Accidentally put balsamic vinaigrette dressing in my coffee instead of milk, it's one of those mornings
It's cool how Bruce Lee studied philosophy & poetry then applied it to something beautiful like punching people in the face.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Me in 7th grade vs Mrs. Pallen now pic.twitter.com/muc9ewVkxT
"Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behavior does."
Sparknotes is too much to read at this point
Wife: You always take me to the same crappy Taco Bell.
Me: I hear you loud and clear.
*takes her to a slightly nicer Taco Bell*
Is anyone really prepared for that AP Psych exam tomorrow? pic.twitter.com/L9NMxF2iEo
when her twitter bio is "i probably hate you" pic.twitter.com/DshFA5zLXm
"aliens arent real"
me: ok buddy listen here and listen good......
Mayweather: I've been playing pac man studying his every move
Interviewer: you know pac man is just a nick name right?
You're a fucking asshole and you didn't deserve her.
Surround yourself with positive people that don't try to bring you or your friends down:)
I hope the Eagles draft Lebron James
I really hate how my teacher won't round my 57% up to an A
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes pic.twitter.com/WXCTJTvCep
last night i thought it would be funny to pick up a gun and point it at lilly and im now realizing how bad that could have been wow
"It's probably not even loaded you pussy"
[Husband walks in all a mess]
I was in a crane accident.
Wife: OMG, were you hurt?
*spits out feathers* No, just a little bruised up.
Attention: the rumors are 100% TRUE ! I am running for President of The United States Of America 2016 #FlockaForPresident2016
Happy birthday @aaalyssanicole
! Here is a pic of U & me ft. the fridge pic.twitter.com/WhjEpUVxER
Interviewer: Your resume only has "Mad" under "Skills"
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You're just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I heard Barack Obama is at smoothie king
Tell her fart jokes til she ain't sad no more
Who else thinks that @CorsLight25
looked like Tina from Bob's burgers pic.twitter.com/LOUoUj2jx7
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese lol
Coachella rocked two years in a row❤️ pic.twitter.com/Zho57nEYDK
tryna get my beer gut big enough so I can eat chicken nuggets off of it
HAPPY TAX DAY RACHEL! Oh and birthday pic.twitter.com/IgepRXlZb3
*password is too weak*
*password starts working out*
*password enters weightlifting competition*
Wise words from Ryan Myers pic.twitter.com/Dk1q2A7cWp
This picture is currently giving me all the life I need. #Hillary2016 pic.twitter.com/WjLx9FlwCE
bro get over here. that anchorman reference you made a couple minutes ago? that was SICK. everyone at this party fucking loves you now.
Fine line between selfishness and happiness
If you gon do it do it just like this pic.twitter.com/k1MqaT5eQm
I have been waiting for this day my entire life pic.twitter.com/ebPsQKIxeI
Beyonce's last album has sold over 2 million digital copies. How many digital copies did the Beatles sell in the sixties? 0.
I wish I could just get over it
Someone tell Karly I just bought her a matching shirt and that I'm wearing it to her wedding pic.twitter.com/N6hojHTGVd