Want to Grow Your
Social Media, Free?
There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
Common sense isn’t very common these days.
Love is an irresistible desire, to be irresistibly desired.
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger… then it hit me.
I never apologise. I’m sorry, that’s just the way I am.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. The answer was yes, they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
Out of my mind. Back in a few minutes.
The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back.
If it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight.
If you're too open-minded your brains may fall out.
Anyone who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried it.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.
Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
Why is it drive up ATM's have braile.
Dictators, are they considered being politicians?
Procrastination is the greatest laborsaving invention of all time.
Middle age is the time in life when, after pulling in your stomach, you look as if you ought to pull in your stomach.
Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that. - Norman Vincent Peale
The price of excellence is discipline. The cost of mediocrity is disappointment.
It's not what you have, it's what you do with what you have.
Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Sorry but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
When I was born I was so in shock, I didn't talk for a year and a half.
My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.
A wise man will never tell his wife to keep quiet. He will tell her she looks beautiful with her mouth closed.
All other pregnant woman give birth to a baby, while my mother gave birth to a legend.
No matter what anyone says, my cooking is excellent, even the smoke alarm seems to be cheering me on!
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I would love to punch in the face!
Life was so much easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits!
Common sense is so rare it should be considered a superpower nowadays.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things that I keep to myself!
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. And vodka makes you not remember any of that crap.
Im having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don't even know if I'm kidding or not.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.