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Elise Schreiner
415 followers
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*Shoves 40 acorns in mouth* "Dude what are u doing?" Hmp anh mu wuh ho- "Wait what?" *spits out acorns* I'm on my way to steal ur squirrel
Retweeted by Elise Schreiner
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
The fact that Mrs. Esposito will probably be wearing a poncho tomorrow makes going to school that much harder
Chex Mix Chex Mi Chex M Chex Che Check out my mixtape
me: fix all the problems with the app Twitter: how bout when u fav something we make the star explode me: oh hell yea Twitter: hell yea
Retweeted by Elise Schreiner
*drops paper* *tries to pick up paper* Paper: "I have a boyfriend"
cute things to call your girlfriend: 1. sugar 2. honey 3. flour 4. egg 5. 1/2 lb butter 6. stir 7. pour into pan 8. preheat to 375°
Retweeted by Elise Schreiner
Rachel stuck a pad to my bulletin board in the 8th grade and it's still there pic.twitter.com/5Zk4MTaqFj
But in all seriousness: Spongebob themed prom
Retweeted by Elise Schreiner
Pretty sure I chant the intro to Ned's declassified school survival guide in my sleep should I see a doctor or
Retweeted by Elise Schreiner
phone is being held hostage
"This is ned Bigby from Ned's declassified now.... Feel old yet?!?" pic.twitter.com/ssIldDeXTM
*flips pillow onto the cool side* *its wearing huf socks and smoking a cig* dam this side is so cool
Retweeted by Elise Schreiner
[Sees ex at mall] "Hey, what's new" Well, I'm dating again *Puts arm around old navy mannequin* "You're pathetic" I miss you so fucking much
Retweeted by Elise Schreiner
Best dog I could ask for r.i.p gracie pic.twitter.com/HOkaaJ3efy
I don't think I'll ever listen to the song Firework the same way
If it is important to you, you will find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.
Retweeted by Elise Schreiner
Liam Neeson approaches you and says "I have a very particular set of skills" then knocks you out. You wake up next to a perfect origami swan
Retweeted by Elise Schreiner
Obama: I'm gonna do my speech. Biden: Ok. Obama: So no pointing at friends, Joe. Biden: Ok. Obama: I mean it. Biden: pic.twitter.com/dttwxYSuEt
Retweeted by Elise Schreiner
Bae just brought me food to my doorstep too (the pizza delivery guy)
Are there any boys left on the planet that haven't dropped food off at Megan Swick's doorstep at one time or another? #replytweet
Retweeted by Elise Schreiner
Adam and Eve chose an apple but I'm really more of a PC gal myself
My dad just told me to take the trash out, but it's just really not my type
Does the label on that box describe the pizza or joe? pic.twitter.com/aYXCS0dzLT
bestfri(end) girlfri(end) boyfri(end) b(∞)ty
Retweeted by Elise Schreiner
Cop: Why were you speeding? Me: SHE'S IN LABOR! Cop: That's a beach ball in a wig. Me: Cop: Me: I don't think I'm the father. Cop: Get out.
Retweeted by Elise Schreiner
[Lining my stuffed animals up on my bed] "I have a girl coming over tonight so play it cool guys" *one falls over* "OMG seriously Rupert?"
Retweeted by Elise Schreiner
When someone compliments u but u know they ain't sincere pic.twitter.com/RqY6h3fhO6
THE NORTH KOREANS HAVE WON FREEDOM HAS LOST COMEDY HAS LOST CINEMA HAS LOST
Retweeted by Elise Schreiner