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Elle Allio
comedy jokes lol 376 followers
I make new friends by walking around naked.
Retweeted by Elle Allio
My mom just came home and dropped off my sister. Where's mom? "She left for Iowa. She'll be home tomorrow." So apparently I'm babysitting.
Someone should open up a hookah bar in Colorado called the Gnome Zone, where the only light comes from black lights. And maybe a disco ball.
I'm house sitting for my mom this weekend. Her closet is a pharmacy and her fridge is a liquor store. Awesome lol
I wish everyone would stop calling Justin Bieber a dick because I love dicks.
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About the Kings armour: "It's made too small your grace, it won't go!" "Your mother was a dumb whore with a fat arse, did you know that!?"
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Tell you about my FEELINGS??? Uh no. I'll tweet them to several thousand strangers on the internet and you won't have a clue.
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I'd tell you to go to hell, but I don't ever want to see you again.
I'm officially being stalked by a super hot guy in a sports car. I'm between pissed off and flattered. Either fuck off or come talk to me 👌
Real talk time: guys, if your girlfriend dumped you and instead started dating a mega hot chick, how would you feel about it? Seriously.
I love the fact that my boyfriend answers my calls at 3am and unlocks the front door with a huge grin even though he has to be up in 2 hrs.
Spent my day moving a house by myself. Achy and exhausted. Time to hit the gym lol
I tell myself that if I just keep giving and giving, someday I'm going to find someone who will be there for me, too. It'll all be worth it.
My mom didn't know that you have to turn the car off when fueling. How are you not dead yet?
We paid $1,000 for this furniture and now she's too fucked up to help me get it.
The cat's going to get your tongue if you keep sticking it out at me and by cat I mean my pussy
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My mom is passed out on the couch with a bottle of booze, sleeping pills, amphetamines, and a joint.
The police just approached me for a paraphenelia report... I was making a cup of herbal tea. 😂😭
"@lonzo_webb: We are so doing this 👌�" someone throw one of these
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Of course it FINALLY accepted my headphones. AFTER my roomie pounded on the door. "TURN YOUR PORN DOWN YOU NYPHO SKANK." 😓
Sex is the cheat code to having a perfect day, everyday.
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Why won't the volume go down on my new phone? I just want to watch porn without my roommate complaining 😫😠
I'd look good in nothing but your dress shirt.
Retweeted by Elle Allio