We've all met a child that makes us realize 'child abuse' began for a reason.
Life is full of choices... So eat first.
“Damn...you’re so hot”
...I whispered as I took my plate of food out of the microwave
I’ll be a vegetarian when bacon grows on trees.
We all have a friend who think they're a professional photographer.
That annoying moment when your mom compares you to another kid and she has no idea how much worst they are than you.
Don't bother trying to understand women... Women understand women, and they hate each other.
You’re gorgeous, but you’d look better with me.
Diet ideas: Eat whatever you want, and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight... eat them too.
Nutella: The answer to everything in life.
You know you've won the argument when the other person says "whatever..."
No matter how badass you think you are if a child hands you a toy phone you answer that shit.
*Texts back 3 weeks later*
...Sorry I fell asleep.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
You unfollow me because you're afraid of falling in love with me, I know.
I hate it when I'm laughing and my ass falls off.
Do I turn left when nothing is right?... Or do I turn right when there's nothing left?
Life and beer are very similar; Chill for best results.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
Story of my life: I don't know what to wear because i look ugly in everything.
My superpowers are drinking beer and judging others.
I only go on the internet like once a day for approximately 24 hours.
Friend: What are you gonna be for #Halloween
You only need 3.5 inches to truly satisfy a woman... It’s called a credit card.
Listen, I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, we go to parties.
When I was kid, my social network was called "outside".
I want to quit drinking... But my momma didn't raise no quitter!
Person: I like your name.
Me: Thanks, I got it for my birthday.
"Hey, it's been 30 seconds, go check your phone again."
- My Brain
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange.
I like Halloween because it’s the only day you get told you look good for looking ugly.
Can you taste the shit coming out of your mouth?
Not sure if.. no, I definitely hate you.
Lazy Rule: No shower is needed, if you’re not going anywhere.
My day starts backwards… I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
If a man says you're ugly he's being mean.
If a woman says you're ugly she's envious.
If a little kid says you're ugly, you're ugly.
70% of Twitter users have a Girlfriend/Boyfriend…
RT if you love your right hand.
My degree of sarcasm depends on your degree of stupidity.
✹Opens math book✹
✹Slowly begins to cry✹
✹Closes math book✹
I don’t need to go to shool I can learn anything I want through youtube tutorials.
I’m really good at keeping secrets because five minutes later I forget what you told me because I don’t care.
My only talent is breathing.
Etc = end of thinking capacity.
My girlfriend is like my Lamborghini!... I don't have a Lamborghini.
Current emotion: I'm broke
Dear sleep, I know we had our problems when I was a kid, but I love you now.
Me: "Sometimes I like to talk too myself."
Me: "So do I."
My mouth automatically says "shit" when something goes wrong.
Friend: Guess what!?
Me: Your gay?