Friend: Fuck everyone
Me: I doubt you have enough condition to do it. But don't worry I'll help you.
I don't make mistakes. I date them.
I think I've fallen in hate with you.
Me on the internet: LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME!!!
Me in real life: PLEASE, don't look at me.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.
Stop calling yourself hot. The only thing you turn on is the microwave.
Dear food I have 2 demands for you:
1.) Stop being so delicious &
2.) Stop making me fat
Sincerely, food lover
⇨Gets off twitter⇦
⇨Gets off twitter⇦
Should I repeat myself again?
Sometimes words can't describe how much I love.... Pizza.
Screw YOLO, my motto is Hakuna Matata.
Don't assume my tweets are about you. But if you’re affected by them, then that obviously means you’re guilty of something.
My relationship status: Went from being "single" to "still single".
The best curve on a girl is her smile (: Lol just kidding, look at that ass.
Bored? Send a text message to a random number saying: "Im Pregnant"
I’m super lazy today, which is kind of like normal lazy but I’m also wearing a cape.
If I'm texting you first, you're doing something right or you're hot.
Shut up bitch, your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
Face down, ass up, that's the way we........ Tie our shoes.
Girl: You're cute
Me: Thanks, I know
Moral point of story: Compliments are overrated.
Noooo....Wifi, please don't leave me. I need you.
I'm sorry I offended you when I called you a bitch, I honestly thought you knew.
My No.1 activity is pretending that I can sing.
Next time don't use "If or "I wish" but be like @Nike
and Just Do It.
Is it that hard to text me first?
It's crazy how long friendships end so quickly.
Lucky enough to have you around. But sad that I don't have a clue what I'm doing.
If I send you ugly selfies, our friendship is real.
May the wings of your eyeliner always be uneven.
Sleep is my drug. My bed is my dealer. My alarm is the cops. School is the jail.
The only thing I miss here is hooker.
What's the point of cleaning my room if it just gets messy 2 minutes later.
Mirrors don't lie. Lucky for you, they can't laugh either.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love.
Me? I use coupons to get pizza.
I'm in desperate need of summer.
Everything is legal when the cops aren't around.
There are two types of people in the world:
1.) People who understand and appreciate sarcasm.
You just got to love them!
fridge is too heavy to carry with me all the time.
Smile, because you never know when you will lose your teeth.
I hate it when I make plans, get all excited, then my mom says "no"
I would really need repeat button for Saturdays.
If only I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind.
Worst feeling on Twitter is probably when you're followed by eggs.
I'm sometimes asking myself how many kids do I have and don't about them
Dear Karma, I have a long list of people you missed.
Person: "You're really cute." Me: "Are you making fun of me?"
Throwing fridges at people who need to chill out.
My ex? Yea I'd hit that... with a car.
One of the most common words nowadays: Fuck...
And result?: More than 7 billion people in our planet.
Sometime I wish there would be undo button for my mouth.
''Dammit I'm mad''
Try to spell it backwards
"Are you crying?"
"Nope, I'm impersonating a fountain."