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James Vallance
funnytweets 187,887 followers
I am wife material. I don't know why I thought that I wasn't worthy of marriage.
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I have a lot of hidden talents. I can play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" with my nose. lol
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Have you guys ever really wondered what cars moving in reverse means? Here's the answer. They're moonwalking in car form. You're welcome.
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Dancing helps protect you against heart disease and also prevents high blood pressure.
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If someone shows you their true colours don't try to repaint them.
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Where is there a fucking sharp knife when you need one.. Everybody runs...
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Boss: Late again, are we? Me: Yes, I hope I’m not pregnant!
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You can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
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Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you
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You want to see a perfect relationship? Watch a movie..”
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And once in awhile you meet a person who actually means everything they say.
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If your lawyer has a ponytail, you're going to jail
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The price of laundry detergent is why I can't have nice things.
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Everyone thinks you're funny until you unfollow them
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meanwhile in the background, the earth quietly rotates on its axis and continues its orbit around the sun.
seriously, i don't know exactly when the UFO came and dumped all those stupid people. but apparently they are not coming back.
Missing in Spain. Irish national Amy Fitzpatrick (15) disappeared from Mijas, Costa del Sol, on New Years Day 2008. pic.twitter.com/fOROu1ge3u
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wow just got back from the future it's gonna rain!
The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny, & nobody else thinks they're jokes.
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It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
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I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.
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When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.
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Boy at FBI headquarters saw pictures of 10 most wanted men & said, "Why didn't you keep them when you took their picture?"
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