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Crappy McCartney
I'm having trouble coming to terms with the shit I just took. #rank
Twitter. The spot before the shitter and the twatter.
Does anyone else's iPhone randomly vibrate for no reason? No? Just me? Ok then. #ios7problems
Girl: "I really like a guy who is close to his family" Me: "I still live with my mom!" Girl: No longer interested. Me: "But you said..."
Hey, @RockstarGames, you know what'd be great? If GTA V online worked properly for once. Thanks.
First of all, who the fuck is juicy j? And secondly, who the FUCK is juicy j? #jealous #pregnant
waking up to the news that I'm now pregnant with @therealjuicyj baby
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Love when 39mb downloads take 15 minutes to complete. Canadian Internet speeds are awesome! #slowasfuck
The Great Gatsby has the strangest selection of music I've ever heard. #jayz #william #lanadelray #florencewelch #gotye
Anytime I hear the word "truculence", I just wanna punch someone in the head. Fuck I hate that word. #stupidword
This title says it all. Crazy Ukrainians. Sad story though. #sexytime pic.twitter.com/92EKxmJEfI
Every time I see the word "breaking" I expect the word "bad" to follow it. Damn that was a good show. @BreakingBad_AMC #breakingbadproblems
Doctor grows a new nose on a mans forehead. Well, doctor "nose" best. Hahaha pic.twitter.com/5yZES4VNTU
I fuckin hate the #Seahawks. Win on a brutal penalty.
Stupid people come in many forms. Most of them are just people who don't agree with me. #morons
You never appreciate how good you feel until you have a massive headache that ruins your day.
Just got my hair cut by a dude named Lia 😟. Yup.
@Fact: I've got a pet wussy. You that read wrong. You read that wrong too.” What the fuck is a pet wussy?
.@ebook_script could your tweets be any more annoying?
@buterasparklexo: ONE MORE FOLLOWER PLEASE :((” no, fuck off. Quit begging. It's pathetic.
Need to know: is it a good idea to blow your load on a future girlfriends face? I mean, how could you respect her after? That's just nasty.
I always chuckle seeing a girl getting married who was just sucking every dick she could only 1 1/2 years ago. Guess she found a keeper.
Oh, you married your high school sweetheart? Well I'm sure out of the billions of ppl on earth, they're your "soul mate". Pallleease.
Currently having the shits in a dirty mall bathroom. You? #hersheysquirts
Google's first name was BackRub. Could you imagine if we had to say "BackRub it" instead of "Google it"? #badname #google
So many assholes always want something for nothing. #scumbags
I drove by this girl in my boat today. She did the double arm wave. Is that the international sign for "I want the D"? #shewantstheD
Still at the cabin. Livin' the dream. #lazy
New favourite show: Veep. F'n hilarious. #hbo
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to.
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If you do crosswords and word searches to fill time, you have a boring life.
Phillipinos look half their age. What the fuck is up with that?
In case my previous tweets fooled you, I'm off to my cabin for a few weeks. Probably will be MIA for awhile. Peace tweeps.
Now I hit an entire family of ducks. Swerved. Took out only one of the young ones. Did what I could, but it wasn't enough. 😿
Stepped on a rusty nail yesterday. This 9 hour drive today should be interesting. #drivingfoot #pain
Just hit a bird going 120km/h. Safe to say its dead. I just cleaned my car too. #splat
In my experience, those who use public toilets dont just kind of have to go. They really gotta go. #theshits
.@Carpenter_Kate marry me? No? Ok. Just thought I'd ask.
@randombeni: And we caaan't stooopp and we won't stooop! <3" Easy Miley.
Woman at drive-thru just called me "honey." Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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If you want a guy to have sex with you, bring him to a construction site. Men love powerful machines & dirt!
Retweeted by Crappy McCartney