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James Vallance
funnytweets 212,924 followers
a giraffes coffee would be cold by the time it got to the back of its throat! did you think of that! NO, because you only think of yourself!
And for my next trick, I'll turn this paycheck into a hangover.
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where there be Islam, there be death
Let me be frank, I DID IT MYYYYYYY WAAAAYYYYYY
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when i was tripping, i was thinking of you.
my stepdad's passion for wearing skinny jeans is tearing this family apart
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please pray for my cousin Antoni, there is nothing wrong with him, he is just ugly as hell.
my favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch, some peeps call it lunch.
You all complain about Facebook ... but where else can you see all of our collective thoughts stolen and put on memes by assholes.
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nothing says 'she keeps my balls in her purse'... quite like a joint facebook account.
I'll never be twitter elite & I'm ok with that. If I touch one person's heart, make them smile, laugh or feel special then I did it right.
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what's on your back? "a katana" what? "it's a japanese sword used...you know what *takes back résumé* I don't think I wanna work here"
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I have a date tomorrow night so I need to think about baby names.
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If I could have dinner with anyone from history, I'd choose Ghandi because he probably wouldn't eat much and I'm not made of money.
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Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
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Be careful out there today. There's people everywhere
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Anyone can hurt someone,that's easy. To be able to make someone feel good remember a moment, have an uncontrolled emotion is a greater power
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Social media is the perfect thing for those who want absolutely nothing to do with people.
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"Welcome to fightclub you may now kiss the bride."
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A banjo is just a guitar that fucks it's cousins.
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I put my potato chips INSIDE my sandwich. ...and now you know
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On bus: old woman staring at me smiles: Your tie reminds me of my late husband. He loved peacocks I left it on seat beside her as I exited
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I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.
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If I didn't talk to strangers, I would have never made any friends.
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If you love someone, let them nap.
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Tit pics ? Dick pics ? (yawn) Play me some music, tell me a secret , show me some soul.
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Not everyone deserves the absolute magic of your essence. Distribute accordingly.
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I've got the northern lights and the Arctic sea running through me. And for once, I refuse to ground out.
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I like the rare breeds. Big hearts and searching minds, people that hug like they mean it and kiss like it would kill them to do otherwise.
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Sharing your favorite songs can be more intimate than a kiss. Especially the ones that find a home in your blood.
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the real truth is that parents are not really interested in justice... they just want quiet.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Unless you're already dead then play something else like ghost chess.
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There's no need to bring up the past, I'll disappoint you in real time.
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If you watch COPS backwards it's just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
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In hell, women are even more right.
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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
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I truly admire people who can always give the honest answer... and not just the popular one.
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Relationship status: We both say fuck you as we pass in the hallway.
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People who don't have a sense of humor are my favorite forms of entertainment.
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I hate people who say 'Age is just a number' — Age is clearly a word.
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It's all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
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i will get by with a little help from my friends
Stop letting people who do so little for you, control so much of your mind, feelings, and emotions. Be cute and do you.
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If you smoke marijuana while you're pregnant your baby will come out as a full grown member of a Grateful Dead cover band.
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