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Dane Cook
comedian comedy live music 3,027,649 followers
Shameless selfie promotion. #Troublemaker #AirsOct17th #Showtime #Phase2StillASecret #IWaSOVErWeiGhTInMY20sNOwIMGoNNaStayShreddedUntilIWannaGetFatBecauseFatIsFunnyButShreddedMakesYouFunnyAndFamous #WishingWellsUsuallySmellLikeShit #MYLeGsALikEAnAdultBisonInThatTheyAreLovelyAndPowerful #Comedy #Model
I don't care for Tinder. So.. Anyone near this Guitar Center wanna have sex behind Ralph's?
You have to fight for what you want. Unfortunately, you'll have to kill if you wanna keep it.
I think I'm pregnant.
My late night workout video. Vol. 1 - Pelvic Pipe Thrusts.
Hanging with @BradleyCooper and @johncampanelli1 thank you Giselle for taking this pic.
I am not my own role model.
My comedy is for you.
I just got super depressed thinking about how I will never be 27 again.
Even the most beautiful girls in the world have an ugly yawn face.
I'm taking a Google Maps road trip through my home town. I just clicked by where I went to high school.
I just Googled "Carvel in Woburn, Massachusetts" only to find it's gone and replaced with a Batteries Plus Bulbs. The devil does exist.
Good morning world. Incredible things happening today.
I just did a 22 minute plank challenge.
Scorpions gave Fiber One permission to use “Rock You Like A Hurricane” in their ad. I’m used to bands doing this but this one hurt.
I just evacuated a vagina.
@DaneCook just un-followed you finally. Least funny obnoxious over-rated "comedian" I have ever read. Go kill yourself
Retweeted by Dane Cook
There is nothing cuter than a girl getting her period while she’s in a tickle fight.
You know you’re drunk when you shit pants you’re not even wearing.
"I'm writing this quote and quoting myself right now." - Dane Cook
I just did a cannonball into my shower.
Anyone know a good courtroom sketch artist? I'm looking to commission a drab watercolor side profile photo of myself.
I don't know many things definitively but I do know when the trades describes a network president they call'em a "honcho."
Next time you go to Vegas ask for a room, "overlooking its imminent destructions." They'll give you a great rate.