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Sometimes with rap songs you have to read the fine print before you cosign. ow.ly/m9oJU
I'm so confused...I thought "I ate the bones" was the slogan for the TV show Hannibal.
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My friend is an actor, writer, director, photographer, so he's a bartender.
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Everyone should have a hidden talent. ow.ly/m9joB
If you're sick of the same people on every podcast, check out this week's Jeff Rubin Jeff Rubin Show. I learned a lot jeffrubinjeffrubinshow.com/episode/648/
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to do list: 1) choose a life path then reconsider. 2) make snowman out of crushed dreams. 3) happily skip to foreclosure.
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A moment of silence for every chip that broke off in a giant bowl of salsa, never to be retrieved. Rest In Pieces of chopped tomato.
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Weddings by lakes should just come with floaties already. ow.ly/m9ocW
In Sixth Sense Bruce Willis was bread the whole time. @jakeandamir @rejectedjokes ow.ly/m77OZ
#threewords is really two words. Hashtag fail.
So glad to see Hollywood trying all different kinds of material. instagram.com/p/aqwJKruPfa/
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.@AlexanderWatt A bumper sticker that says, "HONK IF YOU LOVE YEEZUS."
A sticker that says "I BOUGHT YEEZUS TODAY."
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The best pesticide is arson. ow.ly/m7bnb
You're doing it on purpose, Starbucks! ow.ly/m7poo
Stay trendy by telling people that you love or hate trends on the top trending site. #Trends ow.ly/m6UTR
Plumbers are the smartest people. ow.ly/m7fVE
It's weird when coworkers get along, but cool when it's cuz they're making big bucks in a movie. ow.ly/m765h
RT @chmurph: Hung out with my boys today instead of gardening. Bros before hoes.
Watches 'The Dark Knight Rises' - talks like Bane for the next 29 hours.
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So, this happened. If T Swift was a real G she wouldn't have deleted it #kimyebaby instagram.com/p/aotKzdNncN/
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Kim and Kanye: What shall we name the investment? ow.ly/m7fPD
Beer is the staple they don't put on the food pyramid. ow.ly/m6U6S
Two Fasting, Too Furious ow.ly/m77ay
Miss Utah's 'create education better' quote highlighted the problem of underperforming American schools in a very clever, meta way
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So sweating in the shower is a thing I do now. #Manopause
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Please help us vote deep V-necks out of existence. ow.ly/m6UAG
Humble brag: so good at swimming even when I'm not swimming. ow.ly/m6NUr
If they made claw machines easier to win, we wouldn't have to break into them. ow.ly/m6MBH
Would you rather go to community college or drink a gallon of hot dog water
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The NSA doesn't read sexts as a matter of principle, right? #AskSnowden
More like Magna CARTER Holy Sale.
Okay water broke and mercy/ labor was the worst day/ You need that car-seat/ bottle for your girl/ "She tryna burp me!"
I want a girl with a short skirt and loooooong sandwich
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I just walked through some guy's cologne cloud and now I'm in love with him :(
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