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Eat like nobody's watching.
Metaphorically speaking, I've been the guy with toilet paper stuck to his shoe for the last 34 years.
Of me in High School. Happy #FriendshipDay
I don't have a Dalmatian but....
I can feel my snooze button judging me.
50 Cent reminds fans that "Get Rich or Die Tryin" should not be taken literal.
With the 4th pick, in the NBA draft, the New York Knicks select.....EXACTLY who you thought the Knicks would select. #NBADraft
People that use the phrase "Sunday Funday" aren't asked to hangout Monday - Saturday.
If only my relationships stuck together as well as my headphones.
Chin strap sold separately
"Caution, cyclists are douchier than they appear"
Who's that female comic that is always joking about her vagina?
Don't forget to set your DVR's
Take it from Tom Brady and his supermodel wife, Cheaters never win!
Is he the only one around here that gives a shit about the rules?! #MarkItZero
That's the closest Charles Barkley and Reggie Miller have ever been to a ring. #MayPac
You're not a political activist, but you play one on my Facebook feed.
The Orioles are playing in an empty stadium. Even the Indians think this is pathetic.
The 'Highway To Hell' begins at The FDR Drive.
When will society learn, disapproving looks have no effect on me?
"Bitch Better Have My Money" - IRS #TaxDay
Kentucky Players Relieved Season is Over... Anxious to Resume Studies
Ashley Judd now on Suicide Watch! #FinalFour
My life is the middle seat
Wait...People are buying selfie sticks, non-ironically!?
Kentucky's toughest opponent will be the NCAA Infractions Committee. #UKvsWVU
Charles Barkley sounds like someone doing a bad impersonation of Charles Barkley. #MarchMadness
No please, tell me more about your bracket. #MarchMadness
Jealous much !?
Fine. I will throw my hands in the air. But to be honest, I have several cares.
Blue and Black dresses matter! #TheDress
Miley Cyrus' voice will haunt my dreams #GRAMMYs
🎶 Walk in to the club, like what up I got a fully-charged iPhone!
Julian Edelman pleased to learn he passed concussion test, now "looking forward to tomorrow's Super Bowl!"
I read Craigslist for the articles.
Pete Carroll's NFL Dance Party has been canceled. #SB49
Taken 3? Has this family never heard of Orlando?
Happy Birthday, Santa Claus
In the case of Jesus of Nazareth, Joseeph, you are NOT the father! #MauryChristmas
Went for broke.....GOT IT!
Most times, my life makes very little cents.
"Cut the shenanigans!" - Some white guy, probably.
Guys keep the thanksgiving food pics coming. I'm still trying to figure out what to serve.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone !
I think we're all anxiously awaiting Bill Cosby's words of wisdom to the people Ferguson.
Single women can look forward to a difficult phone from their mother tonight.
Today is a new world order, previously unrecognizable. I think we can all agree, that THIS time, government will get things done.
Indiana basketball needs to recruit shooters, because they sure as hell can't drive.