There is no more Eggnog!? I'm reporting you all! #Christmas #FiveWordTechHorrors
I always thought directioneers were like Mouseketeers, only with fewer rodent ears and a better sense of direction.
Agreed to attend 2 events tonight at the same time - if anyone has a cloner or teleportation machine they're not using, this could work!
Did I just see one black lady tell another black lady to 'go back to her own country'? #OnlyInAmerica
I have opposable thumbs...In your FACE, Daleks! #DrWho
Lesson of the day: never wipe the glue off on the seat of your pants - you'll regret it after lunch break.
You CAN purchase happiness, and those who tell you otherwise never tasted bacon. #ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion
Give me a hundred dollar bill. #GivingTuesday
I saw #AmexShopRunner
and I was like: 'YAY running is trending!'...but, no. #HashTagFail
Can't wait for those Amazon Drones because when I need a 20 pack of fake eyelashes, I need them ASAP! #CyberMonday #FirstWorldProblems
If you wear a plaid table cloth on your head, you'll never have to remember to bring one to the picnic!
Hold your phone in the wrong place and you 'like' something you didn't intend to... sh**
I am Genius-Woman, hear me think!
Get functional apps for Microsoft Surface RT in 2 easy steps! Step1: return Surface for a refund. Step2: purchase different device. Easy!
No, brain, an 80's and 90's mix of music is NOT useful information.
The enthusiasm has been safely contained and disposed of - you are now free to explore the dome of madness.
In Soviet Russia, TV watch you!... Reason: LG Admits Smart TVs Spied on Users. google.com/producer/s/CBI…
Dear person on the train with the blazingly loud headphones: the thought that you'll go deaf quickly makes me smile. Thanks.
That tune of ice-cream and popsicles - we all dream of forgetting its voice... youtube.com/watch?v=e25BH0…
! Glorious day! And goodnight to all.
"To The Lit House" (by Virginia Woolf) #StonerNovels
Nineteen Eighty-Four-Twenty #StonerNovels
Did George Zimmerman's mom never tell him to "put that thing away"!?
are trending just in time for me to shamelessly promote my bacon wrapping paper! zazzle.com/christmas_with…
Did I say "manning" the table? I meant 'womanning' the table - just as effective with more style and finesse.
Volunteerism is for chumps, and that's why I spent all day manning the water table at the Philadelhpia Marathon. *exhausted chump*
Just designed the next big Bacon Tie - come git some zazzle.com/plaid_bacon-15…
Next-episode-auto-play wasn't horrible enough, so Netflix found a whole new way to suck by removing actor/director names from video info.
Been using power tools all day & only spilled blood while using scissors to open that stupid hard-plastic packaging. #life #win
100% recycled paper is packaged in non recyclable plastic? *Raises eyebrow and glares at #Staples
Got this impression - if you're broke, Republicans rush to the judgement that you're lazy & not working hard enough. #Obamacare #Life
Might as well shoot both feet for the sake of balance.
Thank you, United States Vets for your sacrifices. We would not have the most basic of human rights without you #Freedom #VeteransDay
Looking for a scary clown to dance around the perimeter of our home all night long (serious inquiries only).
Here's the thing... if it doesn't have a little red line beneath it, I just presume it's spelled correctly. #TheFutureCharlie #EMAzing
Looking for someone who can dig a 45 foot hole in our basement...serious inquiries only.
Having a bad day. The thought that you're all doomed is the only one that comforts.
Had a dream I was making comic books for a horror film studio stationed in a horse barn. Hoping this one will be realized someday.
Anyone have an app that can auto-compare candidates for general elections? I'm thinking about becoming an app developer just for that!
Like fish on bicycles? I retrieved one my older works from a restaurant to get a better photo of it... ellemrcs.deviantart.com/art/Chicago-Ca…
I understand wanting to take vengeance on those who sexually molested you, but shooting at the TSA is generally frowned upon #LAXShooting
The train I was on lost power and everyone had to wait for another one...I'll be investing some stock in Teleportation!
Find your happy place... Bacon! zazzle.com/favorite_bacon… #bacon