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Hourly Humor

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We're all about to give our dads some neat shirts for having sex with our moms. That seems wrong. -@dangerclauson
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"I didn't get your text." = Biggest lie ever told. -@MensHumor
The real question is should we trust people who don’t like cheese? -@JimGaffigan
An ice cream store called Game of Cones. -@SpencerAlthouse
Deep fried cheese curds are like if French Fries and heaven had a baby. -@JimGaffigan
Congratulations to Kim Kardashian on the birth of her 8lb 4oz little publicity stunt. I mean baby. -@aguywithnolife
All I remember about my college graduation is sitting behind someone with a gross neck. -@juliussharpe
I've never seen anyone drinking a Big Gulp who looked like they had a good credit score. -@DamienFahey
Congrats to Kim Kardashian's daughter for being alive for mere hours and already having more Twitter followers than me. -@SpencerAlthouse
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I wish life was more like cartoons. I'm too lazy to change my outfit every day. -@SpencerAlthouse
Millions of Americans suffer from Beer Goggle Syndrome every weekend. -@MensHumor
The Westboro Baptist Church just told me to burn in hell so apparently I'm doing something right with my life. -@aguywithnolife
The first thing I do when I get a new job is spend an hour figuring out where I can fart. -@juliussharpe
Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night! -@MensHumor
“How do we distract our fan base that we stupidly let Wes Welker go? Oh God…Hey, I’ve got a crazy idea.” – Bill Belichick -@JimGaffigan
I hope Grown Ups 2 answers all of the unanswered questions from Grown Ups. Like, why? -@DamienFahey
"This is my favorite part" - Me every 8 seconds when watching a movie. -@faizzz_all
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Finally a Superman movie. -@JimGaffigan
.@LAPD Do I qualify for conjugal visits if my marriage feels like a prison? -@robdelaney
My night: Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, repeat.
Still waiting for MTV to make a show where all the girls from 16 and Pregnant get abortions called MTV Womb Raiders. -@MensHumor
Old Asian people seem to really enjoy a somber round of golf. -@juliussharpe
The person who creates Taco Bell's menu must be the biggest pothead of all time. -@JennyJohnsonHi5
Taking a picture of your meal before you eat is the new "saying grace." -@JennyJohnsonHi5
You did yoga. You didn't negotiate a peace treaty. Stop walking around like that. -@DamienFahey
The human body is 70% water and 30% land -@brendohare
Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. Everyone belongs in the kitchen. Kitchen has the food, guys -@SamanthaaaReece
I haven't got the nut ratios just right yet, so it's more of a trial mix. -@bizmichael
UGH now I just painted an amazing picture but accidentally painted a thumb in the corner -@meganamram
"Stop calling me your roommate. I'm your husband and the father of your children." -My Roommate -@shariv67
"At some point" is my favorite time to meet up with people. -@JessCallMeJaydi
“Hey, my eyes are up here! LOL, just kidding, they’re everywhere.” - the government -@TheNardvark
Admit it you're bored right now. Go download the Homework Can Wait app and entertain yourself! #humor #funny #app #ios #iphone #homeworkcanwaitapp #appstore #free
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed. -@MensHumor
How can I get paid to say I like the new MySpace? -@PaulyPeligroso
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The only reason I exercise is so my enemies on Facebook don't get the satisfaction of seeing me fat. -@DamienFahey
It sucks how if you say hi to someone once, you're now committed to saying hi to them the rest of your entire life. -@juliussharpe
We all have that one drawer in our house. That full-of-random shit drawer. -@MensHumor
I don't always play a game in hard mode, but when I do, I SCREAM. -@faizzz_all
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