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As if I didn't have enough to worry about today.
Taken 3? Has Liam Neeson's daughter not heard of Orlando ?
For the last time..."A Lot" is a two-word phrase. NO MORE FUCKING EXCUSES!
My dog is so lazy. It has been laying on the couch with me for 8 hours straight!
Farmers' Almanac predicts sunny day in summer of 2016.
I'm drunk with power. Power = Bourbon.
Imagine how bad Maroon 1-4 must have been.
Relationship getting stale? Try bickering in different locations throughout the house.
My Neighborhood has a big time gang problem.…
Holding the door for me and forcing me to jog ten feet, basically makes you Hitler.
My horoscope just says, "Call in Sick".
One day, the police will refer to my Twitter feed as "Exhibit A"
"I'm huge in Japan" - My penis
You had me at "My dad left when I was three."
Charles Barkley making a mockery of North Dakota, South Dakota, and the English language.
People that watch shows with the word "housewives" in the title, are why we can't have nice things.
I know you're an "Actor" but what do you do for money?
My résumé is just a picture of you sleeping.
*voiceover* Notice the steroid-fueled frat guy as he proudly flaunts his abundance of cocaine. It won't be long before he attracts a mate.
Accidentally ate two multivitamins today and now I am immortal.
Retweeted by ChrisCamarra
No, no, no.... Please, tell me more about your bracket.
Dayton, you owe me a billion dollars! #MarchMadness
BREAKING NEWS...President Obama picks Ukraine to upset the Soviets in his March Madness bracket!