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Funny Quotes
comedyquotes 483,958 followers
2014 is almost over and… -I lost no weight -Didn't learn anything -Haven't saved any money -Still ugly
Sex jokes are not funny, I mean cum on people.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
“jinkies i lost my glasses!” - velma in every fucking episode of scooby doo like damn bitch get contacts
me + you + chicken nuggets - you = relationship goal
As a college student my favorite words are "free" and "cancelled"
haven't seen one of these in a while
Hey , "Hey" , "How r u" , " Good u" , "Good", "What r u doing", "nothing u" , "nothing", Retweet if you hate these convos.
it costs $0.00 to not be a hoe.
i hate school because it’s that time of the year where you realize you aren’t just ugly, you’re also stupid
A best friend knows you’re sad. A best friend knows you’re mad. A best friend knows you’re crying. A best friend knows you’re lying.
from 😌 to 😔 real quick
I understand. I just don't care.
Do you ever write a really long message and about halfway through you're like "you know what, they don't even care" and delete it
See Your Addiction ? Retweet 🌿Weed 💵Money 🐦Twitter 📱Phones 💻Computers 😎Tattoos 🎶Music 👟Sneakers 🎉Parties 🏀Sports 🍕Food
You know I'm comfortable with u when: I'm weird with u I sing whatever song comes into my mind I say what's on my mind I talk nonsense.
this lipstick would look great on your lips
I hate when i’m trying to blow out birthday candles and little kids try to do it with me excuse u it’s not ur birthday so back the fuck up
me on a bad day: fuck off me on a good day: fuck off
Daughter: Mom, I just got a tattoo. Mom: Where? Show me. Daughter: See this (4th Pic) Mom: OMG! WTF?!
"Can I copy your homework?" "Yeah but I don't know if its right..." "I don't care."
me: why am i so fat me: eats 17 pizzas me: eats 49 tubs of ice cream me: eats entire family me: why
The awkward moment when everyone is talking during the class but the teacher only hears your voice
Stay up late, regret it in the morning, repeat.
College is easy. It's like riding a bike. Except the bike is on fire and you're on fire and everything is on fire and you're in hell.
Can we skip college and go to the part where I become a millionaire
October, November and December are the best months of the year and nobody can argue that. 🎃👻🍂🍗🎁🎅
when your mom comes into your room and you have to pretend that you are studying real quick
true friends don’t judge each other they judge other people together
"k" "ok" and "okay" are three very different things
S.C.H.O.O.L. = Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Life. C.L.A.S.S. = Come Late And Start Sleeping. F.I.N.A.L.S. = Fuck I Never Actually Learned Shit
It's funny how if u get an A on a test, ur grade goes up like 2 percent, but if u get an F on a test, your grade goes down like the Titanic
I carry my phone everywhere I go, just in case nobody texts me
Daughter: Mom, I just got a tattoo. Mom: Where? Show me. Daughter: See this (4th Pic) Mom: OMG! WTF?!
Han Solo season has officially begun
90% of the contacts in my phone are useless
happiness is... not having to set the alarm clock for the next day
You will get fired if you tweet dumb tweets like this!
RT if this has ever saved your phone from falling 😴�