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Dane Cook
I just took a shit on the floor at Trader Joe's but it was in that weird center isle that no one ever goes down.
I will be in NYC this weekend doing a few spots at the Comedy Cellar and Comedy Underground. 10 o'clock shows.
Tinder's not a solid alternative to calling 911 as I would've thought. Unless you need an emergency guilt trip for being on there at all.
I'm home schooling myself.
Unreliable people always respond in a timely fashion to any situation that involves them eating for free.
When a guy tells a girl he's falling for her we call that dropping an "L" bomb.
TUNE IN: @DaneCook is on @FallonTonight this Fri Oct 3 @ 11:35/10:35c on NBC. Watch with us! SUFI
Retweeted by Dane Cook
Monday Night Football with YOUR fantasy league. #MCM @paulhughescomic @brentmorin @adamray33 @Jimmydunn @rickglassman @jondewlat & reintroducing - from #Troublemaker #Oct17th on @Showtime ... @DaneCook *@johncampanelli1 not pictured.
Someones ready for fall.
I just got certified to go dumpster diving.
.@chancetherapper:"Dane Cook- too big too fast. You can't be universally loved.” See if this holds up Oct17th when #TroubleMaker airs son
12:00 on a Sunday night is not quality hour.
So @bengleib wore this Where the Wild Things Are looking coat onstage tonight and it was not meant to be funny. Anyone have anything to say to Ben?
At least pride has zero calories.
Love means never having to say you're sorry you murdered someone.
I just want to say THANK YOU to the homeless guy that spit at me today and called me a "shitless wonder." Taking a negative and flipping it.
Seven Brides for One Brother #PornMusicals
Beauty and the Vagina Destroyer #PornMusicals
It's a thing. Let's go. #PornMusicals West Side Gloryhole
Pre show down time. #homealone #longday #longernight
Two words: Porn musicals.
You know who else is "on the run?" #NextNextNextLevel #RunyonIsHot #KeepYourHeadInTheGame
#home #peace #sober #grateful #satisfied #fulfilled #excited #TheKnick #trust #calm #loved #gaveitmyallgotsome #momandpopareproud #forward #clearmind #secure #realfriends #nextchapter
DC & MM after party. @mariamenounos
How do I emoji my new special #Troublemaker on Oct17th on Showtime?
@x420xx: @DaneCook on HBO in 20 minutes. Let's go!" - enjoy it and get ready for my new special #Troublemaker
Sometimes when a girl I'm with is having a really intense orgasm I hold her close and say, "flux capacitor... fluxing!"
The show at the Laugh Factory tonight will be one of the best in history. Killer lineup. Hollywood show starts at 10.
Whole new look including Mentions with q&a stuff like last night. Go LIKE it and get #Troublemaker ready.
#tbt Insomniac Tour
Dinner and my show. After that The Equalizer at midnight with some friends. Can't wait to watch Denzel some kick ass.
#tbt to the time I wore the magic red jacket and had a picture taken with everything happening like so. #200and5
#DaneCook #Troublemaker #Oct17th #Showtime
Tomorrow is my day to shine. Tonight I'm gonna treat myself like shit.
#wisdom #logic #lucidity
I love a slut with a game plan.
I like threatening someone being an asshole with nonsense. "You pull that crap again I'm gonna Lenny Kravitz your birth certificate."
Every word of this song resonates with me. It's uplifting because it's an anthem for those of us that have overcome harsh obstacles. #Forward #Onward #Upward
My brain today.
The world doesn't want me to learn the flute. If I do I will seduce nations.
My buddy @johncampanelli1 had his birthday dinner tonight. This pic perfectly captured how excited he was. Notice how his Idle Hands arm is trying to sneak up and choke him. Fun night until John disappeared into a puff of smoke.