freaking love the new bunk-beds I just bought.
Phone light at 10 pm: woah thats a little bright
3am: HOLY SHIT!! MUTHAFUCKIN FLASH BANG
I get so excited when someone brings out the cake at a birthday party because that means I can leave soon.