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Shut up, John.
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My parents didn't buy me everything I wanted growing up, they took me places; I experienced the world. That has been all the difference.
If I die before I wake I pray my family name be great That I know no foes, and my friends will cry Not over my body, but how I lived my life
What if you loved someone and then you found out they pronounced it "eckspecially"
Retweeted by Shut up, John.
How hard you rap along to @BigSean song "IDFWU" is directly proportional to the level of hurt you experienced in your last relationship.
I could tell you guys a crazy story about this morning rn but literally nobody would believe it anyways 👲
His palms are sweaty, knees weak; arms are heavy, there's vomit on his sweater already WebMD: Ebola
I just watched the interview. I now know why the rest of the world absolutely hates us.
Well, just spent over two hours in Applebee's waiting on various foods like it doesn't take 45 seconds to heat up potatoes in a microwave.
i don't wish you the best because i'm the best, but i wish you well. *kanyeshrug*
@Chickensalad222: My only New Years resolution is to not get uglier.” Me 2
Ohio State is the "I am an average looking human being" capital of college.
Devin Smith looks like Colin Kaepernick with a great nose and a terrible hairline.
Mother unit just sent me this tomfoolery.... pic.twitter.com/IqMdzDTkoa
Me: I love Mathew McConahay Dad: I hate him. He's an ass. Me: His voice is like a gentle waterfall. Dad: A waterfall on your head. Of urine.
Well. If the first thirty-five minutes are any indication of how 2015 will be, it's going to be a good ass year 😂🔥
Maybe Ol' Miss should just leave now...
New Years resolutions: -Friends -tire iron -more jazz dancing -sleep -actual Guy Fieri -learn 2 play oboe -3 to 5 applesauce per day -♋️
I know it's been like 4 years but the first season of AHS still kinda like has my soul.
Putting too much hype into New Years Eve parties
Retweeted by Shut up, John.
My grandpa is in the kitchen doing his afternoonly "these kids are filthy animals" grumble.
A sitcom where the laugh track from the studio audience is literally just one person.
It's so weird thinking about whom I started this year with, and with whom I'm ending it...
Is it "right in the nick of time"? Or "right in the neck of time"?
Yo 'beseech' is a bangin word
no I said I'd love you faux ever
S/O to @liketheHOLLAday for safely arriving in Chicago, and for technically traveling an hour into the past. pic.twitter.com/wIyY5q13gN
Mac n Cheese? more like Crack and Cheese? Am I right guys? Like crack cocaine? God I'm so funny.
Awe man :( I'm still proud of us, because we're great #WeAreMU
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Retweeted by Shut up, John.
Two roads diverged in a wood And I took the one less traveled And then wrote this sick ass poem about it Pretty bitchin poem imho R Fro out
Retweeted by Shut up, John.
My dad eats cheese and caviar for breakfast...
*opens up every Christmas present slowly and deliberately as if they all have a deep intrinsic value to me*
Santa has arrived! Just heard him fall down the stairs, Drop boxes, yell the F word, and scream at mom 4 leaving her purse on the stairs
Currently masticating really hard
I was telling a joke at dinner and my 96 year old grandfather handed me this and said "here put this on your lips" 😂pic.twitter.com/06uPvLP0OVV
Just like that, the Lenihan Factor takes over as the most viewed Hudl highlight of all time. bit.ly/1swM56b pic.twitter.com/zCMCpk503C
Retweeted by Shut up, John.
Do I buy tickets or are they just going to break into my living room? pic.twitter.com/MneuyqTABQ
If your idea of the perfect relationship is someone over 6ft that buys you stuff/ is basically your slave: Good luck; that's all I'll say ☕️
You know you travel too much when your devices automatically sync to a bunch of different airport wifis.
Retweeted by Shut up, John.
"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are" Ok. btw what's my last name? "Scissorhands"
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN...
Retweeted by Shut up, John.