I seriously need like 2 cups of coffee and like 10 million dollars...
My iPhone and I are not on talking terms at the moment... *sad face emoticon*
A circle looks at a square and sees a badly made circle.
You lie a dog, you wake up with flees...
I'm fine, I'm fine... you just got me right in the nads...
... Jesus Christ...
to finance his creative process...wtf happened? the #Kardashians
finally run out of their fine assets?
Really? A fucking salad??
- Julius Caesar coming back to life
Twitter, where boobs are adored, trolls are deplored, we worship the beard, typos are feared, everyone's in lust and booze is a must.
Why do we even have gendered deodorants... I'm a grown ass man and if I want to smell like coco butter kiss I fucking will
Single people hate Valentine's Day. People in relationships hate Valentine's Day. Why the fuck do we have Valentine's Day.
Ever have to call someone and get annoyed when they actually answer?
What's the difference between being hungry n being horny?
Where u put the cucumber.
Being popular on twitter is like owning a bunch of property in Monopoly.
Happy 'I Love You' Day...
Happy 'I Love You' Day... 😘
I think we're just going to have to be secretly in love with each other and leave it at that...
presenting Kim Kardashonion? #KimKardashian
So am I entitled to overtime pay for my tweets?
out encrypting my farts...brb.
if only the number of my push-ups i did this week equalled the number of tweets i tweeted, i'd be preparing for the mr. universe finals!
Me: Umm, have you tried texting?
I wished I loved exercising as much as I love eating pizza...
the journey to the center of the mall.... #ModernJulesVerneTitles
around the city in 80 minutes... #ModernJulesVerneTitles
20,000 meters onto the highway... #ModernJulesVerneTitles
was shoplifted and later manhandled by security...
was the contingency plan...now what?
a text message is an accident waiting to happen...
when in doubt, ask yourself, "where do you see yourself one whiskey, six beers, and ten tequila shots from now?"
The worst words you can say are, "If I had only..."
When someone talks to me, I gently put my finger over their lips and say "shhhhhhh".. in a caring tone of voice... and then slowly walk away
Depression: You should tweet that!
I haven't swam competitively since I was a sperm.
they asked me for drugs,
so I told them about your smile
I know it doesn't need to be said but that doesn't mean I don't need to say it...
I'm on this new diet plan called Nerves & Stress..You know?!
When you barely eat or drink anything!
I should see results before ya know it!
One day, you may erect a grand monument in admiration of her beauty. But for today, just pop in a Viagra and erect a statue...
Trust Times of India to write an article whose heading is something and content is something else... timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/hea…
F*ck the shit like it's nobody's biscuits...
Miyagi's wax on wax off...imagine doing that on a Victoria's Secret model... I'd sure train for hours.
Miyagi's wax on wax off...imagine doing that on a Victoria's Secret model... I'd sure train for hours. 😜
F*ck! No network!
SOS! I'm drowning...
is heading for either chaos or catastrophe. there are no other exits left...
Maybe someday you'll find happiness.Till then there's pizza.
Relationship status: no one gives a crap what my relationship status is... Sigh.
If I turn and twist and bend myself to unfathomable positions, I just might turn some of my old tweets into lyrics to some 90's hit or miss.