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Fortune Feimster
Just a normal, every day text conversation with @jiffywild
This guy is probably swimming in puss!
This is your brain on the floor. Or is it your brain on drugs? I don't know. Point is, don't do drugs.…
It's hard to convey that I am a gay man trapped in a woman's body when I am constantly wearing adidas shirts.
It was another fun week filming Mulaney! Thanks to @mulaney, @NasimPedrad, @SeatonSmith, & @ZackPearlman for making me feel welcomed!
Went to a movie tonight where the director and writer surprised everyone with a Q&A after. I wanted to ask, "Why was your movie so shitty?"
More people could lose weight masturbating if they incorporated jump roping.
I like sports as much as anybody but players and coaches can't be so important that they are allowed to hit, rape, murder, be pedophiles...
Thinking about the time when I was 21 and saw my friend's dad at the beach with another woman and he said, "You didn't see me here." #gross
I love that the people defending Ray Rice saying he only punched her once assume that was the only time he's ever punched her. #doubtful
Don't mind me. Just sitting here reading about celebrity divas. #single
These people were just so impressed with their show that they don't want to take the sign down.
I'd like to hang out with whoever did this. Nothing says I'm ready to party like three empty mini…
Big, round booties may be the thing to have when you're in your 20's and 30's but when you're in your 50's you just have a big ass.
I have standup shows coming up in San Jose, Philly, West Palm Beach, & Chicago! Rescheduling Indianapolis. for info!
I'm finally getting the kind of love from male fans that I always hoped for...even if they do leave…
Shooting Mulaney again this week! It's a fun new sitcom that premieres in a few weeks on Fox.
I think the guy beside me has tourette's because he keeps yelling stupid bitch faggot but he hasn't made eye contact with me once.
Hey 60 year old dudes at Starbucks talking loudly about the mile high club, nobody wants to hear about you & your old balls fucking anything
Just rewatched the "Roseanne" pilot & it's the best pilot I've seen. First time seeing a family like mine on TV. Well done @therealroseanne.
My grandmother who practically raised me died of cancer when I was 18. It changed me forever. I hope people donate to
I wasn't sure if my neighborhood was classy until I saw a neighbor's car with a fake pair of nuts hanging from it. Now I know. Classy.
LA!! I'm performing at the Improv tonight and the Comedy Store tomorrow night! Hope to see you there!
#FollowFriday @fortunefunny for being one of the funniest and warm hearted people on my twitter stream!! #FF
Retweeted by Fortune Feimster
I love my backyard. It doesn't feel like you are in LA at all. And I just planted a little lemon tree. #lesbian
Sometimes you just want to lay in the grass, even if it is in your backyard.
I was reading an article about the falling out of Carson and Joan. It's a shame they were never able to resolve that. Life is too short.
We love this inconvenient Aww @risasarachan! @fortunefunny gave you the big piece of chocolate! #Bffs
Retweeted by Fortune Feimster
Tonite 10pm at Hollywood Improv I practice my hour special. With special guest @fortunefunny. Get on free list here…
Retweeted by Fortune Feimster
With so many legends dying lately, I'm reminded of what I set out to do and I am determined more than ever to only surround myself with love
For those saying Joan's death isn't a time to make jokes, she wrote in her book exactly what she wanted so suck it!
Anyone offended by Joan Rivers jokes is obviously not familiar with her work. She lived to make people laugh and died wanting the same thing
I'm most sad I will never have the honor of Joan Rivers ripping my outfit to shreds. I'm certain I'm going to wear some really shitty things
Was this Joan's way of telling us she didn't approve of this season's "Dancing with the Stars" cast? #RIPJoanRivers
Something tells me everyone in heaven is going to be really stepping up their fashion game. #RIPJoanRivers
Only the great Joan Rivers would have the audacity to overshadow Beyonce's birthday. #RIPJoanRivers
With the passing of so many legendary comedians this year, heaven has gotten a lot funnier.
Dammit, Joan! Why couldn't you have waited til after I got enough clout to get to work with you?! She will be missed. #RIPJoanRivers
Rest in peace, Joan Rivers. Regardless of what people thought about her, she was a comedy legend and paved tremendous paths for us women.
BTW, you can only watch the video I just posted on your computer. Some copyright thing is keeping it from being viewed on phones.
My friends and I made a ridiculous and fun video to the song "Meeting In the Ladies Room." Check it out!…
Indianapolis people! Unfortunately I have to cancel my shows next week because I'm filming another episode of Mulaney. Will reschedule soon!
I could watch @offlestwins dance all day long. They are DOPE!
Hey guys with flames on your short sleeved button up! Just no.
At Starbucks & this pic is on the wall. @RickGlassman caught me staring at it. It's been confirmed. It's not a penis.
When people try to discourage me from eating muffins by saying they're cake, it only makes me more excited that I can eat cake for breakfast
I saw someone on Molly the other night and you would have thought they were on crack. Whoever told you it was cool to do that shit was wrong