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As if I didn't have enough to worry about today.
Taken 3? Has Liam Neeson's daughter not heard of Orlando ?
For the last time..."A Lot" is a two-word phrase. NO MORE FUCKING EXCUSES!
My dog is so lazy. It has been laying on the couch with me for 8 hours straight!
Farmers' Almanac predicts sunny day in summer of 2016.
I'm drunk with power. Power = Bourbon.
Imagine how bad Maroon 1-4 must have been.
Relationship getting stale? Try bickering in different locations throughout the house.
My Neighborhood has a big time gang problem.…
Holding the door for me and forcing me to jog ten feet, basically makes you Hitler.
My horoscope just says, "Call in Sick".
One day, the police will refer to my Twitter feed as "Exhibit A"
"I'm huge in Japan" - My penis
You had me at "My dad left when I was three."
Charles Barkley making a mockery of North Dakota, South Dakota, and the English language.
People that watch shows with the word "housewives" in the title, are why we can't have nice things.
I know you're an "Actor" but what do you do for money?
My résumé is just a picture of you sleeping.
*voiceover* Notice the steroid-fueled frat guy as he proudly flaunts his abundance of cocaine. It won't be long before he attracts a mate.
Accidentally ate two multivitamins today and now I am immortal.
Retweeted by ChrisCamarra
No, no, no.... Please, tell me more about your bracket.
Dayton, you owe me a billion dollars! #MarchMadness
BREAKING NEWS...President Obama picks Ukraine to upset the Soviets in his March Madness bracket!
It's not delivery...It's disgusting.
"Got her, Got her, Need her, Got her" - Me (while scrolling through FaceBook "friends")
I want a girlfriend who doesn't have any nag reflex.
It was great seeing @GaryGulman kill it @NYCComedyCellar last night.
Technically, every "L" is "OL"
New York hasn't endured this much snow since 1992.
Carmelo Anthony to Raymond Felton; "Nobody on this team shoots other than me!"
I pray my online obituary has disabled comments.
So we lost to Canada...big deal. We still have Bacon Bowls. #Murica
#DerekJeter has more Championships, but #DavidOrtiz has more Failed Steroid Drug Tests. The #FaceofMLB is a tough decision.
Seeing the respect and positive response to Michael Sam's announcement gives optimism that there just might be hope for us humans after all.
BREAKING NEWS: Terrorists Cancel Olympic Attack After Learning of Dreadful Hotel Accommodations. #SochiProblems
One thing I have learned from Hollywood, is that the guy in need of building permits, is most defintely evil.
I'm too drunk to remember who peed in my pants.
Bob Costas must have gotten some #Sochi in his eye...BADA..........BOOM
God has answered my prayers......with a resounding "NO"
If your ketchup isn't labeled "fancy" then you should just walk your jean shorts up your dirt driveway and go home.
People Watching is OK, but Person Watching is frowned upon.
My problem is, women continually put me under a pedestal.
"Omaha, Omaha. O-shiiiiiit" - Peyton Manning #SuperBowl
Saddened by the passing of Philip Seymour Hoffman. Need to watch Boogie Nights today. One of the most talented actors ever! #RIPPSH