I need to stop smiling to myself while I'm reading my phone. Definitely look like a crazy person
"Sorry aboot that!"
— Canadian bumper cars.
Celebrating my birthday early with the family before they leave the country pic.twitter.com/t9O050iwdH
I've spent the whole afternoon working out*, I think I'm entitled to a massive dinner and a beer.
*playing Wii Sports
If you say “old sport” three times in front of your mirror, Gatsby will appear and awkwardly hit on your wife
Friday daytime is the striptease of the weekend... So close, but still so far
You're welcome lovely. Glad to have you back on here! #FF @Poisoned_Sanity
Don't believe everything you think...
If you ever ask me,"Is it to early to get a drink?", we cant be friends!
Anyone ever sit on the toilet backwards, and put your laptop on the tank cover? Asking for a friend . . .
Friday is my second favourite F word
Is twitter somekind of online mental hospital?
An astronaut squirrel, a snail that meows, crab with a whale as a daughter. Dear creators of spongebob, pass the drugs.
Really starting to think I need a Wallace & Gromit style contraption to get me out of bed each morning
Ahoy, Captain Bubblebeard 'ere pic.twitter.com/HsgDwzzFmi
's Snapchat videos leaves me torn between thinking he should be committed or given his own TV show
Football in a hailstorm. Great idea.
I'm a fucking ice cube. Better add some JD
A man that believes women are beneath him, rarely gets a woman underneath him
I wish I could put my whole fucking house in the washing machine.
I hate it when my coworkers catch me taking pictures of myself and don't even want to see how they turned out.
You can never overdose on music...
you're worth the trouble.
Apparently, "fuck off, I'm hungover" isn't an appropriate way to answer the phone at work.
"You smell like beer"
has gone now. I'm all alone. I don't like it. #needy
Giving full blame for how awful I feel this morning to @panyhodge
.Never playing out on a school night again
I'm a positive person but I'm not a 'posting inspirational quotes on Facebook' positive person
Mum's decided that because my entire family will be abroad for my birthday I get to have an extra one before they go
Wow. I've been living in Liverpool a year today. That's gone crazy fast
Time is not on my side. I need more time. BERNARD, WHERE BE YOUR WATCH?!
Anyone that says 'money can't buy happiness' has a seriously rubbish imagination
All horoscopes should just say, "Get your shit together."
I've watched so many @ProfBrianCox
shows this week I feel like he's my physics teacher
If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
Starting to get a little excited for my birthday/bank holiday weekend. Maybe turning 24 will be alright!
"One ticket to Farhampton"
I'VE SEEN THE MOTHER!
My neighbour is currently playing The Strokes pretty loud.
Is it okay to go over there and tell them it's not loud enough?
It's a Channel Orange morning
Has this been confirmed?! RT @luv70s
yes they are coming back for season 9 in Sept! #HIMYM
Mind status: force shut down
Barney just said season finale NOT ultimate finale!
Could this mean another season? #himym
Season Finale tonight! Gonna be legen-- uh... crap... been 8 years, the mind's starting to go.. uhh let's go with --tastic. LEGENTASTIC.
A bed redolent of her is no substitute for a bed harbouring her
Adult Beliebers: Just stop.
It's almost midnight and one of my neighbours is blasting out Tina Turner.
I'm not sure what type of person that makes them but I'm scared
Struggling to see why anyone is shocked by Mancini's sacking. City are in the same bracket as Chelsea. Lots of cash, no class
Bags of respect for Ser Jaime in that last episode, such a display of honour deserves a handshake.