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James Vallance
funnytweets 212,924 followers
my favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch, some peeps call it lunch.
You all complain about Facebook ... but where else can you see all of our collective thoughts stolen and put on memes by assholes.
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nothing says 'she keeps my balls in her purse'... quite like a joint facebook account.
I'll never be twitter elite & I'm ok with that. If I touch one person's heart, make them smile, laugh or feel special then I did it right.
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what's on your back? "a katana" what? "it's a japanese sword used...you know what *takes back résumé* I don't think I wanna work here"
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I have a date tomorrow night so I need to think about baby names.
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If I could have dinner with anyone from history, I'd choose Ghandi because he probably wouldn't eat much and I'm not made of money.
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Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
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Be careful out there today. There's people everywhere
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Anyone can hurt someone,that's easy. To be able to make someone feel good remember a moment, have an uncontrolled emotion is a greater power
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Social media is the perfect thing for those who want absolutely nothing to do with people.
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"Welcome to fightclub you may now kiss the bride."
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A banjo is just a guitar that fucks it's cousins.
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I put my potato chips INSIDE my sandwich. ...and now you know
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On bus: old woman staring at me smiles: Your tie reminds me of my late husband. He loved peacocks I left it on seat beside her as I exited
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I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.
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If I didn't talk to strangers, I would have never made any friends.
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If you love someone, let them nap.
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Tit pics ? Dick pics ? (yawn) Play me some music, tell me a secret , show me some soul.
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Not everyone deserves the absolute magic of your essence. Distribute accordingly.
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I've got the northern lights and the Arctic sea running through me. And for once, I refuse to ground out.
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I like the rare breeds. Big hearts and searching minds, people that hug like they mean it and kiss like it would kill them to do otherwise.
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Sharing your favorite songs can be more intimate than a kiss. Especially the ones that find a home in your blood.
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the real truth is that parents are not really interested in justice... they just want quiet.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Unless you're already dead then play something else like ghost chess.
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There's no need to bring up the past, I'll disappoint you in real time.
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If you watch COPS backwards it's just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
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In hell, women are even more right.
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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
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I truly admire people who can always give the honest answer... and not just the popular one.
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Relationship status: We both say fuck you as we pass in the hallway.
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People who don't have a sense of humor are my favorite forms of entertainment.
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I hate people who say 'Age is just a number' — Age is clearly a word.
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It's all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
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i will get by with a little help from my friends
Stop letting people who do so little for you, control so much of your mind, feelings, and emotions. Be cute and do you.
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If you smoke marijuana while you're pregnant your baby will come out as a full grown member of a Grateful Dead cover band.
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Giving up my job as a bodybuilder tomorrow by handing in my too weak notice
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I only want you miserable because I love you.
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If you want your entire family to know something, tell your mother.
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I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots cuz it's not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.
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Led Zeppelin's Robert Plant conquers Jimmy Fallon with two song performance -- watch wp.me/p7DTY-2eWV via @coslive
My favorite game to play with my daughter is the one where she runs around the house like a lunatic and I don't have to do anything
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The nicest thing about Canada is its over the counter codeine
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I still follow my dreams, but at a distance of 50 yards, by order of the court.
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