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We all need some secrets, as long as they don't kill us and keeps us safe and warm...
It doesn't have to be socks to go in sock drawers...
When temporary becomes permanent, it becomes a habit... #NewYearResolutionHangingByThread
The difference between you and I is when you lick stuff, it's sexy and possibly art. When I do the same, I'm an escaped convict gone mad..
i look forward to being frightened by you... ~ text from a blind nightmare date on elm street
Who needs oil, I ride the bus! Here's 10 cents on the possible Saudi Aramco IPO. bit.ly/1ZgnJrs
if you could choose one, would you rather be:
Cop stopped me and asked for my license & registration. I offered to shake his hands. We are both now wondering what's wrong with me.
I'd make an amazing super villain. Alas! All I lack is the secret liar and the billions of dollars at my disposal...
I don't know what you did to me but I know that I'm different now
Retweeted by ΞSP
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college A. Your B. Ur C. You're D. U're
Retweeted by ΞSP
No need to put "avi not me" in your bio. We know porn when we see it.
Retweeted by ΞSP
Kindly refrain from forwarding me inspirational quotes. All it inspires me is to stab you in the eye...
If you're suffering from midlife crisis, buying a Ferrari is the answer, not some cheap 'No more tears shampoo.'
Sean Penn farted in front of El Chapo. #MyHero
Not sure if adults buy Legos for themselves or their kids...
ever wondered if you can meow occasionally in an elevator? Well, here's a bored mind's guide to elevator etiquettes: bit.ly/1ZkEIOJ
Lost my mojo. Retracing my steps...brb.
The sound of raindrops hitting the window pane in the dark; the warmth of hot chai in the palms and the thought of you in my head. Mmm.
When twitter was 140 characters, it seemed like writing telegrams to strangers. With 10k, I might as well get me some penpals...
Embracing my ignorance...brb.
I miss the old happy me.
If everybody loved what they did, Donald Trump would not be on the podium yelling, "Make America great again..."
All a man ever wants is someone to say hello that will take all your worries away...
I'd like a Butler. Period.
Some tweets don't make an iota of sense and yet weird people retweet the shit out of it. Anyone know where I can find those arseholes?
It's horribly nice to make your acquaintance... twitter.com/elizasoul80/st…
I'd do anything for love, but I just won't share my phone password...
Life happened between birth and death. Now it's what happens between web surfing, taking food pics, pouting for selfies and stalking exes.
We're so close...not sure if you live in my phone or my heart...
It's weird how people with boobs make shoe contact before making an eye contact..
People have married to animals and trees and what not. I just want to be friends with someone who's married a pizza...
government departments sure do love making people queue. dating sites should take note. what best way to know someone when he's idling away.
The tyranny of 140 characters is soon to end on twitter. Finally, I can convey my blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah in technicolor...
I was in mood for a nice time out w/ a bottle of restaurant's finest. Then why in the name of pink elephant would you open a can of regrets?
All a man ever wants is a hug that feels louder than words...
Women go out and buy some expensive shoes to feel good about themselves. All men do is open a box of tissues and empty a bottle of lotion!
Snatch their iPhones and they'd go back to knitting, reading and watching tv... twitter.com/sammonaise/sta…
Dear 2016, please make me hot.
Retweeted by ΞSP
"Are you a breast man or a leg man?" "I go for personality." "Okay well that's not really an option here at KFC so I'll ask you again..."
Retweeted by ΞSP
Idk, call me old fashioned, but I preferred it when depression wasn't a competition.
Retweeted by ΞSP
I cried over spilled milk but in my defense it was organic milk and that is expensive
Retweeted by ΞSP
People say that patriotism is in their blood...and I salute you for this. However, I'm pretty sure there's no scientific test to prove this.
almost dying changes nothing. dying changes everything...
4 year old today showed me that if you jumble Santa, it becomes Satan. Finally figured out how Santa knew I was naughty all these years!
You should see me do stand-up comedy in shower. I'm a hoot.
If only life were as simple as this...
Practicing the art of miss you...brb.
Not every rider is a horseman and not every horseman a knight...

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