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James Vallance
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Dear Optimist & Pessimist, while you were arguing over the glass of water; I drank it … Sincerely, the Opportunist.
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This Is What Happened When A Woman Told A Chimp She Had A Miscarriage… quickmeme.com/news/?p=3759 via @Socialcrat
When people say,"He's a nice person once you get to know him" They mean ,"He's a Wanker, but you'll get used to him."
When I factor in the bots, abandoned accounts, multiple account holders, and those who don't speak English, I have 14 followers.
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It's a little sad that people pander for recognition and public approval through social media. Retweet if you agree.
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You're Twitter famous. Cool, cool. I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
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If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
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Deja Moo, when you know you have heard this bullshit before.
nuclear waste is coming down is coming down on you you better watch out now you better watch out now
Im bringing sexy BACK
its ok not to be ok
Ga! I've been placed next to an old wise Japanese man at @YOSushi - chopstick pressure
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you just know a bitch is crazy if she smiles, when she is angry.
Not to brag but I've been single for a while & I have to say, it's going great like it's really working out I think I'm the one
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its Thursday, or as i like to call it, its, day 4 of the hostage situation.
a giraffes coffee would be cold by the time it got to the back of its throat! did you think of that! NO, because you only think of yourself!
And for my next trick, I'll turn this paycheck into a hangover.
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where there be Islam, there be death
Let me be frank, I DID IT MYYYYYYY WAAAAYYYYYY
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when i was tripping, i was thinking of you.
my stepdad's passion for wearing skinny jeans is tearing this family apart
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please pray for my cousin Antoni, there is nothing wrong with him, he is just ugly as hell.
my favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch, some peeps call it lunch.
You all complain about Facebook ... but where else can you see all of our collective thoughts stolen and put on memes by assholes.
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nothing says 'she keeps my balls in her purse'... quite like a joint facebook account.
I'll never be twitter elite & I'm ok with that. If I touch one person's heart, make them smile, laugh or feel special then I did it right.
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what's on your back? "a katana" what? "it's a japanese sword used...you know what *takes back résumé* I don't think I wanna work here"
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I have a date tomorrow night so I need to think about baby names.
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If I could have dinner with anyone from history, I'd choose Ghandi because he probably wouldn't eat much and I'm not made of money.
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Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
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Be careful out there today. There's people everywhere
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Anyone can hurt someone,that's easy. To be able to make someone feel good remember a moment, have an uncontrolled emotion is a greater power
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Social media is the perfect thing for those who want absolutely nothing to do with people.
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"Welcome to fightclub you may now kiss the bride."
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A banjo is just a guitar that fucks it's cousins.
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I put my potato chips INSIDE my sandwich. ...and now you know
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On bus: old woman staring at me smiles: Your tie reminds me of my late husband. He loved peacocks I left it on seat beside her as I exited
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I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.
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If I didn't talk to strangers, I would have never made any friends.
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If you love someone, let them nap.
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Tit pics ? Dick pics ? (yawn) Play me some music, tell me a secret , show me some soul.
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Not everyone deserves the absolute magic of your essence. Distribute accordingly.
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I've got the northern lights and the Arctic sea running through me. And for once, I refuse to ground out.
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