Common sense is so rare it should be considered a superpower nowadays.
Here are some good things that happen as you grow older
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning... fb.me/22xwM93ua
As you grow old, you lose interest in sex, your friends drift away and your children often ignore you. There are... fb.me/8qFqq7wKf
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things that I keep to myself!
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. And vodka makes you not remember any of that crap.
Im having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she... fb.me/1kwt10yZd
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don't even know if I'm kidding or not.
I speak 4 languages: English, Profanity, Sarcasm, and Real shit.
A group of idiots led by a wise man can defeat a group of wise people led by an idiot.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first... fb.me/1nwiG19No
Why do women live longer than men? Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bills does.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
You should never underestimate the power of your girlfriend. She has the ability to make anything your fault.
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull... fb.me/88Z1Dhuqq
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Being yourself is being the person everyone else wants you to be.
Bacteria is sometimes the only culture some people have.
A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they... fb.me/WZ1TbnBs
Why are there no romantic restaurants on the moon? There is no atmosphere.
Everyday is a gift, thats why they call it the present.
Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always... fb.me/5cyreDXmh
When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only... fb.me/8DvlmRJgR
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
Love is like heaven but hurts like hell.
They say the truth will set you free. But then why is it that every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?.
Anger is one letter short of danger.
Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.... fb.me/3Kz58QoUI
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to.
Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows the public opinion.
A lie travels round the world while truth is putting her boots on.
A friend's eye is a good mirror.
My phone bill was past due and I needed to change my service, so I had to visit the local Bell Atlantic Office.... fb.me/YMU7j716
A friend in need is a friend indeed.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with... fb.me/1qoSs0ebj
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
Dad: Never argue with an idiot.
Dad: He will drag you down to their level and then beat you with his... fb.me/7GwZLtWcz
The first myth of management is that it exists.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct... fb.me/1ukUXJydn
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.