If you can't convince them, confuse them.
I either get what I want or I change my mind.
You can either agree with me, or be wrong.
If you die in a elevator be sure to press the up button.
Don't take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much. You're not that good.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
I'm not paranoid... but I know that you think I am.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Access denied--nah nani na nah nah!
I learned a lot from dogs: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
The funny thing about this message is that one you realize its pointless its too late to stop ;-)
Cellulite is not an imperfection, those dimples are saying "I'm sexy" in braille.
I may be drunk but you're ugly. Tomorrow I'll be sober.
It was funny until somebody lost an eye- then it was hilarious!
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Contrary to popular belief, God's surname is not damnit!
I would call you a tool, but even THEY serve a purpose.
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I think -- therefore I'm single.
Check out these 15 top pranks of all time! bit.ly/1bO70Y8
Do you like water? You do? Then you'll like at least 70% of my body!
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Bad decisions make good stories.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
Why do men fart more than women? -- Because women won't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
A friend gives you their umbrella in the rain; a best friend takes yours and says, "RUN BITCH, RUN!"
I feel so miserable without you, it?s almost like having you here.
“Your future depends on your dreams” – So go to sleep
Worst dance moves ever... bit.ly/16GPFcD
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.
The elder people usually give us many advice because they have lost the ability of giving bad examples.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Why do they call it "common sense" if 90% of the people in the world don't have it?
Squirrels: Nature's Little Speed Bumps!
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Statistically, a child goes missing every 5 minutes. - It's no surprise, hide and seek is very popular.
Check out these crazy japanese toys bit.ly/16v9Ji3
How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could Chuck Norris
My girlfriend says I should be more sensitive.
These pics look normal, but when you see it... bit.ly/16o0Uq1
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? - None, they never get the house
There are only two kinds of men - the dead and the deadly.
There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he doesn't believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.
Age most people stop believing in Santa Claus : 8 -- Age most people stop believing in politicians : 7
Remember Jesus loves you... It's everyone else who thinks you're an idiot.