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Dane Cook
I'm so fucking good at ping pong right now it's almost the stuff that makes up folklore.
There is a REAL messaging app for #instagramers! Go to @instamessage_app download and chat with me now!
You may see me as an entertainer but I consider my self an electronics giant and a down time Paramilitary Operations Officer.
.@axlrose Antagonize me motherfucker. Get on my Twitter motherfucker. And I'll kick your bitchy little ass.
.@axlrose you don't follow anyone on Twitter. Well that's gonna change right now tonight punk. You're acting like Mick Wall at Kerrang.
I love secretly putting in a pair of vampire teeth during sex.
Last night I swung by The Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip. The Main Room is where Rockomedy was born and we did it there for 5 years. Great memories. #Ducati #SportClassic1000
It took me 10+ years to discover that @DaneCook is hilarious and I was just an asshole.
Retweeted by Dane Cook
This Whisper app is really the place to just let it all go ain't it?
What's your least favorite sexual position?
#tbt @JeffGarciaLA  @BobMarleyComedy @RuthyOtero @DougStanhope @iamWandaSykes @SukiYeagley Dorrfman/Smith/Weir
#TBT Get ready for #Troublemaker #Oct17th #OnlyOnShowtime This vid was me taking this chick to task. youtu.be/T1ruBFQhKdA
When paparazzi attack. You can't outrun TMZ. #IJogWithTheALSIceBucketChallenge #tbt #MomentsLaterITrippedAndFellInToAPileOfAShittyMovie
My air smash is already being talked about in China.
Dane Cook, Bill Cosby, Bill Maher & More Featured In New York Comedy Festival Line-Up emptylighthouse.com/dane-cook-bill…
Retweeted by Dane Cook
.@GalGadot : "Strike a pose? instagram.com/p/sN11ZfObfd/” - Weird I just took the same pic for my @VanityFair spread. pic.twitter.com/MWVPmV1kx4
My fantasy football team. Grohl, Griffin, Moretz, Remini. Brad Pitt too but I cropped him out because he was not having a good hair day. #Troublemaker #MyNewComedyEvent #Oct17th #OnlyOnShowtime
.@FONGbro said: "Cheaters never prosper." Prosper? Lance Armstrong ain't living in the slums of Brazil. #debunked
.@mimicreature said: "Life is short." - Camelot Flores Laura a native Aymara. 123 yrs old today. #debunked pic.twitter.com/VUGXaWYzzE
I love kissing my woman between her shoulder blades while we watch bait car videos until our doctor calls us in from the waiting room.
I just led a horse to water and made him drink it. Someone else give me a bullshit life quote and I'll debunk that bitch.
.@ChrisEvans I see where you got your signature Cap roll away from bullets move. Original "Captain America" Trailer: youtu.be/cs8rFsmhNTc
Richard Pryor singing the blues and completely killing it: youtu.be/rUor_H7tGhQ
@DaneCook excited you're back for multiple shows! Can't wait to see you at the @BeaconTheatre on November 6 & 7! bit.ly/DaneCookBeacon2
Retweeted by Dane Cook
The best part of this cheesy pic with @ChloeGMoretz and I is @JimNorton about to Hulk out behind us. pic.twitter.com/0T3wOYFJ9R
Congrats girl. You've come a long way with very little talent. #incrediblenight
@mileycyrus won't leave me alone.
LA traffic is where most people do phone sessions with their therapists.
Fame has a way of making tough stuff relatively easy and simple shit incredibly arduous.
My great friend .@bonniemcfarlane & long retired comic .@RichVos made a doc called "Women Aren't Funny." It's HERE: itun.es/us/f5d31
I'm at a party that the DJ keeps telling us is about to "go next level" but everyone's really satisfied at the current level we're on.
Julia Roberts dress is turning into the molecules Sarah was talking about. #Emmys
Billy Crystal the Robin Williams tribute was really wonderful. #Emmys
Don't forget WOMEN AREN'T FUNNY is available tomorrow on iTunes starring Emmy award winner @SarahKSilverman CONGRATS SARAH!
Retweeted by Dane Cook
A curved tv is the dumbest fucking thing ever. How does a 3 inch bend make it immersive? #Emmys
This music is scary. #Emmys
.@sethmeyers is really good. "NBC is also a network." #Emmys
You never know who is at my show. The other night this man was ready to "powerfist" the world. Any ideas?
Is there anything better than time well spent with your parole officer?
I'm headed to the #Emmys2010. I'm so excited to meet the cast of Monk!
Life sometimes gives you everything you don't need at exactly the right moment.