Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome   firefox   ie   safari  
Want to get more twitter followers? Click here to watch our video.
Dane Cook
comedian comedy live music 3,034,882 followers
When the voices in your head go to sleep but you're still up that's a bummer.
This is how I get out of bed everyday. #BopBozeDeBozeDeBopSeDeBop
When I'm in a pool I splash. If you don't like it don't fuckin' swim near me.
I believe in the power of closed.
When someone keeps their word it's like fucking bizarre.
Look at your #RecentlyUsed emoji. If most are crazy faces you're psycho. Food you're overweight. Gun, pill or poop you need therapy.
It's nice to be kinda appreciated sorta.
Harmful- 2003 Retaliation- 2005 Vicious- 2006 Rough- 2007 ISolated- 2008 Best- 2010 Troublemaker- Oct 17th 2014
I've spent a lot of time alone the last couple of days. I'm really starting to grow on me.
If you fall it's okay to stay down awhile instead of jumping right back into the flow. Initiative can solidify in stillness.
I've listened to this more times than I can remember. It's something I strongly recommend hearing if you're a comedian or an inner workings of comedy knowledge seeker. #comedy #is #my #life
I don't think girls really appreciate how gratifying it is as a guy to break in a baseball cap organically over time.
My 1st @nycomedyfest show at the @BeaconTheatre already sold out so I added another “SUFI" for pre-sale tickets #NYCF
Don't let anyone take away your sparkle.
Don Pardo, announcer for SNL, has died at 96. I want to tell a brief story about this man. I always wanted to host SNL and it was a lifelong mission. When I got it and got to NYC I had 1 must. Get a photo with the great Don Pardo. His voice set the tone of the show and hearing him usher in each host
Hey, if you have Sundance, do me a favor and turn on @ApprovalMatrix right now. Me, @JasonBiggs, @chrisrock, etc. It’s good.
Retweeted by Dane Cook
Steve Ballmer's induction as @LAClippers new owner sounded like he should be "LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!"
I've gotten over 20 #ALSBucketChallenge requests. Amazing seeing this after my ALS charity event last month! My ALSBC's coming. Oh It is.
.@eonline said: "@DaneCook #EXCLUSIVEMinusTheBaleFamily is such a mouthful though.” - Or how about #BabyBalesOutOfWife
.@VH1 said: " Nick Cannon + Mariah Carey have reportedly split." - Hey 1. Not to nickel / dime here but I called this April 30th, 2008.
.@eonline: "#EXCLUSIVE: Christian Bale and his wife Sibi have Baby #2!" - E! Is it "exclusive" if Bale his wife & Baby #1 already knew this?
.@vulture: "Fox has killed Tina Fey's pilot:” - Killed? Vulture it's a cancelled tv show not a 3rd world dictator.