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Adam McKay
comedyinternet 232,204 followers
The U2 album just called my right wing aunt and asked her to come stay with us for a month.
"Hey! It's the old gang! Slappy! Bushwick! Gina! It's me, Jojo! I'm back!" **Everyone in DMV stares silently**
Question for any scientists: Is there a chance that U2 album becomes sentient and starts WW3?
2000 years old green serpentine stone mask found at the base of Pyramid of the Sun, Teotihuacán, Mexico. pic.twitter.com/oVIdGhHgMU
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Sometimes I worry that pizza isn't a real sport
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Baby, I'm gonna rock your world. I'm going to get you wrongly convicted of murder.
"Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
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So shocking McDonald's sales are dropping. The old "treat employees like crap & serve awful food" formula is usually a winner.
Just playing devil's advocate for a second: please worship the devil.
When coming out of any coma, try keeping your eyes shut for another day or two to see what everyone's saying about you.
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Today's all in one headline: Ukrainian Knocked Unconscious on Video by Isis in Record Heat Wave!
Be the change you want in the world. I'm going to hand out cheese steaks at the DMV and stop wearing underwear.
Rock, paper, scissors... The movie. "Son, there is no way to defeat the rock giants. Just keep delivering your useless papers."
English to American translations: -Lift=elevator -Orgy mat=family photo album. -God's rocky dick=volcano
"NFL? How may I help u?" "I have a tape of one of ur star players assaulting a woman." "Please hold" *on hold music plays forever*
Dropped Pi in a game of odds & evens & the other guy's hand turned to glass & shattered. The last mozzarella stick is mine!
Obama is the 4th consecutive US president to announce bombing of Iraq
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If Roger Goodell has to resign I wonder if Penn State students protest in support of him?
Hey, Apple, calm the fuck down... it's a wrist watch, not a flying car.
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U.N. scientists see largest CO2 increase in 30 years: ‘We are running out of time’ thkpr.gs/3564900 pic.twitter.com/rbkiIdGb3u
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Picked my fantasy team. My QB is hot Amerasian chick in cut offs, RB is all you can eat toro & WR Dick Cheney going to prison.
Moral of story: most reliable way to win elections is to do what Wall St wants & then get Wall St cash to spend ur opponent into the ground
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If I played in the NFL my number would be 💏 cause then they'd go to tackle me and be like "awww" and I'd score.
Work to change the system from within. Join the KKK & play The Pointer Sisters at cross burnings.
Note to all UK tv stations: do not show Braveheart any time soon.
Is it "right on red" or "gun it in any direction if it the vibe is right on red?"
Burning Man sounds fun with the Coldplay blaring & people on beer, but how about a little law & order? #LeastPopularTweets
Someone just called the Kristen Wiig comedy WELCOME TO ME, "Truman Show meets In Living Color," so dammit now I've gotta see it. #tiff14
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BTW, if WELCOME TO ME comes out this ye, Kristen Wiig is DEFINITELY a Golden Globe contender. It's a comedy, but it deals w/ serious issues.
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*aggressively waves at the ice cream man from the court ordered 75 feet away*
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We were 1 of 22 docs picked from over 500 for #TIFF14. Many thanks to @thompowers for the vote of confidence. ow.ly/B6s83
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"She wants to make a talk show about her life...why is that so crazy?"Kristen Wiig on funny/sad WELCOME TO ME #TIFF14 lat.ms/1qrhOCh
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"Albino Cobra Loose in Suburbs" is not Ron Artest's new name.
What would Jesus do if someone reclined their seat on his knees? Easy. He'd go off.
Cowboys are bringing in Michael Sam for their practice squad. Good on them. After 3 scks and 11 tkls in preseason this guy deserves a shot.
Isn't the phrase "In God we trust" undercut by the fact that its on cash?
Wow: "Only 12 players had at least 2.5 sacks in this NFL preseason. 10 made teams, 1 made practice squad, only 1 was cut: Michael Sam."
Dogs are so stupid. They get excited over the simplest thin-OH SWEET! SOMEONE RETWEETED ME!!!
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Given US has lowest min wage in industrialized world and unions have been smashed, Labor Day is ironic this year right?
Me: You wanna piece of me?! Huh? You want some of this?" Other guy: Actually yes Me: Oh. (runs)
The most terrifying climate change report yet: bit.ly/1tAUFhR
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Tried to pray today and got an Install Adobe Flash Player alert.
"Run away from facts like ur a blond girl with a huge head of hair in a bat cave" Fox mandate to all broadcasters.
We just got a rescue dog. He pulled me out of a burning tank.
This might sound greedy but I just want everyone to give me their things.
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These marks on my face r marks of a life lived, of roads taken- What's that? They're ants? Ah! (Runs away swatting & scratching self)