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Shut up, John.
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**looks at interviewer squint at my résumé** They're 5's, the S key on my computer is broken.
Babies are like tattoos. They're cool & yours forever & stuff... But why not wait a few days to post pictures so they don't look so gross.
**pretends to yawn** **raises arms** **puts arm around guy at the next urinal**
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. You also nearly miss 100% of the shots you do take. You're terrible at basketball.
*wakes up drenched in sweat* WAS BINGO THE DOG OR THE FARMER???
When it's dark, look for stars. When it rains look for rainbows.
first date idea: 1. romantic walk 2. romantic applebees dinner 3. romantic walk home 4. romantic "sorry i left u at applebees :(" text
Screw Alex from target.... You guys are sleeping on Jake from state farm.
Barnes: Let’s do drugs and kiss. Noble: Dude, what..? No, let’s sell books. Barnes: Yeah okay. That’s a better idea.
Can't stop thinking about quesadillas....
My name is John and I like to rap I'm still a beginner but I do like to rap
I wonder how many times someone has tweeted about something I've done in public.
@TrevorACarr: @itsthatjohnguy There's a good possibility I might be in Macon sometime this month” sick dude, is lambda chi doing a thing?
Yamaha is an insane company like you can walk into one of their stores and leave on a jet ski playing a keyboard.
Hunger kills millions more people than Ebola but you never hear anything about it because rich people can't die from it.
Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?
A game show where you get $1000 for every pornstar you correctly name, but you have to do it sitting between your grandma and girlfriend.
All I have to say is I was a very different person a year ago. I can't wait to see who I am next year.
If there's anything I've learned from playing video games, it's that when you meet enemies, you're headed in the right direction.
When bald people wash their face, how far up do they go?
[me eagerly watching food critic taste my spaghetti sauce] "What, too many raisins?"
The person that named the eggplant probably isn't allowed to name things anymore
Stats prof: select normalcdf and use the left bound as a parameter. Me: *out loud* to the left, to the left Me: Huh? The door? Ok Sure...
I'm sorry you need a Facebook quiz to find out what kind of person you are
[me on first date] "Now I don't usually do this, but..." **morphs into a pelican**
There's this cute thing that some of my followers do where they text me "OMG I LOVED TOUR LAST TWEET" instead of just RT it.
There's a huge difference between "I play the guitar" & "I play the douche-guitar and wear snapbacks to the gym"
@AyoitsRach: I think @itsthatjohnguy 's tweets are the funniest tbh 😂” *takes bow* *spin move, & grabs crotch*
Females must be so athletic, like how are they able to jump to conclusions so well?
"You should be more open minded" = "you should believe what I believe"
[Me vs. chilis waiter] me: I'll take the 12 oz. ribeye. Waiter: what are you talking about? **actually was in a Home Depot**
[Me vs. Starbucks barista] Barista: Sir we can see you. Stop throwing the creamer packets. Me: Make me! **throws another**
[Me vs. Cracker Barrel waitress] Me: Razzeberry is just raspberry and blueberry jam mixed **leans closer** you either have it or you don't.
*publisher, standing with 9yo daughter, looking out on 100,000 books ready to ship* Daughter: shouldn't it be Marly and I? *eyes get wide*
**hosts tv show where I talk about every bad encounter I've had whilst ordering food**
I always have like thirty of these on my camera roll at any given time. Wut r they?
[Dinner/w future fiancées parents] "Watch this" *pretends to play plate like tambourine* *her dad gives her a secret thumbs up but I see it*
*turns round in a supermarket when I hear a kid shout 'mom!' even though I don't have kids and I'm not female*
"Do you have any idea what time it is?" uh, 2pm? "That's right, naptime. Easy with the power tools pal" This is a rake "Just turn it down"
Cop: we have you surrounded. Come out with your hands- *11 y/o grabs microphone because it's bring-your-child-to-work day* -On your butt
If knowledge is about finding solutions to the world's problems, then maybe creativity is accepting them.
Ghost: OooOo I have unfinished business Ooooo Me: oh wow what? Ghost: OoooOOoo I haven't seen the last season of breaking bad on Netflix Ooo
Pulling PET-22b from an E.coli retrovirus is like stealing candy from a baby.
"Hey John can I see your phone?" Uhhh yeah give me a sec
It's better to die on your feet than live forever laying down
Today seriously couldn't have gone any better!! Thanks to everyone who has and will continue to support me :) T.A.G. Is on its way to the 👆