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Funny Laugh
What's the similarity between a bird and a turtle? They can both fly. Except for the turtle.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
In 1814 Women had no rights. In 1914 Women fought for some rights. In 2014 Women are always fucking right.
why do famous and rich people always get free things when they are the ones who can afford it
me? jealous? of you? bless your delusional heart
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
when ur sad always remember that u don’t look like you did in 6th grade
Everyone's middle name should be, motherfuckin ...try it. Doesn't it sound so great?
i love wearing sunglasses. am i looking at your face? am i looking at your ass? no one knows.
"Money can’t make you happy" WELL IT SURE AS HELL AINT GONNA MAKE ME SAD
If you still got that "I'm not texting you first" mindset, you're childish as fuck
i will spend $40 on food but won't buy a $40 shirt
Started from myspace now we here
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food.
When I sleep less than 8 hours I'm exhausted and want to die, but when I sleep more than 8 hours I'm exhausted and want to die.
How do people rap I can't even talk without messing it up
I got 99 problems and they're all solved with vodka.
I press all the "Try Me" buttons on the toys and then just walk away.
if im on twitter more than usual that means i have a lot of stuff i need to be doing and im trying to avoid doing it
"if you like someone, just tell them!" is the worst piece of shit advice you can give to anyone
buy me food and laugh at my jokes and i’ll love you forever
it doesn't matter how good you look, if we can't laugh then we can't be together
i hate when people who matter to me disappoint me
I've got the moves like jagger! Just kidding, I dance like a retarded penguin.
You must be a keyboard because you’re just my type.
Do you ever start writing a tweet and halfway through you’re just like “nah”
but seriously what would i do without music???
when ur ignoring someone's text but ur still up on twitter
I automatically dislike anyone with my name because it feels like a competition and let’s be honest, you're not winning that
"you are what you eat" i don’t remember eating a huge disappointment
I was feeling a little off today, but you definitely turned me on.
I heard sex was killer. Want to die happy?
You're like school in the summertime -- no class.
F is for vodka U is for vodka N is for vodka
Its just one of those days where everything pisses me off. Friend: "Hey whats up man?!" Me: "Shut the fuck up bitch."
how am i supposed to control my life i can’t even control my hair
Cereal is an acceptable meal at all times of the day
Girls lose interest if you're not there enough or if you're there too much. Y'all need to give us a schedule.
Facebook needs a "Wow that's the dumbest f*cking thing I've ever heard, you should be punched in the throat" button.
Showing cleavage doesn't fix your face, sorry
Whenever you're feeling down, remember, you're the sperm that won.
I wish I could re-live some nights.
You gotta text her goodnight if she special. The other bitches just get the "oh my bad I fell asleep" text in the morning
Some Role Model Fails You Won't Believe!
Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll.. or you're taking shit from some asshole.
Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you’re so damn funny.
I don't trust anyone. They all stab you in the back eventually.
I think I'm gonna take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower but with me in it.