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Dane Cook
Got the fight on and ready for the big show. What's everyone thinkin'?
Damn. My last tweet was suppose to be a Google search.
rare two headed cock
Life is the ultimate test of strength and endurance.
The Knick. Outstanding television.
Brennan Papa Dreeson Cook Masada #LaughFactory #Comedy
I like a girl that plays hard to please.
I've changed a lot in the last few minutes.
I'm hitting The Matrix tonight for a steak.
Haters typically die in their late 30s. #FunFactFriday #FFF
Do they make semen resistant phone cases? Like for a lot of semen? Like more semen than a lot of water?
Ethan Hawke on Robin Williams: shar.es/11SjR7
I'm playing a great social game.
Watch an EXCLUSIVE CLIP later today of me being born. The footage is shaky but it's my first live performance.
I don't have a podcast but I do have guests everyday. They are not recorded and the show is called conversations.
I'm at the Laugh Factory Hollywood tonight and tomorrow 10 o'clock show.
If you're still in the club when it's closing, you're doing it wrong.
I'm gonna go do comedy now. See ya in a bit.
.@kanyewest Will you ever change that profile pic? Who inspires you besides fam or religion? #DaneCookTwinterviews
.@questlove Have you ever been playing drums and had to use the bathroom really bad? Like a 2? #DaneCookTwinterviews
.@RWitherspoon What are you most afraid of in this world? What makes you feel sexual? Do you watch sports? #DaneCookTwinterviews
#ViciousCircle is airing tonight #Troublemaker airs Oct 17th on Showtime.
So glad I caught @DaneCook's Vicious Circle on tv tonight, I needed that laugh!!
Retweeted by Dane Cook
.@FloydMayweather what advice would you give to aspiring young fighters? #DaneCookTwinterviews
ha @JuddApatow "This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest." - Henny Youngman
I'm feeling left out, devalued and shitty but the best possible versions of all of those things so that's a plus.
I love needy girls.
Hollywood looks so deceiving today.
1st place can be so lonely. #tbt
Quick poll for all the women out there. As of today... #LoveMen or #HateMen ???
Sometimes life gives you a harness and a path of colorful "rocks" showing you where to climb.
Working out new stuff at the prov. #DaneCook #Troublemaker #OnlyOnShowtime #Oct17th
If you're not following me on Twitter you're basically my enemy.
Christina Aguilera named her baby Summer Rain. I've always thought for a boy I'd go with Winter Squall.
I dated a brain surgeon. She gave the most unbelievable cephalic. #DropsMic
I dated a magician. She gave me a sleight of hand job.
"My past was catching up to me so I just floored it." #WorstExcusesWhenPulledOverByCops
My new show Elevator Fights premieres on The Transportation Channel two winters from now. Get. Your. Self. Excited.
Every hot girl on Tinder change your pic to you making the ugliest face and screen grab it for me now. Post w/ #TinderFace
Most girls purses contain enough loose change to choke an adult horse.
I just jerked off while listening to Simple Minds, "Don't You Forget About Me."
If you are gonna whore yourself out at least do it somewhere lucrative.
I don't have a strategy planned out but I do know how to conduct myself when I see shit in the vicinity of a fan.
This keynote is running like a PC. #AppleLive
I have incredible friends. Today I needed them and they were there.