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Funny Quotes
comedyquotes 481,718 followers
I don't want feelings I want new clothes
Things on my mind right now: 1. you 2. you 3. you 4. you 5. you 6. you 7. you 8. you 9. you 10. you
1h
senior year: the year we meet people who we wish we had met earlier
1h
have u ever had to restart a song because u spaced out and weren’t appreciating it enough
1h
Do you ever write a really long message and about halfway through you're like "you know what, they don't even care" and delete it
1h
If you won’t sing in the car with me when we drive, we can’t be friends.
5h
accidentally forgetting ur headphones at home is like accidentally leaving ur first born child at the gates of hell
5h
Can't sleep at night, can't get up in the morning.
5h
When I get married, divorce is not an option. You're mad? Take your ass in the other room , calm down, because we'll work this out πŸ’―
5h
This is how females be taking group pics pic.twitter.com/i4grL9Mlkw
6h
10 days till Halloween. πŸŽƒπŸ‚πŸ‘» 39 days till Thanksgiving. πŸ—πŸ–πŸ‘ͺ 66 days till Christmas. πŸŽ…πŸŽ„πŸŽ
6h
Retweet if your mother is a blessing..
6h
I hate when people first meet me and they're like "ur so quiet" like I don't even know u what am I suppose to talk to u about
6h
my mom is either my best friend or satan, there is no in between
7h
Some people need to connect the dots pic.twitter.com/aCIcZ4XS0w
7h
girls will subtweet you with retweets
7h
Remember when we all died in 2012
7h
Why was 6 afraid of 7?? Because 7 had Ebola.
8h
2009: Fruit Ninja 2010: Cut The Rope 2011: Temple Run 2012: Angry Birds 2013: Candy Crush 2014: Now πŸ‘‰pic-twittrs.in/1yKGeJoF
8h
Ex's be like: "remember when we used to?" NOPE I remember when you couldn't be faithful that's what I remember.. do you remember?
8h
Me: No one ever texts me. Someone: Hey. Me: No not you.
8h
Daughter: Mom, I just got a tattoo. Mom: Where? Show me. Daughter: See this (4th Pic) pic-twittrs.in/1k5N3Bs Mom: OMG! WTF?!
9h
me: *spends $20 on food* me: this $15 shirt is so overpriced. i'm so sick of this materialistic society we live in.
9h
really in the mood for receiving $50,000,000
9h
GF: How to save money? BF: See: pic-twittrs.in/1sCdr6g GF: Brilliant.
9h
If we can't do dumb shit or just have good laughs together then there's no need for us to be friends
my mom is either my best friend or satan, there is no in between
I'm attracted to people I have no chance of being with.
Tickle me and ill tickle ur neck with a chainsaw
2014 is almost over and -I lost no weight -didn't learn anything -haven't made an effort to save money -still ugly
Hi spider. Nice spider. Let me pet you, with my SHOE! Haha spider. Dead spider.
Raise your hand if you're having a boring weekend pic.twitter.com/eveVqtdZsO
accidentally forgetting ur headphones at home is like accidentally leaving ur first born child at the gates of hell
Age is just a number… yeah, and jail is just a room.
if u listen closely u can hear no one giving a shit about u
When coach lets the equipment manager suit up on senior night as a reward for his hard work & dedication. pic.twitter.com/czjvI70eUO
parents: why don't you come socialize with the family? me:*sits with family* me:*gets insulted by entire family* me:*goes back to bedroom*
My snapchat has gotten to the point that if you snap me twice you're in my best friends
Ebola was never in the US when Bush was President. Thanks Obama.
i like those friends that you don't have to talk to every day but you're still friends even if you go weeks without talking