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Homer J. Simpson
Kiss me, I'm Irish! But do it fast cuz I'm gonna throw up any second now.
I created a March Madness tournament bracket of types of donuts and, once again, "way too many" was the winner.
March comes in like a lion and goes out like a tasty tasty lamb smothered in jelly.
Reminder: today is March 15. You only have one more month to put off doing your taxes.
Mmm... 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307 Lisa told me you nerds would get this.
#TrueDetective fans: I AM THE YELLOW KING! But watch Fox first.
The ugly true story of that Oscar® selfie can finally be told! Let's break Twitter again. Look for Bart.
I just wasted two hours watching the Bob Sled competition. This mysterious "Bob" never showed up! #Olympics2014
Today I won Gold in my own personal Winter Olympics event -- faking a heart attack to get out of shoveling the snow. #Olympics2014
Bart just told me that Bob Costas reference was "already super old". Well, "Excuuuuuuse meeeeeee!" #Olympics2014
Poor Bob Costas -- he never should have stopped in and used Moe's bathroom before flying to Russia. #Olympics2014
Since Valentine's Day & Presidents Day are the same weekend, it makes me spending a dollar and a penny on flowers romantic AND patriotic!
Happy Valentine's Day to the love of my life: Marge. Shame on you if you thought I was going to say "Beer"! Beer is just my BFF.
My Facebook Movie is all pictures of beer bottles and chicken wings. #PreciousMemories #TheYearsGoBySoFast
What a great day this has been! Now when my kids ask me “Who’s Bob Dylan?” I can tell them he's the guy from that car ad. #SB48
EMTs are working on my foot, trying to shock it back awake. They've been at it for a while. #SB48
.@SuperBowl over! Now comes the real two-minute drill -- my peeing after holding it in the whole game. #SB48
I nodded off for an hour -- thank God I only missed five minutes of game play. #SB48
That amazing commercial with Morpheus was so memorable! They sure got their money’s worth! What was it advertising, though?
And the first half ends! Time for the traditional and ceremonial "Changing Of Which Butt Cheek I'm Sitting On." #SB48
I hear Jimmy Hoffa is buried under the 50 yard line. He must've known somebody pretty important to get that great view. #SB48
I wish Peyton Manning would stop yelling out "Omaha!" It's making me hungry for steaks and the films of Alexander Payne. #SB48
And it's kickoff! Time to take a little nap. #SB48
Look at those idiots freezing their butts off at #SB48! I'm freezing my butt off in the comfort of my "didn't pay the gas bill" home.
To answer all your questions -- Yes, I did used to own the @Broncos. I sold them after they stupidly got rid of @TimTebow. #SB48