So now I'm supposed to grow a mustache for "Mo-Vember"?! Isn't my manly muzzle fuzz enough for you people?!
I'm in that golden time when I can eat Halloween candy from the sack and pre-eat Thanksgiving stuffing from the can.
RT if you agree that today we should honor our brave veterans. Also RT if you're too lazy to write that yourself.
From a friend: "I'm shocked! Shocked at the behavior of my cousin, Richie Incognito." Signed: Guy Incognito. pic.twitter.com/wV7ZtpCjzs
If a Jack O Lantern still has a recognizable face among all the mold, it's too early to carry it to the trash, right? Tell Marge!
I picked out a really scary movie for tonight: "Monster In-Law"
Augh, it's horrifying! Jennifer Lopez's career is a corpse!
SPRINGFIELD KIDS: Ned Flanders is giving out big candy bars. Go to his house, not the one next door with eating noises coming out of it.
I swear, if I see one more "Breaking Bad" costume, I'm going to have to start watching that show. It's on Disney, right? #halloween
If anyone asks, I'm going as "Drunk Dad" tonight. #halloween
I made a #WorldSeries
bet with the Mayors of both Boston AND St. Louis. I'm gonna win and/or lose beer and/or beans!
I don't know why they call it the "World" Series when there aren't any players from the United States. #WorldSeries
! I don't care who wins, but I'm all for any team that lets me binge on beer AND candy tomorrow night.
, thanks for the $5 flight to Octoberfest! Now can you call Marge and ask her to bail me out of the Munich jail?
We're carving Jack O Lanterns as a family this weekend. Halloween fun for the kids, more places to hide booze for me.
I'm trying to hang a zombie up on my front door, but my stupid father keeps ripping through the duct tape
I'm doing something really scary this weekend. I'm buying a new bathroom scale with big easy-to-read numbers.
This so-called Halloween "super store" stinks! I can't find a man's size 4X sexy nurse costume anywhere!
The supermarket only had 20 bags of candy corn left. THIS GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN MUST END NOW
I tried to sit through a news report about #Obamacare
, but I suffer from a pre-existing condition: Restless Remote-Thumb Syndrome.
Moe invented a great new drinking game. We all drink whenever Moe cocks his shotgun and then nobody loses!
Bart stole my car keys, and to torment me he put them impossibly out of my reach: on the floor just in front of my feet.
Marge and I are off to "Back To School Night" -- to be followed by "Back To Strangling Bart Night."
I've really been enjoying #sleepyhollow
. That's what I call the me-sized trench on my side of the bed.
After 4 months away, on Sunday night I'm coming back! That's when my ban from the chocolate fountain at the buffet place expires.
I'm off to @Comic_Con
as soon as I get dressed. Must... cram... ass... into... size 42... Jaeger Pants! #SDCC #comiccon #FOXSDCC
Tonight I took the kids to the Drive In Theater. Then when the movie started I abandoned the car and walked to Moe's. #GoodTimes
I got so sunburned today that you could fry an egg on my head and when you did and your name was Bart I strangled you.
DO NOT hook up a Slip 'N Slide to a keg. Beer isn't "slidey" enough and if your dog drinks it he'll become a mean drunk. #TheMoreYouKnow
I could win the big Hot Dog Eating Contest if I wanted, but I refuse to let TV money sully the beautiful art of cramming food in my hole.
While we're all having fun today, don't forget the brave souls who fought off the great alien invasion of 1996. Keep the "I" in ID4!
I'm okay with losing a finger while playing with fireworks this weekend as long as it's not my "beer can tab top opening" one.
I gave my Dad a great Father's Day gift -- pretending to listen to his nonsense. #LivingYears
Ah, Father's Day -- when my kids are forced to be nice to me. I know I made them for a reason.
I like to dunk my donuts... in a mug of juice made from other donuts. #NationalDoughnutDay
In honor of National Doughnut Day, I'm going to let someone else suck up the sprinkles in the bottom of the break room box. #Hero
Fox Sunday Night Season Finales! Finally, a reason to watch Fox other than being in prison with a broken channel changer.
To the haters that said I couldn't cook hot dogs in my radiator while driving, I got 2 franks and a horrible stomach ache to prove you wrong
Can't wait for summer and the real fun - speeding through school zones!
Choking Bart today, I noticed he got taller. Life. One minute you're choking a boy, and in a blink, you're choking a man
Marge wanted to see Gatsby and I wanted to see Ironman. Compromise: we saw Gatsby but I made explosion noises every 3 minutes.
Mother’s Day is the Christmas of fake Valentine's Days.
This morning I made a certain special someone breakfast in bed. And then I remembered it's Mother's Day! Running out for bagels.
May The Eleventh Be With You! #BartToldMeThisWasAThing
April comes in like a lamb & goes out like a lion. Same thing cats can do when Prof. Frink gets his animal changing machine working.
I celebrate Earth Day every day. It's easy when a judge sentences you to a million hours of roadside trash pick up.
I'm writing this from work. At least when I should be at work and on a computer I took from work. So pretty much the same thing.
I was rejected for lap band surgery. Apparently they don't come in my size yet.
If Mr. Burns didn't want me to make s'mores at work, he shouldn't have let me bring in marshmallows and a hibachi.
I'm starting to think some of these college basketball players are more about basketball than college. Sorry if that offends anyone.
I like March Madness. It offers a nice change from Grampa's rest-of-the-year-dementia.