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Funny Quotes
comedyquotes 471,678 followers
When you can't decline their call so you're forced to watch your phone ring 😂�
we are the generation that grew up too fast
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
i'm the friend who still laughs 20 minutes after the joke isn't even funny anymore💀
I hate when I smile at a stranger and they don’t smile back I’m doing this for you fucker
homework: A classwork: A homework: A classwork: A homework: A test: F final grade : F
⚪️ Single ⚪️ Taken 🔘 Bruh idk wtf is going on
If my tweets offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a pussy
i’m still pissed off about growing up
I am a very private person, yet I am an open book... If you don’t ask, I won’t tell
RIP to all the money I spent on food so far this year
when your parents yelling at you in the car
Me studying: Writes down 3 words Checks twitter Changes song Gets snack Sneezes Contemplates life Loses place in notes Falls asleep
I only want positive people around me.
Sleeping is nice because you're not actually dead and you're not awake so its a win-win situation.
The difference between girl friend and girlfriend is that little tiny space called the friend zone
weather be like: mon - 75° ☀ tues - 22° ❄ wed - 57° ⛅ thurs - 30° ☔ fri - 80°☀ (with a chance of snow)
I hate when people text me first and then don’t keep the conversation going... what the fuck do you even text me for?!
I only accept "K" from my mom
Using y = mx + b to measure the slope of that ass girl.
I’m 99.9% sure I’m the ugly friend
When your mom forces you to go grocery shopping
Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
Awkward moment when you're talking to yourself and start to smile like an idiot because you're so hilarious.
As a college student you’re either struggling academically, financially, or emotionally. Or all three.
Awww I love getting cute good night texts from no one.
I may look calm, but in my head I've already killed you 3 times, AND hid the body.
I wish I could re-live some nights.
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5 or 6 times, just to be sure.
I love you. *erases* I miss you. *erases* Can we talk? *erases* What's up? *sends*
Trust me, as you get to know me, I just get weirder.
I hate when people first meet me and they're like "ur so quiet" like I don't even know u what am I suppose to talk to u about
i broke up with my gym we were just not working out
do you ever get those pangs of anxiety where you feel like nobody likes you and nobody will ever like you and you will achieve nothing
marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than u so they wont eat all of urs
Niggas drop outta high school & get a job at McDonalds talkin bout "on my grind" lmao okay, GRIND me up a Oreo Mcflurry with yo dumb ass
Only real 90s babies know about these
Dudes names on twitter be like, "yung based savage killa drug god" but then they tweet like, "I just want you to love me."
4 out of 5 men prefer women with big asses. The 5th guy prefers the other 4 guys
If i stay in bed i’ll be warm if i get in the shower i’ll also be warm but the distance between the bed and the shower that is not warm
Seriously can't wait til the day I'm sitting in my own house with my own car and a beautiful family and I can actually say, "I made it."
society: be yourself society: not like that