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Dick Hurtz

33,472 followers
LA proposes taxing pot to fund housing for homeless. Homeless are proposing legalizing, taxing crack to fund filthy crack dens for homeless.
A woman is planning £20K wedding ceremony for her dog. She would've saved the money for her own wedding but clearly has no man in her life.
Ohio woman says @pizzahut employee shamed her for breastfeeding. Only thing harder to digest than the shame was the garlic knot pizza crust.
A museum dedicated to the Olsen twins is opening in Brooklyn. It features photos, Full House memorabilia, and a recent restraining order.
San Francisco mayor has banned city-related travel to North Carolina over anti-LGBT law. NC has banned travel to SF because too many homos.
Black box reveals #4U9525 co-pilot intentionally crashed Airbus A320, killing 150. Recording incl. pax cries over @zaynmalik's 1D departure.
Utah woman suing herself for wrongful kill of husband in car crash. Also seeks to recover legal costs, $59.98 in @LegalZoom membership fees.
Woman arrested for DWI at @Walmart parking lot, driving drunk on vanilla extract. @TLC, @AETV in bidding war to sign her for a reality show.
Seattle comedian suffered skull fracture after attack by open micer with metal bat. Attacker describes himself as edgier, funnier @Galagrrr.
Kim Jong-un's sister got married to the son of North Korean senior party official. As a wedding gift, Kim executed all of her ex-boyfriends.
#ISIS trying to recruit doctors and engineers. Targeting educated crowd to develop more sophisticated ways of beheading women and children.
A Wyoming man was shot by a dog who was jumping around a loaded rifle. The dog was put up for adoption but has been rescued by @TedNugent.
A giant 4.16-pound white truffle from Italy sold for over $61,000 at auction. @Oprah described it as a delicious and sensible midday snack.
Plastic surgeon has created "vacation breasts" lasting 3 wks. Like staying at @FourSeasons and returning home to half-deflated air mattress.
In recent @nytimes interview, @GovChristie said he takes vitamins to stay healthy. His favorite way to eat them is as sprinkles on cupcakes.
Pro-democracy protestors in Hong Kong under attack from police & pro-govt gangs. As reported in a Chinese newspaper, nothing happened here.
India Prime Minister @narendramodi received rock-star reception @TheGarden. Only 1 thing got bigger applause when he brought a cow on stage.
The FAA approved the use of drones for film & tv. Old schoolers insist nothing will beat traditional method of strapping @GoPro to a pigeon.
Gene Simmons said depressed people should kill themselves. Now available from @KISSOnline: KISS branded wrist cutters and suffocation bags.
2 Juggalos forcibly carved up & burned roommate's arm to remove his @icp tattoo. They were afraid he was going to give Juggalos a bad name.
Several prominent AIDS researchers aboard @MAS flight shot down in Ukraine. @RealAlexJones claims false flag orchestrated by pro-AIDS lobby.
China banned @BigBang_CBS internet stream for harmful content. Govt wants to squash misleading, unrealistic hope of nerds dating hot chicks.
382 babies were rescued from human trafficking bust in China. Fallout has prompted major outrage over cancelled Chinese baby @Groupon deal.
Chinese gov't gave only $100,000 to Philippines for Typhoon Haiyan aid. To avoid looking bad, they threw in get well card and ramen noodles.
Federal court reinstated most of Texas' abortion restrictions. Some clinics trying to circumvent law by offering $400 deep vaginal cleaning.
Conrad Murray was released from jail. Hired publicist to rebrand image and change moniker from Michael Jackson's Doctor to Pedophile Killer.
ND woman to hand out shaming letter instead of candy to fat kids on Halloween. Kids plan to read while taking a massive dump on her porch.
Teenage girl at @VictoriasSecret was found carrying dead fetus in bag. Was going for in-store promotion of bring in dead fetus, get 20% off.
16-year-old @Malala Yousafzai released memoir detailing surviving gunshot to head by Taliban. Dedicated book to her idol @realjknoxville.
New dating app @twineapp matches users without showing photos. It's perfect if you're looking for ugly people with a lot of time to waste.
Ex-teacher freed after only 30 days jail for raping 14-year-old girl. @NationalNOW appalled by # of Favs this headline received on @Favstar.
Homeless man received over $100K in donations after turning in $42K he found. Now has tricked out shopping cart with gold rims & hydraulics.
Girls Gone Wild creator @RealJoeFrancis sentenced for assaulting a woman. Judge added jail time when he tried to get her to remove her robe.
Linda Ronstadt revealed she has Parkinson's. Tragically the disease has robbed her greatest pleasures, singing and putting butter on things.
A woman gave birth in a Nevada @SUBWAY restaurant. Then she handed placenta to sandwich artist and asked to bake it into her Cold Cut Combo.
23 children in India died from eating a free school lunch. The school’s cook has been ordered to reduce the amount of feces in her recipes.
I got banned from taking classes at @SecondCityLA. They said if I want to learn bland, restrictive comedy I have to go to the @groundlings.
Study shows people think they are more attractive than they really are. @amandabynes was hired to personally deliver the news to everybody.
In Iowa, 32 mentally disabled workers got $240 million in discrimination lawsuit. Group pooled winnings and bought fleet of invisible jets.
New policy allows Saudi Arabian girls to play sports in private schools. 1st approved sport is dodging giant rocks thrown by a mob of men.
@dickhurtz @MittRomney @NickelodeonTV @tomgreenlive Are you the same Big Dick Hurtz that was part of our organization in the 90's?
Retweeted by Dick Hurtz
Take a joke writing class with @DougKaro at @iOWest. He's in the Guiness Book of Records: Most @kirstiealley fat jokes. ioimprov.com/west/classes/r…
@dickhurtz If we use the Internet less, what should we do more? Using the Internet is less sinful than murdering people.
Retweeted by Dick Hurtz
Pope Benedict XVI said people should use the internet less. He's hoping to top his last campaign: people should use their genitals less.
@dickhurtz Which part is the joke? Is the whole thing the joke? My brother told me that the first time K J-I bowled, he bowled a 300.
Retweeted by Dick Hurtz
School kids in N. Korea were taught that Kim Jong-Il didn't urinate or defecate. They also learned that all S. Koreans have hemorrhoids.
Some high school sex ed courses are going to include bestiality. After receiving complaints, they agreed to give equal time to necrophilia.
@dickhurtz @BarackObama @shakira If true,poor choice.There are bright educators in LatAm who need not be insulted with a Shakira charade.
Retweeted by Dick Hurtz
On @DancingABC, @NancyGraceHLN accidentally exposed her right breast. Not to be outdone, @ChazBono pulled out a ziplock bag and showed his.
 
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