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Dear old guy driving a little white BMW, your youth isn't coming back - please stop at stop signs before you hurt someone.
Every time someone is cruel, I obsess over creating greatness to counter the ugly (& there is no shortage of inspiration on the East Coast).
Backed Up To The Future #RuinAMovieWithPoop
How To Housebreak Your Dragon #RuinAMovieWithPoop
Forrest Dump (1994) - #RuinAMovieWithPoop
Starship Poopers (1997) - #RuinAMovieWithPoop
Line Of Doodie" (2013) #RuinAMovieWithPoop
Sometimes I'll just stare at the blinking cursor and imagine I'm about to write something brilliant. Then I'll remember I'm on Twitter.
Note to self: while in Target, don't give phone number to a desperate makeup hustler who has no affiliation with Target. #MidwesternerKind
Leaving my little bubble in front of the space heater to get another cup-a joe before I start tapping 'zzz's on the keyboard. #AllergyMeds
Using parental controls so my mom doesn't download crap that'll eff-up my computer. Glad she's in town though, could really use the help.
Just when you think you're completely alone, remember that somewhere out there, some old lady really loves you (your mother).
I thought "manspread" was something you put on a bagel. No, it's definitely not something I'd want on my bagel.
Still working on this. Don't be shy - have a look-see!… #horror
Salt N' Pepper, you gals still rock my world... er, rap my world? #SuperBowl
Parents: teach your kids not to litter - or they'll eventually get eaten by that bear following a trash trail. #TheMoreYouKnow
Because there's nothin' funnier than a pile of babies.
Going to a "play date" for babies under a year. I'm guessing we'll be putting the babies in a pile so we can enjoy our mixed drinks.
"Open a leaf to let the balls out!" - clearly, someone did not think through the dialogue for this children's toy.
Shout-out to those who like 1970's modern art. You remember those days when the word "modern" meant nobody had done it before?
Painting backgrounds for this animation is like riding a horse - afterward your butt hurts, but it was still fun.
Grandma: "What? The president is in a dress?"
Thoughts look better on paper when you sketch them out.
Follow your dreams. Or, if you don't have any at the moment, you could follow MLK's awesome dream. Happy #MartinLutherKingDay
Hope our baby grows up to solve wars & bring word peace... but not in a beauty pageant sort of way - those dames can barely solve for "X".
Abracadabra, I will now pull a doughnut out of your ear.
See your name at the end credits of a #HorrorComedyMovie for only $10! Support #IndieFilmMakers, go to:…
Like #Comedy and #Horror all in the same movie? Support indie artists & actors in "Wait, Wait, Don't Kill Me!"…
Have a look at I'm doing some work for them nice folks at @wwdkmfilm. #Horror #comedy #movietwit
Yea, we're doing all our drinking now. #NewYearsEve #HappyNewYear #Parenthood
Sure, eat anything you want (yarn, knives, those little plastic sword-shaped toothpicks). Just don't sell it to kids as food. #TransFats
"Bacon: so delicious it's banned by two major religions." - #HusbandQuotes
"Go, go, gadget boobs!" - what I'm thinking every time the baby cries while I'm driving. #motherhood
The days of finding old family pics in a box in the basement are over. Enter the days of discovering a dusty, unmarked flash drive.
The "F" word never fails to make a stubbed toe feel better.
You can't enlighten someone by blowing a horn at them... or, maybe you can on the #EastCoast. #EastCoastDrivers
Drink the baby, burp the beer... I could use more sleep. #parenting
Hope Amazon diapers are gluten free - in fact, some babies eat their diapers:…
#SketchOfTheDay - well, actually, this one is from yesterday when I was too busy to post it...…
Taking note on how my name fits neatly into the word 'excellent'.
"Vegetarians are only 3 beers away from eating a meatball." - Favorite quote of the evening #FriendQuotes
The great and powerful baby has spoken. All hail the baby! #parenthood
R.I.P., Tom Magliozzi