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Pro tip! When at a job interview and you look around and there's nothing worth stealing; you don't want to work there.
You know you are drunk when you try to kiss Rihanna’s forehead and miss.
Next time your sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven’t picked one out yet!" It's worth it.
How people have the nerve to say "good morning" when they can clearly see that I'm not on a beach with a beer is why I hate people
How do the BBC expect me to get up for work on time when they put the football on at 11pm?
Sat eating dinner and Dad asks what it is, I reply 'chicken balls' to which he remarks "must've been a bloody big chicken!"
Maturity 0 Dad 1
Some people completely miss the point of gift giving. It's not about extravagance, it's about giving something that makes someone happy
A bottle of rum, a Chinese and the Lethal Weapon boxset. The ol' man has got this Father's Day business pretty sorted if you ask me
I have minions!! Courtesy of the bird, she did well
pic.twitter.com/Muo5hFkejA @GuinnessTweets so you then take another loan to pay off the last one and the interest rises/hangover gets even worse the next day.
Being drunk is like taking a payday loan of fun and the hangover is the 19204289% interest you have to pay
My Top 3
#lastfm Artists: City and Colour (14), Vampire Weekend (12) & Alexisonfire (2)
bit.ly/rTUacE So yeah, went on Smiler - the new ride at
@altontowers - and it was incredible.. Apart from losing my iPhone halfway round. :(
#notasmiler Top10: The Coolest Projects On Kickstarter This Month:
The summer mont...
bit.ly/18HHfs3 #link My family get me drinking more than my friends do. Peer pressure? Try parental pressure!
Quick everyone, look: food! I'm eating food!!
pic.twitter.com/Q5wRPfTQ6b Two situations I try to avoid:
1. Being drunk around sober people.
2. Being sober around drunk people.
The ol' dear has got a steak in for me to have after football. Being spoilt like this is her way of thanking me for not visiting too often
My phone just wants to watch the world burn..
pic.twitter.com/tnRT8KGoPs 
It's time to Join Us - The Smiler is NOW OPEN
#TheSmiler pic.twitter.com/Nde7C3vSKV I love you like a fat girl loves to remind us Marilyn Monroe was a size 12.
I only ever learned a couple karate moves, so you could say I know partial arts.
Recently found out BFF doesn't even stand for Best Fucking Friend.
People are lame.
I made it two days into eating healthily before the pizza got me.
There's no escaping its cheesy clutches
Pinky promises mean a lot
Feeling dangerously close to a Haribo induced chunder.
I'm so good at being an adult
This lady in traffic giving me funny looks clearly doesn't realise I'm the king of car-aoke
Why does natural yogurt taste so unnatural?
Wait, so you're telling me that being a dickhead is a bad thing?
Tuesday is cancelled, due to lack of interest.
My bed smells like perfection
I'm going to bed before I do any more damage.
Just knocked half the living room over and smashed myself in the face with a speaker, giving myself a nosebleed.
Twat.
Does daydreaming all morning count as being productive?
She doesn't understand how I could possibly think she is a perfect beauty. I can't fathom how I could possibly think any different.
I be in need of a ship and a crew..
i'm a pervert, but in a romantic way
"My diet starts tomorrow"
*eats KFC at 11:45pm*
Little warning: eating a cheese sandwich and watching The Mighty Boosh before you go to sleep is a sure fire way to fuck up your dreams
It's only fair, I called dibs on Vince. The bird wanted Naboo. The rest are up for grabs. Oh, except Tony Harrison - he's my new paperweight
Spent the last 5 nights going to bed watching The Mighty Boosh so me and
@noelfielding11 are basically seeing each other now
Dear Henry Ford,
Great job on the car and all but why ruin things with this 5 day working week bullshit?
Prick.
I wish weekends didn't have to end
The world would be a better place if everything tasted like $5 shakes
On Facebook you tell friends your night was amazing! On Twitter you tell strangers what REALLY happened and why you're now afraid of ducks
You know things are bad when it's only Friday night and you're already dreading Monday morning
True Blood is back in a couple of weeks, I couldn't even begin to describe how excited I am using 140 characters or less..