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John, the Martian.
446 followers
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To everyone who didn't snapchat me back last night: I hate you.
Retweeted by John, the Martian.
Only a coward would bring a gun to a knife fight. But really, only an idiot would bring a knife to a gun fight.
@NWHanover: @itsthatjohnguy I enjoy your company” and I thoroughly enjoy your face 😉
Man, I'd've been fine all along if I spent my time with people who actually enjoy my company instead of holding on to toxic relationships.
S/o to the nice girl that made me oatmeal this morning. You da 💣
What if.... dying of old age is just a deficiency of some trace mineral in our bodies we don't even know about yet?
If I had a dollar for every time a BabyBoomer complained about my generation, I'd have enough money to buy a house in the market they ruined
I pieced everything together, and I see the whole picture. And now, I can finally be at peace and be happy and let go.
I recently talked to a guy I used to abhor. Not only did he explain his situation, he inadvertently gave explanations to recent issues.
Do you want to be happy? Forgive your enemies.
Daily reminder, Things that are a problem: racists, sexists, homophobes Things that are not a problem: caucasians, men, straight people
Barber: whatchu want fam? Me: idk, something normal I guess Barber: about damn time fam. pic.twitter.com/AElN78ZPqN
I saw my first aardvark a couple of days ago fyi pic.twitter.com/qqUxSwYZHz
iF SOMEONE DOESNT UNDERSTAND YOU iTS BETTER TO KEEP THEM AWAY FROM YOU RATHER THAN WASTE YOUR TiME BY EXPLAiNiNG YOURSELF TO A RANDOM HUMAN
Retweeted by John, the Martian.
50 cent got shot 9 times and made a platinum album about it so theres no reason you cant turn your bad day around
Retweeted by John, the Martian.
@AyoitsRach: @itsthatjohnguy wow are you signed yet” I can't tell if you're being sarcastic, I know I'm not very good at it 😔
The Internet is chock full of interesting facts. vine.co/v/O9zTZPjnT1J
People acting way too comfortable with me. vine.co/v/O0llgrJPzea
I took a whack at that free-verse rapping thing that's so popular on Twitter right now. #WhitePeopleRuinEverything pic.twitter.com/uThTZQgsMQ
It sucks going from meaning literally everything to someone, to nothing.
Me: No don't do it “@sarahlancasta: Friends has got to be the most overrated show on the planet” Me: Oh my god
"I invited Mike to the party" The cool Mike, or the Mike that doesn't understand trees? [From outside] "They're just fucking land coral!"
Have a gluten allergy? Talk to your doctor and see if shutting the fuck up about it is right for you.
Retweeted by John, the Martian.
Record numbers of Americans living abroad are now renouncing their citizenship econ.st/1D7Aaur pic.twitter.com/feajSuhNSA
Retweeted by John, the Martian.
793 people go deaf from country music each day
Retweeted by John, the Martian.
Dear African Americans: I found the 'chill' you've been looking for all year. pic.twitter.com/Mzaq3UjwBw
Hey .@MercerYou your revenue generating parking ticket writers are parked illegally. Are they gonna get ticketed? pic.twitter.com/kLgSdKy13X
Retweeted by John, the Martian.
What if you loved someone very much and then you found out they were an lol'er instead of a haha'er...?
I don't understand how 'thot' 'bae' & 'turnt' are well understood by you guys, yet you don't know what's up with 'their' 'there' & 'they're'
When the church asked Michelangelo to paint for them. vine.co/v/Ox52wp1LL1m
@Funny_Truth: These perfectly fluffy pancakes pic.twitter.com/xFtWP9grTC” These pancakes are more attractive than me...
I'm breathing like I'm morbidly obese but all I'm doing is walking up the stairs eating Wheat Thins.
no I said I'd love you *faux ever
I have a paper due tomorrow and I'm just like: pic.twitter.com/WIIirZW8V3
@FemalePains: never underestimate a woman pic.twitter.com/cfuryO1v9o” These are all movie characters. Movie. Characters.
I'm not a half ass type, you either have all of me, or none of me. it's that simple, I don't play games.
Retweeted by John, the Martian.