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Welcome to Twitter. Your seat might be in coach, but the nuts are complimentary.
I find it’s just easier to hate everything from a seated position.
So sleepy. I think it's time for lunch.
I chose to tell the whole truth. I also chose to omit few key elements of the truth. My bad.
Jennifer Lawrence accidentally kissing Natalie Domer made more news than the cat who smoked while playing the saxophone...WTF, world?
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It's always those 19th century pricks
Is "butt-hurt" two words or hyphenated? I want this apology letter to be perfect.
I believe people meet for a reason. You save each other in different ways. It's destiny, be grateful.
Think of ways..
To make her smile..
The whole day !!
Having kids is fun because when you're already running late, you also need to stop & lie about where babies come from.
This is going to get weirder
Remember calling your mom from payphones? Going to jail was a whole different thing back then.
You sir, have some incredibly villainous eyebrows.
She is the one ...
I want to sit outside with ...
Holding her hands ...
The whole night !!
My comic timing is impressive. Atleast in my head...
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
"I don't know what kind of scam you're trying to pull here, new baby, but nobody is buying it."
How fun would it be if you had a glass eye to just roll it across the table during a meeting?
Sometimes life is one step backward, two steps back.
My tweets may contain feelings today.
Swerve now, you've been warned.
Pizzas that look nothing like the ones on brochures is why I have crust issues.
Did somebody order a huge disappointment?
Let's have a few more "last times".
You bring calm to my chaos.
What? How was I supposed to know that it's not ok to bathe in the chocolate fountain...
Remember a time when lyrics were louder than music.
I'm going to need you to explain to my insomnia that we were nothing.
It's okay junk drawer, my life is a mess too.
At some point you finally realize that person who felt so familiar was a stranger all along.
"So much wasted time" I think, as I sit here wasting more
The only thing that Twitter has taught me is that some people will do anything for a retweet
If you're having a bad day, hug a puppy
I shouldn't. But I will.
- An autobiography
They say cameras add 10 pounds but I can't help myself. Cameras are fucking delicious.
be thankful if someone check up to see how you're doing, because no one even care enough nowadays
*Hands you a bridge.... to get over yourself.
It's not all about the timing when considering how to deliver a proper sucker punch.
You'll also need to choose your sucker wisely.
I don't care why the love of my life broke up with me, I want to know why this stranger blocked me.
Always be kind. But trust no one.
There are some situations only chocolate can fix.
Don't fight it. Fix it.
Of course you're fucking confused...you keep trying to understand.
The fear of leaving something unsaid causes me great anxiety. In turn, I often say too much. Which again, causes me anxiety.
Don't give up on yourself. Everyone else has given up on you. You're your only hope.
Remember that time you got exactly what you wanted and it actually made you happy?
Once you sign up for Groupon emails, you're in for life. Click unsubscribe all you want. It's blood in blood out fool.
Learning. Slow as fuck, but I'm learning.
Putting my hard hat on and off I go into those dirty caves to mine me some #Bitcoins
"I want a man who's madly in love with my mind," she said as she posted a picture of herself in a bikini, licking an ice cream cone.
If she borrows your hoodie just fucking forget it, go buy a new one.
I should probably try living outside of my head now.