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James Vallance
funnytweets 200,778 followers
Spoiler alert: She always wants you to go after her. Always.
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If anyone tried to steal my identity I would just think "now it's their problem."
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If spiders ever realize that people are terrified of them, we're screwed.
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See that big yellow thing in the sky? Yeah, the world revolves around that. Not you.
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No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
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At the very highest level of karate, they give you pants that fit so you no longer need a belt.
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I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
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Note to self: Next time your migraine specialist asks "How's your head?" Don't reply with "No man has ever complained."
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Life is hard; and it's harder if you're stupid.
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Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
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Whenever people ask me why I don't have any tattoos I say to them, "Would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?"
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I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don’t know how much I want. They don’t know my life. They don’t know what I’ve been through
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I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
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If swimming is great exercise, explain whales to me
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Just so you know, I never run voluntarily, so if you ever see me running you should start running too because something is coming.
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We had Social Networks when we were kids too... it was called "outside".
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There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
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We exist in time, but we belong to eternity.
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Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a Brie.
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It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize, there is always a way to solve problems without using violence
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If I meet a guy and don't ruin his life do I have to hand in my woman card?
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Saw on the news tonight that someone had pick pocketed a midget today. How in the hell could someone stoop so low?
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From one fart, a blind person can tell the last time you've eaten at Olive Garden.
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Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.
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goodnight Moon "GOODNIGHT DAVE" *the Moon & I awkwardly walk in the same direction toward our cars*
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