I'll tell you for the last time Ryan, it's just a game.
I bet the Pope takes a window seat.
That first shower after you complete a writing packet.
It's great to see Dr. King's dream realized. #BunEquality #BlackWhoppersMatter
The scariest thing about the #BlackWhopper
is that you're eating at Burger King.
Tomorrow night! I'm talking about my worst OKCupid dates. Show starts at 10 p.m. It's FREE.
I don't understand why waffles can't be a state flower. Photo by @lacquerologist
Pat Tobin (tastefactory on Twitter) and Sam Grittner kick off the first We're All Gonna Die Tonight at Mo Fathelbab's new comedy venue!
HURRICANE JOAQUIN: WE WILL REBUILD
Burger King made a Black Whopper, and it's not even February yet.
Milo does his impression of me on antibiotics
No, I said, "You do you," but people always gotta paraphrase...
When Beethoven tries to steal your earrings cuz he ain't worked in a while. #iMeetDogs
Lordt. There is a lot going on here.
Sometimes nothing is funny to me. Then I open my cupboard and grab a bottle of Must Follow. Instant inspiration!
We're honestly supposed to believe that no one can tell the difference between the regular moon and super moon?
Watching thirty movies in flight for free by just viewing the trailers. #CurlyComedySaves
Tell my family I love them.
Review of a fancy hotel: the bed was too comfortable to jump on; I fell asleep immediately. The cozy campfire on my dinner table overlooking a bay in the "relaxed seating" of a plush couch was ruined by a loving couple who wouldn't stop flirting and smooching in front of me. Your scallop dinner was
🎶Stop. Wait a minute. Fill my dish. Put some kibble in it.🎶