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Funny Quotes
comedy quotes cool 378,660 followers
If you’re tired of seeing the SAME tweets everywhere, I suggest you to go & follow — @EssentialFact — They have tweets you’ll love. ♥
The 3 C's of life: choices, chances and changes. You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change.
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You can gain a lot of information about a man by the way he treats his mother, and by the way he carries himself in her presence.
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You are responsible for your own happiness. If you expect others to make you happy, you will always be disappointed.
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If I swallow magnets, Will I become attractive?
  1h
me: "wow I need to do homework but first:" *eats dinner* *goes on twitter* *checks facebook* *knits a scarf* *does oragimi* me:"oh it's 2am"
  1h
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me: Mother what's important is that we have our health
  1h
How I talk: 25% swearing. 25% sarcasm. 50% combination of both.
  1h
My Mom is: -annoying -dramatic -irritating -beautiful -loving -caring -strong -amazing
  2h
Son: Dad I've got a girlfriend Dad: Really? Show me her pic Son: See this pic-twittrs.in/1j9oSfb
  2h
everyone: are u okay everyone: u look tired everyone: u look upset everyone: u look confused everyone: are u sick me: IT'S MY FACE
  2h
girls who pretend to act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a brick
  2h
That awkward moment: when you look inside your pocket, and it's not full of sunshine.
  2h
I wish I could record my dreams and watch them later.
  2h
Age is just a number. Yeah, 911 is too.
  8h
99% of girls get an orgasm if you fuck her like this 😉�pic-twittrs.in/1p5ywb8NP
  8h
excuse me what did you say i cant hear you i have an ear disease called i dont fucking care
  8h
That awkward moment, where theres an awkward moment, and everyone knows it's an awkward moment, then somebody says, "AWWWKKKKWAAARRDD!"
  8h
And then Satan said, "Put the alphabet in math..."
  8h
I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.
  9h
Man Born with Two Penises.!! 😳�pic-twittrs.in/1mgWnQCMc
  9h
Do you ever start rubbing your eyes and then it feels really good and you can’t stop so it’s like eye masturbation
  9h
Sex with an ex is like borrowing a car you sold to a friend. The handling is very familiar but you feel a need to abuse it a little.
I miss you. The old you.. The new one sucks.
no wifi = no life