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A woman fails to come home one night. When she gets home the next morning she tells her husband she stayed at a... fb.me/3Sn1CH0kO
Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment.
You will find that the only thing you can do easily is be wrong, and that's hardly worth the effort.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
You either have to be first, best, or different.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
A famous heart doctor goes to give a lecture to a group of physicians from out of town. As he going to the... fb.me/379L4tjOj
An optimist laughs to forget. A pessimist forgets to laugh.
Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. - Albert Einstein
The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.
The game of choice for... fb.me/3Q1mya8mS
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
I'm supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?
If you can't read this, thank the teacher's union.
My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Well, at least the war on the environment is going well.
Stable relationships are for horses.
We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it... fb.me/4wu5vQ5bv
An Apple a day keeps Windows away.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
I said to my wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub?" They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in this... fb.me/sS6sZlwD
I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.
Trying to squash a rumor is like trying to unring a bell.
Beer: Healthy and most enjoyable form of water.
My apartment was robbed the other day and everything was replaced with exact replicas.
I told my roommate about... fb.me/7iGuYN8Jd
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. - Father Larry Lorenzoni
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. - Oscar Wilde
I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
Have you tried this? fb.me/47YOw7ar3
What we fel some timers, right? fb.me/3KrKzWCSU
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. - Jerome K. Jerome
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. - Mark Twain
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers
In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon... fb.me/4vAKc7TWC
I can resist everything except temptation. - Oscar Wilde
The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires. - William A. Ward
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. - Will Rogers
On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text... fb.me/43DsI3ITy
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
Practical, right? fb.me/2jorzoIXW
Good idea, right? fb.me/4f2Npnvne
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
When I asked if I could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted they assured me I would be covered.
He was stereotypically Nordic: pale skin, fair hair, and a heavy accent.
He introduced himself and began with a... fb.me/47nfzw5cK
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.