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Homer J. Simpson
I can't believe it's the middle of July already. I'm still writing March on my past due car payment checks.
Little known fact: it was Carl who suggested adding the apostrophe to "D'oh!" I wanted it to be a % sign.
Build a better corndog where the stick is another corndog and the world will beat a path to your door.
No, I’m not refereeing Germany v Brazil today. They said they wanted someone who “knew the rules of Football”. #Elitist
I’m with Lenny in the hospital. He can barely talk but he did request that you don’t send flowers. Baskets of assorted meats are good.
I hated that the holiday is over, so I put a big bottle rocket in Lenny's work locker! He's in guarded condition, upgraded from grave.
If a burger falls thru the BBQ slats, do NOT try to retrieve it with your fingers. Your tongue is thinner & will get the job done nicely.
The jerk who wrote "Summertime and the livin' is easy" never had to pull a t-shirt off his gut after getting out of the pool!
Car broke down on the way to the beach. Why can't I have just ONE Transformer? It doesn’t have to be Bumblebee, I’d be cool with Mudflap!
July the Fifth be with you!
Once again, the Hot Dog Eating Contest trophy goes to the guy who can eat the most hot dogs WITHOUT puking on the Judges. #Rigged
Today I declare my independence from keeping the bottom of my belly tucked inside my shorts. All hail my Victory Flap!
Happy 238th Birthday, Fireworks!
Time to take the flag that I’ve been flying since Memorial Day down so I can put it back up tomorrow.
Decided to be smart and beat the “get-out-of-town-for-the-Holiday” traffic, so I left work a week ago Wednesday.
Kiss me, I'm Irish! But do it fast cuz I'm gonna throw up any second now.
I created a March Madness tournament bracket of types of donuts and, once again, "way too many" was the winner.
March comes in like a lion and goes out like a tasty tasty lamb smothered in jelly.
Reminder: today is March 15. You only have one more month to put off doing your taxes.
Mmm... 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307 Lisa told me you nerds would get this.
#TrueDetective fans: I AM THE YELLOW KING! But watch Fox first.
The ugly true story of that Oscar® selfie can finally be told! Let's break Twitter again. Look for Bart.
I just wasted two hours watching the Bob Sled competition. This mysterious "Bob" never showed up! #Olympics2014
Today I won Gold in my own personal Winter Olympics event -- faking a heart attack to get out of shoveling the snow. #Olympics2014
Bart just told me that Bob Costas reference was "already super old". Well, "Excuuuuuuse meeeeeee!" #Olympics2014