Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome   firefox   ie   safari  
Elle Allio
comedy jokes lol 393 followers
I'm a witch (wiccan). No, I cannot brew Amortentia, speak parseltongue, or crucio people. But I do know arithmancy and herbology.
"@Rory_4eva: @ElleAllio you retweet like the best harry potter stuff ever." hahaha thank you. I go on occasional themed retweet binges.
Double chocolate no bake oatmeal cookies. Who wants lunch? pic.twitter.com/xbDhO66unE
My biochemistry professor looks like Ben Folds and made a Harry Potter reference. It's like white people heaven.
Retweeted by Elle Allio
Harry Potter fans: I wanna go to Hogwarts! Narnia fans: I wanna go to Narnia! Hunger Games fans: Nope I'm good...
Retweeted by Elle Allio
This is my ALS ice bucket challenge. Please be forewarned: this video contains nudity & an inflatable horse. youtube.com/watch?v=FUkKxP…
Retweeted by Elle Allio
Petition to have @SirPatStew do the ice bucket challenge - for which he was nominated - posed like this: pic.twitter.com/nDJOurTY0x
Retweeted by Elle Allio
To all of the new people I'm following, two words: Harry Potter. Warning: my posts are often crude, and contain excessive profanity.
It's a shame I can't slip a roofie into my toddler's sippy cup. I need a nap so bad right now.
Fuck it Two men in a bucket
I'd give anything to just not be in love with him anymore.
My kids won't sit down and watch the Little Mermaid and I don't understand what's wrong with their generation.
How soon is too soon to start rumors that my daughters have herpes? Is it third grade? Parenting is hard.
Retweeted by Elle Allio
I want to be the guy that got to come home from band camp with the story "you'll never believe what we saw this chic do with her flute"
Retweeted by Elle Allio
Made the decision that I'm done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Retweeted by Elle Allio
"Daddy, there's a mime under the bed!" That's ridiculous, why would you think that? "Listen!" *complete silence* OH DEAR GOD RUN
Retweeted by Elle Allio
Is it cool to slam a couple beers before church?
Retweeted by Elle Allio
Day 5 of explaining to my 3 year old why he can't drive a motorcycle in the bathtub and now I'm Googling quantum physics.
Retweeted by Elle Allio
It's Sunday. Facebook wants you to know that Jesus loves you. Twitter gives no fucks about Jesus but we got a dick so good format coming.
Retweeted by Elle Allio
My doctor actually informed me that I have CDO, which is like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order. As they should be.
In the last three weeks I've broken all of my addictions: cigarettes, sex, and quesaritos.
That’s the real trouble with the world. Too many people grow up. They forget. –Walt Disney
Retweeted by Elle Allio