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Funny Laugh
comedy fun funnytweets jokes 222,307 followers
I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out. I was like OMg.
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
CHILD PHOTOGRAPHY. If you read that wrong, you might have a problem.
Person: Oh my god! Did you just fall?! Me: No, The floor looked lonely, So I kissed it.
Saying YOU'RE WELCOME really loudly when people dont thank you.
I swear ugly people find love faster.
Why go to school when you can light yourself on fire and feel the same way?
Screw twerking, girl can you cook?
Alcohol is bad for you, weed is bad you, cigarette is bad for you. But don't worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Guy: "Hey, I can't find my phone. Can you please call it?" Girl: "Sure." *Ring ring ring* Guy: "Haha b!tch, I got your number now!"
I’ve met some pricks in my time but you are the fucking cactus.
Facebook is like jail. you sit around, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know
That awkward moment when a hoe tries to give relationship advice.
Without facebook I probably wouldn't have wished you a happy birthday.
Sex is the price women pay for marriage,and marriage is the price men pay for sex.
You don't like me? Ok Sir please wait right there, and let me go and print you out a copy of my fucks to give list.
I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
Going to your friend`s house and eating all their food like you own the place.
The last thing I do every night and the first thing I do every morning is check my phone.
The awkward moment when your friends make plans right in front of you, and the plans don't include you.
Me: How much is this poster of this sexy man? Sales Clerk: That's a mirror, sir.
I would like to thank my arms, for always being by side. My legs, for always supporting me, & my fingers…because I can always count on them.
You breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
Girls these days don't realize that those assholes they love won't pay the bills in 10 years.
If I forgive you once, don't mess up twice.
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