Broken down tour bus life.
All of my holiday merch is here! Cyber Monday is everyday. LINK —>
I enjoy the kind of porn that has an unexpected twist at the end.
Don’t listen to your heart. Sometimes it’s just messing with you to see what you do.
RT if you still have leftovers pans of aluminum covered Thanksgiving food in the fridge you won't throw away just to avoid washing them.
It's so easy to stay mad at someone.
Go ahead try it!
My record's 5 years and 7 months.
Life can change so fast. Don’t be afraid to go after what you want without hesitation.
Disney's 'Planes' takes flight as #1 best-selling DVD / Blu-ray title latimes.com/entertainment/…
You Won't Believe this Morgan Freeman Picture is a Finger Painting brk.cm/1cSHzCd
Today has to be one of the best days of my entire year.
I have the most unbelievable fans on the planet.
Stay tuned for a big update.
I just had cyber sex at a rock bottom price!
Fleetwood Mac music can inspire you to follow your dreams, believe in magic and sleep with everyone in a band.
If you’re already making poor decisions you mind as well upgrade them to reckless and without any consideration of others feelings.
“My cunt feels like it’s hungry for a boy.“
Amazon is gonna use drones to deliver packages to your home. If you live in an apartment building you will need a roof key.
The average cheerleader shits them self when performing a cupie.
If you find a person that likes the same television shows as you - marry that motherfucker.
said: “Mary Jane was actually killed by Spiderman’s radioactive semen in the comics.” -
Are you drunk Uber?
I don’t believe in “going easy on people” when they make it hard on others.
If you dish it out I can send back my order.
said: “Jamie Masada with @DaneCook
. #Laughsgiving pic.twitter.com/DCwKzkbz1l
- Incredible day serving the community.
I’ve injected the turkey with sodium thiopental.
This dinner’s about to turn into an episode of Homeland.
Oh, yeah, it's on...
your episode of @nbcsnl
is on @VH1
classic! Enjoying my Thanksgiving eve :)
When life gives you shit, make shit sandwiches.
LIMITED RELEASE! Pick up my 10th Anniversary Edition of Harmful HERE: amzn.to/1bQvhIk
Love makes you do all of the things that you swore you’d never do again if you ever fell back in it.
when I think of your beard I think of an abundance of Mediterranean sunshine.
As guys we’re pretty crafty. We’ve convinced women that we’re all dogs.
Everyone loves dogs!
If you meet a guy and he doesn't stare at your tits .. something is really, really wrong with your tits.
Asteroid 2013 NJ will safely pass Earth Nov. 25 7:09pm PST (0309 Nov. 26 UTC) by 589,000mi/948,000km or about 2.5 lunar distances.
BattleField4 time on Xbox One.
That game is why I watch football. Wow. #Patriots
The crop tool is the perfect name for removing frat dudes that photobomb.
just turned this whole thing around. Unbelievable game.
OH YEAH! @DaneCook
’s Harmful If Swallowed 10th Anniversary Limited Edition Vinyl is coming! on.cc.com/I8Bd8j
Sometimes girls are like,
"whaaawhaaaawhaaaa ... grrrhhhmmm"
and guys are like,
"grumblegrumblegrumble ... GRMPHHHHARRRGGGG!!!!!!"
Do you like it when I tweet you like that?
Los Angeles. Laugh Factory. 10 tonight. Killer f’in show.
Come play with me.
Anyone is capable of anything.