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James Vallance
funnytweets 187,753 followers
Sarah McLachlan and Surprise Guest Perform "Angel" wp.me/p4ViPz-2p via @wordpressdotcom
i hate it after an argument, when i think of much more clever shit that i should have said.
Don't think I'm taking down my tweets just because they suck today! *whispers* Probably tonight when nobody is looking
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It's raining, let's drink It's freezing, let's drink It's snowing, let's drink It's SUNNY Let's drink outside -the British
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Single? Alone? 100% better than being with the wrong person
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fucking pedestrians - me driving fucking cars - me walking
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Panic attacks count as cardio right?
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*pirouettes into your life *breaks your favorite lamp
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How was I to know you were tying your shoelaces and not proposing?
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If he retweets me and his profile picture shows a smile. Is it too early to buy the wedding dress?
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Don't send me a dick pic. Send me a picture of you paying your bills.
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No means no! Unless she's dyslexic; then it's on!
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The hardest lessons are the ones where you didn't know you were the student
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Friendship is so weird. You just pick a human and you're like "yep, I like this one". Then you just do stuff with them.
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I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
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We covered our faces in Nutella and vegemite just so you would all have something to retweet for #vote5sos pic.twitter.com/HVEfffhe65
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The tooth fairy but for broken hearts and she leaves a cat under your pillow.
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My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.” Me:“But it’s the right kid?” Wife: “Yes.” Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
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"Do what you love." ~Rich people
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A month without gym? Why don't I just start buying size 20 clothes right now.
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My favorite part of boxing is when they stop to hug each other
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"Dude! What the fuck? No kissing!" - all of my MMA opponents
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it's business time how do i know it's business time it's thursday and thursday is business time
facebook has become like ancient Egypt, people write on walls, and worship cats.