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Oh, car. What did I do to wrong you? Is it really necessary to die on the 5 😔
Told my father he looks like a turtle when he hasn't got his false teeth in & I've now just been sent to my room for the first time in years
“I will never be able to say what is in my heart, because words fail us, because it is in our nature… instagram.com/p/4StfMAC9RN/
Get tin' real tired of you, m8 pic.twitter.com/mnobNxUAhD
When the dentist numbs your mouth and you become a lama. #spittinndroolin
When yo friend asks if you like him & you're all, no. Then he texts to tell you he finished moving in with his new girl roommate ⁉️🚮
Motivational Posters For Mountain Climbers: "It's always further than it looks, and harder than it looks!" etc. Fun! buff.ly/1RcwsH2
So I pretended to throw a ball and caught the exact moment my dog realised I had betrayed him... pic.twitter.com/GhKg4zEcvo
Seconds before attaching herself to the window screen. Morning. instagram.com/p/4McfhLC9Xg/
Fact #3 possums look like an evil Mickey Mouse pic.twitter.com/slDnCYD0qY
Fact #1 possums are not afraid of tasers
Fact #2 the reason a possum is eating your cat's food is because your cat has befriended the possum
Man on paleo diet arrested after eating neighbors dog
"my paleo instincts just took over”
via @the_spudd thespudd.com/man-on-paleo-d…
Running at lacy with the volume turns up too loud. Didn't realise the ambulance were right behind me because someone had a heatstroke 😳
It's not official until you spend an hour on the phone struggling to get the words out to your Bay Area Doug that you're leaving.
Up till 4am reading again. Party animal
looks like a Neanderthal"
The one time I made a shot into the rubbish bin from across the room... The time I shouted "warriors" before doing so. Dang.
why can't I jump like this :| youtube.com/watch?v=zlmfx7…
And you're reading an excellent book if the only reason you're putting it down is because it's nearly 4am
The dollar signs gleaming in your eyes are warding me away from you. Not everyone's dream is to make an unnecessary amount of money.
Dude. If I have my earphones in & turned the volume all the way up and but I can still hear you. you're way too loud.
PSA: cats and velociraptors are basically the same pet.
I ain't even tripping that Mickey (a possum) helps himself to my cat's leftovers. Just tryin' to survive, mate
When your sister is all nice and sends you a smack in the face 😡pic.twitter.com/uwnclBgt3U
I swear iPhone deletes phone numbers without my permission.
Just gonna keep CNTRL+R Gmail until I see yo email in my inbox #Monday
To move back to L.A. or to stay in the beautiful bay.. Sigh. Forever screwed.
So applying to universities in GB is $17 or $34 depending on how many you apply to. Thanks 'Merica. Thanks a lot.
Happy birthday tieduh from @CHBchen
and Batman. I still put gifts into tax return envelopes because… instagram.com/p/32i1XKC9Z7/
Getting a cake at porto's for the first time and I'm all confused.
Ambush makeovers on television. Way to be a poo head.
Stranded in Silver Lake because I'm Special K (put on steering wheel lock and left key at home, shh)… instagram.com/p/3sig7hi9ZM/
There's always that store you go into with intentions of buying gifts... And leaving with a -few-… instagram.com/p/3r-pwJC9RP/
In Hollywood and a little girl asks a dude dressed like Freddy Kreuger what was wrong with his face.
Omg. You can't just ask people that.
A bag of coconut flour with a hole in it on the top shelf conveniently falling and exploding on me at whole foods = free bag 😁
Passed out, woke up, passed out again. 😍😍pic.twitter.com/LGsKVHVlgY
Possum eating cat's leftovers and compost :| named him Mickey cause he looks like Mickey Mouse to me
Thought my cats learned to kick their bowls when they're hungry but it was possum. Totally unexpected and totally freaky.
( a lot of people do but hughhhhh jackmannnnnn )
Will never tire from the fact that Hugh Jackman supports food revolution/ nutrition education 😍
"I would never have left someone else to raise my children."
"You left me with auntie and uncle."
"They loved you."
😑 oh, momma, I love you
Mom: "It sounds like you're crying when you sneeze"
Me: "My soul is leaving my body"
Mom: "Your soul left your body years ago"
When you didn't sleep at all and decide to just stay up. Two sips of coffee and you're about to roll over and hibernate. Da f