When you're ready come and get it. #nanana
I will shove my foot so far up your ass that my toes will poke out from between your teeth.
Time to pull my head out of my ass. #stubborn
Stressed as shit. Freaking the fuck out.
Sick. In bed. Torn between reading and sleeping... #dilemma
Someday I'll get over my stage fright.
My head is spinning. Emotional attachments have never been my forte.
First time inside of a church in over 4 years. Have yet to spontaneously combust. Miracle! (Burn the witch, burn the witch!)
The world is sick
So kiss me quick
My favorite position is when I'm on my stomach. The sensation against my thighs and the pressure against my ass are a huge turn on.
Dear Ironman Three,
You're doing it wrong. Where were the Mandarin's rings? Where was Osborne for Iron Patriot? Just no. Nonono.
Somebody please get me the fuck out of this shit hole...
Women are clearly the superior sex. Because we can orgasm multiple times without any sign of tiring out. #feminist
And then he's so wildly turned on by it that he uncontrollably fucks me senseless... #cavemanstyle #rough #voyeurism
I've always fantasized about having a guy walk in while I'm masterbating...
The Royals are in first place and it's snowing on May 2nd. Go back to bed. You're obviously dreaming.
Kansas weather is fucking bipolar. #hot #cold #sweat #snow
When your childhood sweetheart shows up on your porch at 11:00pm after 12 years and spends the night. And you keep all of your clothes on.
Boy: "I hear you give the best blowjobs in Johnson County."
Me: "....Just Johnson County?"
Oh my god. I just realized that I forgot my underwear at the Doctor's Office. #FML #Facepalm #Fuckfuckfuck
When your doctor tells you that your boyfriend is too well-endowed for you. ...Isn't that an oxymoron? #sex #cervicaltrauma
Since when can high school boys fuck like grown men? #horny #sex #baffled
Don't get drunk during a thunderstorm and play ghost games right before everyone else leaves you alone in your big empty house. #scared
My gay friend turns into a straight mouth rapist when he gets really drunk.
Drunkenly ordering pizza for the whole party at 1:00am. #wasted
Twerking is definitely considered exercise, right?
I don't know what the hell crawled up your cunt and died, but you need to go douche it out.
Here's a tampon for your pms.
Do you think it's possible to fuck on a motorcycle? You know, kinda like road head... Only better. #feelingreckless
Batman: the Animated Series (1992)
To whomever got into my Oreos and left only one.... Fuck you. Fuck you very much.
She's got tits up to her chin.
He made me wear pants at home. Because underwear and oversized shirts are apparently inappropriate amongst polite company.
Anne Rice wrote the only acceptable vampire series. Twilight: you're doing it wrong.
And then he fucked me sideways. Literally.
When your crush comes over and you're too faded to talk to them. #shit
Does anyone else ever feel like all of their problems would go away if they were to just strangle their manager?
Vicious, vivacious, violent, vain, and vulgar.
I think I need a shot (or eight) of vodka.
Bubble baths and bottles of wine. Caught red handed. oi46.tinypic.com/apiqdf.jpg
Today my [quite large] manager laid down on the floor on his back. All I could think was, "Poor little turtle. How are you going to get up?"
Do us all a favor: pull that stick out of your ass and go fuck yourself with it. #frigidbitch
I want to rape my coworker. #sexualharassment
Long legs, pretty smiles, and boys who smell good. <3 #yesplease #love #sex
Be afraid of the cold, they'll inherit your blood
Après moi le deluge, after me comes the flood
Lucky Cologne: (n.) liquid orgasm in a bottle.