Love that these are an "add-on" item. Save on shipping as you taunt your jingling fuck-slave! tinyurl.com/kam5dew
Got into the shower without realizing I was still wearing socks and a bra. This is why I shouldn't direct.
Would my double chin be sexier if I added a small nipple to it?
I bet the ghost of Mrs. Von Trapp liked the Baroness better.
I love awards season! #AVNs @avnawards
All the hot, floppy-haired guys named Chad and Zack are dads now.
The hardest part of Mondays is getting all the Brazilian prostitutes out of my room.
It means nothing. I'm so alone. "@tweedleV
you still have an Oscar though.
On Nov. 20, Diablo Cody compared Kendall Jenner to New Coke and got hardly any faves. Fuck this shit.
Doing an AMNLE! (Ask Me Nothing, Like Ever.)
Sooo good. "@vulture
Joe Jonas: My life as a Jonas Brother vult.re/1anZMoe
Long ago, some genius said, "Hey ladies, let's use these hot tongs to burn our hair into curly shapes!"
And if you need six-second screenwriting advice, turn to @briankoppelman
OMG, is it my birthday? RT @vulture
Slaps, lies and videotape: Irene's true story of 1998's The Real World: Seattle. vult.re/1jsVG35
I got to 5'9 eating pizza and Lik-m-Aid, so there's no reason to force your kids to eat vegetables.
50 yrs ago, JFK was assassinated. They said, "America has lost its innocence." This provided a big laugh for blacks and Native Americans.
Loving him was like driving a used Kia Sportage down a dead-end street.
My movie "Paradise" is now at @redbox
if you haven't seen it yet. REDD'N THE BOX! bit.ly/1gaOdXA
People who say they want 5 kids haven't had their first one yet.
I'm writing a horror movie about someone who falls in love & later discovers their partner has those comedy/tragedy masks on a sweatshirt.
"Writer Hospitalized After Punching Hand Mirror She Was Squatting Over."
Th P&P ads on Craigslist are all, "I don't do this very often!" Like bottoming for coke at 10 AM is just a fun activity for the day.
Bangs seem a lot less cute when you call them pimple-curtains.
today! Love 'em. Listen here: earwolf.com
It's so cute how when I was a kid, I didn't realize these two were obviously fucking: youtube.com/watch?v=K6SWN3…
I remember nothing about my child's school calendar, but can still sing entire Carnival Cruise jingle from 1988.
If you still haven't seen PARADISE & you have feelings, we're on DVD tomorrow (11/12) & Redbox 11/19. U can also still stream, just sayin'!
(I don't really have O.D.D., but it's a great excuse to be awful and day-drink.)
Guys, I have Oppositional Defiant Disorder. If u say something's "required" viewing/reading, I'm just gonna stomp around & make fart noises.
Of course everyone is cutting their hair off as I'm growing mine out. I also just discovered Juicy sweatpants.
If you want some great advice about the industry (not from me, obvs!) @TheReelAnderson
is going off right now...
This was the best era for the Beach Boys! IDGAF what anyone says! #Carl #SoTough youtube.com/watch?v=rjhHB4…
I hope Nicki Minaj's next fragrance is called "Did It On 'Em."
1932, Photograph of an unknown man during the Depression. pic.twitter.com/vIbsF8IT5X
Billboards for "The Best Man Holiday" are making me feel super unattractive.
I just need 4 more people to learn all of the Temptations' choreography with me.
Anyone else working at home, not having any Halloween fun? Just me?
I got a copy of @robdelaney
's new book! Total one-handed read for later. I'm going to eat a plum with the other hand.
GET IT, GIRL. @kellyoxford @Deadline
Fox Buys Retirement Home Comedy From Twitter Writer Kelly Oxford dlvr.it/4CBkFN
You know you're from Chicago when you still absently mention that you need to go to Osco.