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Dane Cook
comedian comedy live music 3,043,288 followers
At 16 I was racing in the Grand Prix. This was my license. I was on team mullet and we wore mesh shirts. #tbt
I like when a woman's sexually awkward. Like when she doesn't know where her pussy is.
No one in real life looks like they do in magazines. I just bumped into one of todays hottest models. She's actually 65 and missing a foot.
I listen to the voices in my head talking to each other sometimes and I just think they all make valid points.
I hate when a violent protest suddenly turns peaceful.
Sometimes during sex I pretend we're being pulled into a black hole and the only chance we have to escape is by humping fast enough.
When you're at the gym the next song on your shuffle better start in .01 sec or it's getting skipped.
Blemish Spotlight, Drunk 'N High, STD Host, Slutty Sluthole & I Shit Me Pants. #RejectedInstagramFilters
You know you're spending too much time at the coffee bean if you notice a homeless man's limp improving.
Retweeted by Dane Cook
.@FunnyJS said "@DaneCook 1 left. Pick a follower - I'll send to them. pic.twitter.com/1PGOUwrCQG” - Who wants the last 1 of only 1000?
Life is a journey of a thousand assholes.
If a girl has long hair that goes past her waist you have I treat her right or eventually she will kill you.
Every time this commercial comes on all I think is Captain Big Win here's gonna get rolled in the parking lot later by Evil Lips Johnson.
I don't have a spirit animal but I do have a shitty neighbor.
If a girl has a little freckle on her nose she is basically down for whatever.
This is how we do it. A slight 180 inch edge over my competition. #EscapeToTheDropShip
#TheBestPartAbout being a comedian is the support you get from your family.
#TheBestPartAbout being a comedian is all the free buffalo wings.
I just relaxed my potential. What a let down.
Hey .@Abercrombie can you maybe pump some more of that cologne into the air? I reek so bad my girl think I'm sleeping with you.
Why the disabled person gotta have a smaller head?
I don't win because I'm better. I succeed because you're worse than you give yourself credit for. And I know how to adapt.
I would love to see DeNiro lying to get out of a ticket.
I'm headlining the Laugh Factory Hollywood at 10 tonight and tomorrow. Get down there.