Ah, an appropriate bottle at last pic.twitter.com/0BWaAgNTwr
Misery might 'like' company, but it loves the shit out of Facebook.
Intelligence is knowing how stupid you are.
Someone definitely stole a few hours out of this weekend. There's no way it went that quickly on its own.
Come on, who did it?
I'm guessing it's no coincidence that twitter rhymes with bitter
Had a pizza.
Didn't eat for 20 hours.
Had two chicken burgers & two portions of chips.
Am I doing this healthy balanced diet thing right?
I haven't been validated in the last few minutes. Love me.
If I had a pet cat, I can be 99.8% positive that its name would be Mr. Meowgi.
The fact that christian black metal is a real thing is proof that god has a sense of humor and also doesn't exist.
Bacon. I want all the bacon.
Thanks for the TL love dude @chopper4jk
, 69 Favs! Your tweet has been favorited by 69 people. favstar.fm/t/322463275864…
What doesn't kill you, Only makes you stranger.
Am I the only one who thought that if you ordered off the a la carte menu it would turn up on a trolley?
There's something slightly unnerving about an alcohol free weekend
"I'm bisexual" aka "I kissed my best friend once and noticed boys like it so I now pretend to be a 24 hour cunt muncher for attention."
I think people should start adding carnivore to their bio, like vegetarians do. That way we're all clear on everyone's daily meal plan.
It's ridiculous how much I can look forward to doing absolutely nothing
I've been properly spoilt. I'm loving this fake birthday lark
I need to stop smiling to myself while I'm reading my phone. Definitely look like a crazy person
"Sorry aboot that!"
— Canadian bumper cars.
Celebrating my birthday early with the family before they leave the country pic.twitter.com/t9O050iwdH
I've spent the whole afternoon working out*, I think I'm entitled to a massive dinner and a beer.
*playing Wii Sports
If you say “old sport” three times in front of your mirror, Gatsby will appear and awkwardly hit on your wife
Friday daytime is the striptease of the weekend... So close, but still so far
You're welcome lovely. Glad to have you back on here! #FF @Poisoned_Sanity
Don't believe everything you think...
If you ever ask me,"Is it to early to get a drink?", we cant be friends!
Anyone ever sit on the toilet backwards, and put your laptop on the tank cover? Asking for a friend . . .
Friday is my second favourite F word
Is twitter somekind of online mental hospital?
An astronaut squirrel, a snail that meows, crab with a whale as a daughter. Dear creators of spongebob, pass the drugs.
Really starting to think I need a Wallace & Gromit style contraption to get me out of bed each morning
Ahoy, Captain Bubblebeard 'ere pic.twitter.com/HsgDwzzFmi
's Snapchat videos leaves me torn between thinking he should be committed or given his own TV show
Football in a hailstorm. Great idea.
I'm a fucking ice cube. Better add some JD
A man that believes women are beneath him, rarely gets a woman underneath him
I wish I could put my whole fucking house in the washing machine.
I hate it when my coworkers catch me taking pictures of myself and don't even want to see how they turned out.
You can never overdose on music...
you're worth the trouble.
Apparently, "fuck off, I'm hungover" isn't an appropriate way to answer the phone at work.
"You smell like beer"
has gone now. I'm all alone. I don't like it. #needy
Giving full blame for how awful I feel this morning to @panyhodge
.Never playing out on a school night again