Halloween tip: trick or treat a day early. Ppl are caught off guard & give better treats like iPods & lawnmowers. Also carry a gun.
"It's OK not to care about rape victims" and 9 other appalling things the right said this week slnm.us/YKqCCzd
Went to buy a new car but dealership didnt have an inflatable giant gorilla in front so I said fuck off and left.
Adam McKay Wants to Release an Alternate Cut of 'Anchorman 2' With All New Jokes: splitsider.com/2013/10/adam-m… #Anchorman2 #comedy
I'm writing my first novel about a 19th century Russian dancer who gets consumption but its all in emoticons. It's called ☺🌟👍👍🐼
There used to be a lot more nuns around, right?
If they had drive thru hand jobs I'd say how awful & its end of civilization then 1 day later roll up to a window "how's this work?"
New trailer for #Anchorman2
...Spoiler alert: I look ruggedly handsome yet approachable. youtu.be/6VdGI5-z_hg
Was surprised in the 60 Mins CBS interview how many times Dick Cheney used the word "yummy." At least 80 times.
Fox News contributor finds she can save money on her insurance through OCare exchanges. How long till she's fired? foxnews.com/opinion/2013/1…
Study Confirms: Nearly Half a Million Iraqis Died After U.S. Invasion trib.al/HqKcMCB
Check out @midnight
on Comedy Central tonight with Chris Hardwick, produced by Funny or Die!
Global Warming is a Greater Threat than Al Qaeda sanders.senate.gov/newsroom/recen… #ClimateChange
Looks like the US is going to pay its debt and gov't will reopen. Does this mean I can't water my lawn naked anymore?
I just watched a four hour DVD of every Super Bowl coin toss. Want to trade?
Just finished a six hour highlight dvd of NFL extra point kicks. Who wants in? Only 99.99.
If I say "last Star Wars" and u say "Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It's a prequel!" I'm going to hit u with a fish tank.
JP Morgan fine: $13 Billion. Cost of providing tuition-free public college: $12.4 Billion. The only Q is what to do with the $600M left over
Just turned on Face the Nation, and Bob Schieffer was in his pajamas yelling at a cat. He looked up at me, startled.
Woke up last night in a panic worrying Exxon is paying too much taxes then remembered they pay zero. Whew!
Obamacare just cut Oregon’s uninsured rate by 10 percent wapo.st/H3XUu1
FACT: The Repub shutdown cost taxpayers 24 billion. Pass it on! thinkprogress.org/economy/2013/1…
Not to brag but I'm sitting court side right now. And because of something called "the 5th" I don't have to testify!
: shouldn't you be editing a movie bro?” I'm editing and tweeting at same time. I'm a double threat.
Thanks god shutdown's over and we can go back to doing what America does: not giving a fuck & obsessing over phones. #shutdown
"I think that @GOP
forgot what they were even shutting the government down for." -@NancyPelosi
residents: Be sure to vote for @CoryBooker
in the #NJSen
special election TODAY! corybooker.com/vote #Booker4Senate
House will vote on Senate resolution. 3 bill wasted & credit rating threatened for nothing. Thanks Republicans! #GOPshutdown
If you "sigh relief" at a deal that necessitates this nonsense again in January, I hope rats eat your entrails in front of your kids.
I Dare Republicans to Bitch About the Deficit After Wasting $300 Million a Day for 16 Days. Laugh in Their Faces. #GOPshutdown #p2 #tcot
"And now it goes to House Republicans for approval" is same as saying "the shit truck is about to hit a brick wall of craziness"
Drunk Florida Man Tries to Erect Burning Cross "Halloween Decoration" on Lawn, Accidentally Sets Himself on Fire | wokv.com/news/news/nati…
GOP Rep. Pete King: "This party is going nuts."
Original Tea Party: Patriots dressed as Indians, threw tea into ocean.Tea Party 2013: idiots dressed as patriots, throw US in trash.
Fitch Ratings has placed the US on “Rating Watch Negative” thkpr.gs/1gHhgCn
If You Live in New Jersey, Be Sure to Vote for @CoryBooker
for US Senate Tomorrow (Wednesday Oct. 16). #NJsen #UniteBlue #p2
No tool is more American than the leafblower, a loud piece of shit that spreads trash everywhere.
Ill give Repubs some credit, it's REALLY not about the polls for them. Also not about economy, science or America. #GOPshutdown
: Not from there, but I'm literally thinking of calling and just reciting that exact message.” Do it!
The Tea Party is made up of all the same people who lunge at control panels and go "what does this button do??"
Hey 8th district of Ohio. You elected Boehner. Time to call his office. Suggested message "nut up & think of America over ur career"
Having spent two hours talking to House Republicans, my expert investment advice is: Short everything
This Video Needs to Get Out EVERYWHERE -> bit.ly/1gAv69A
Proof The GOP Rigged the Rules & Planned the Shutdown #GOPshutdown #p2
A woman is like a fine wine: my mom's an alcoholic
Yikes, study says global warming so bad planet unrecognizable in 2047! On the upside no more winter Olympics
I bet the men's and women's rooms at RNC headquarters are marked Us and Them.
I find it incredible that every Republican voted against a motion to even let the Senate consider legislation to prevent a default.
You just know John Boehner makes horrible sounds when he sleeps.
Concept for a restaurant: The 12 yr Old- powdered ice tea, Oreos, hunks of cheese and Stouffer's French bread pizza. Pay in change.