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funnytweets 40 followers

if my daughter ever become obsessed with horses im going to send her to ethiopia until she behaves
the sensual touch of the person putting your thumb down in seven up
LESS THAN 3 HOURS OF SLEEP I FEEL GREAT LETS GO DO SOMETHING LETS GO KILL A DUDE
spoiler alert: no one likes you
can you just like not
keep your friends close, but the people who have a chance at becoming famous closer
chicken nuggets are like my family
whenever i paint my fingernails the polish lasts for 4 days but when i paint my toenails it lasts for like 6 years i don't understand
me: *dies* mom: no get up you've still got to go to school
i may look like im listening to music but really i have my volume on 0 and im listening to everyones conversations because im a true spy kid
i want to go on a shopping trip where i am the only one in the shopping mall and everything i want is free
i wish twitter was like survivor and we could vote people off the island
"So what have you done this summer?" pic.twitter.com/uLpDJHSTrk
me on twitter: idc wtf i'll favorite that cuz ur hot idc i'll favorite that cuz i hate u subtweet that was kinda funny shut up idc
physics teacher: you can’t be attracted to something without it being attracted back to you me: are you sure about that
if you lead me on i will lead you into a burning building
i may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented i forgot where i was going with this
me: *walks into school* person: *looks at me* me: they probably think im ugly me: and fat me: and hate me me: everyone probably does
Pretty Little Liars 😍#PLLL
#Glee star Cory Monteith has been found dead in his Vancouver hotel room. eonli.ne/15c8TYp #RIPCoryMonteith
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is it acceptable to lay on my floor until i feel better about myself
cashier: ok that will be $237.53 me: do u accept tears
If you have a trampoline at your house there’s a 100% chance that when im over all i am thinking about is when can we go on the trampoline
i may be ugly and annoying but at least i don’t have a selfie of me as my phones background
how do people do backflips and shit like i can’t even flip my grilled cheese without fucking up
after finishing a series on netflix i begin to question everything my life my existence my purpose everything
*eats whole fridge* *eats whole family* *eats whole planet population* why am i gaining weight wtf
the people who like say ‘1 second has passed’ when ur like ‘just gimme a sec’ are the people u need to avoid and sacrifice to the aztec gods
still not sure what exactly math is
"how many white girls are gonna post instagrams of fireworks tonight?" the limit does not exist
my mom said dinner was ready and i went downstairs and it wasn't even ready im sick of all the lies
if u say "merica" or "murica" pls feel free to stop at any time like now for instance
showing cleavage doesn't fix your face
mini m&ms taste better than normal m&ms .... don’t even try to argue with me on this one
steps to taking a good selfie: 1) you can't 2) you won't 3) bye
no guy ever: damn look at that thigh gap
I was born fabulous. You were born an asshole. She was born a slut. He was born a turtle. It's okay to be different.
I don’t know how all these teenagers sneak out at night I’m too lazy to even get out of bed
me: i want to lose weight me: i want skinny legs me: i want a flat stomach me: i want to be thin me: *sees mcdonalds* me: yolo
if a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all theyd have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit im gonna see why it aint working
reasons to date me: 1: 2: 3: please lol
no matter how many gross facts you tell me about mcdonald’s i’m still gonna eat it
why weigh yourself when you could just set yourself on fire then roll in broken glass and feel the same way
im suing my parents for making my face look like this
bras are so expensive like i didn’t choose the boob life the boob life chose me