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James Vallance
funnytweets 212,924 followers
Women just love boiling hot showers because it reminds them of Hell, where they come from..
@JamesCoolie Become our angel and retweet this message to help give kids a Christmas. bit.ly/12vOQrX
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Christian Rock Band Cloverton does Hallelujah wp.me/p4ViPz-N2 via @wordpressdotcom
This a cappella version of “Hallelujah” will leave you with chills | Rare po.st/kJuZbg via @Po_st
Justin Bieber is NOT a girl ! He is a Lady
they say i am 'over the hill' but i was too tired to even climb it.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window* "Extra toilet paper please" Do you mean napkins? "Sure, whatever"
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I just want to hold you... ...under water until the bubbles stop
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*leads a horse to water* *horse starts to pull a knife but my pistol is already pressed against his head* "Drink you piece of shit."
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instead of the John, i call my bathroom the Jim. it sounds better when i say i went to the Jim in the morning.
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
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Justin Bieber gets 40,000 retweets when he says "thanks" so here is my attempt. Thanks.
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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and make bad decisions.
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Marriage. When dating goes too far.
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*Crawls out from under your bed. "Did you get my text?"
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*gives date flowers* Here. I murdered these plants for you.
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we live on a planet that orbits a ball of fire next to a moon that moves our tides every day of our lives.,and you dont believe in miracles?
You had me at "I'm rich and dying"
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A punch in the mouth is a great way to change the subject.
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Tweets got stolen. *everyone looks at the new black guy following*
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I rear ended a car today, out jumped a dwarf who screamed "IM NOT HAPPY" then I said "then which one are you"
Guys! I've learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
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when i was born i was so mad with everybody that i didnt speak to them for 2 years
imagine me flirting. Wrong. More crying.
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The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
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Assassins are impressive. Its not the killing part that impresses me; its that they figured out a way to fit "ass" into the same word twice
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Im going on the Town tonite! and I got my black undies on!
a simple act of caring creates an endless ripple that comes back to you.
relationship status checking inside sandwiches before i eat them.
But enough about me. Let's talk about you and all the ways your life has been enriched by knowing me. I'll go first.
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Left work, txted wife "Coming homo." Then I txted her "Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo."
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When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say "Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima," & then start swearing in Japanese.
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Oooh, you skydive & bungee jump? Try paying a 30yr mortgage, work at a job you hate & live w/ creatures who eat your dreams, daredevil.
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Careful Where's your shoes Please stop crying Maybe eat something You dropped the bottle - things you say to babies & drunk girls
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I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it'll just be my turn.
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This is MY goddamn house, & if I want to smoke a joint outside, crouched down & hidden between the garage and the shed, I will fucking do so
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Stuff I think about when I jog: - my leg hurts - is that a cougar - 'coccyx' is a funny word & it hurts - this sucks - my heart feels funny
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just another manic Monday wish it were Sunday that's my gun day everybody run day driving over people in my Hyundai
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Stop the planet. I want to get off.
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I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up. "My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather," she said.
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A great woman knows how to keep it sexy even when she draws her pistol.
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Sad is for sympathy, mad is for change...
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I'm actually pretty awkward once you get to know me.
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My grocery list is just a piece of paper that says "snacks".
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It's like white guys stopped dancing after Grease.
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Nothing like being awoken suddenly by a blowjob... I gotta start sleeping with my mouth closed.
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I must be old school I like to have a conversation before I see your penis
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I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch and wear my pajamas.
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