Dear Google, Could you sit next to me during an exam? Sincerely, Every Student.
In Math, I use "Guess and Hope" method.
I'm shy at first but.. I do the stupidest random shit when I get comfortable with someone.
I do something awesome, no one sees it. I do something embarrassing, everyone sees it.
me: better check my phone for texts from friends
me: *checks phone*
me: better get some friends
Boy: Hey, can you hold this while I go for a walk? *gives girl his hand*
Sitting at home: Oh. It's raining. Cool. Sitting at school: HOLY CRAP IT'S RAINING!! LOOK!
Me being rude: Shut the fuck up. Me being polite: Please shut the fuck up.
I would absolutely punch a younger version of myself in the face.
Me: wow i like this album
Me: I think i'll listen to it until i don't
sometimes I get frustrated because you can’t put numbers in caps
am I screaming?
you’ll never know
i try not to sound like an asshole but it’s really hard because i am an asshole
My hobbies include laying in bed in my underwear while I listen to music and hate myself
if any website should have a post limit it should be facebook.
Don't drink and (D)r(I)v(E)
I think I missed out on the “neat and cute handwriting” gene that every girl seems to have and this is unfair.
Homework: "Do me, do me." Internet: "Don’t listen to that slut."
You hate me?
Well okay, grab a chair and wait for me to care.
if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.
Dear mom and dad, when I lie to you, it's for your own good.
I'm never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
*works for 2 minutes*
*takes 3 hour break*
I mean hang
no I don’t
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
How do melons get married?
I don’t know, but they cantaloupe
Trying to act natural around cops, even though you did nothing wrong.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never criticize your wife's faults. It might have been those faults that kept her from getting a better husband.
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired or when she's rested.
Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
National Schizophrenic's Convention: Anybody who's everybody will be there!
National Atheist's Day April 1st.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
You can think your funnier than me, because its okay to lie to yourself once in awhile.
Some people get lost in thought because its such unfamiliar territory.
Dear boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I'd take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, Girlfriend.
WHAT HAPPENS IN AN EXAM: Tik tock, mind block, pen stop, eye pop, full shock, jaw drop, time up, no luck.
Harry Potter fan: I wanna go to Hogwarts! Percy
Jackson Fan: I've always wanted to go to Camp
Half Blood. Hunger Games fan: I'm fine...
Once I put on my headphones, my life becomes a music video.
I'm naturally a fast texter so if it takes me more
than 15 minutes to text you back, 95% of the
time it's intentional
Me: I can't go to school tomorrow Mom: Why?
Me: because I'm ugly
isnt it odd how people kill flys just because they’re annoying if people killed people for being annoying i would’ve died like 15 years.
roses are red
violets are blue
sunflowers are yellow
i bet you were expecting something romantic but no this is just gardening fact
Relationships are a lot like Algebra? Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Why do people still smell bad in high school I learned to shower everyday when I was like 6 get your shit together people.