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Taken 3? Has this family never heard of Orlando?
Happy Birthday, Santa Claus
In the case of Jesus of Nazareth, Joseeph, you are NOT the father! #MauryChristmas
Went for broke.....GOT IT!
Most times, my life makes very little cents.
"Cut the shenanigans!" - Some white guy, probably.
Guys keep the thanksgiving food pics coming. I'm still trying to figure out what to serve.
I think we're all anxiously awaiting Bill Cosby's words of wisdom to the people Ferguson.
Single women can look forward to a difficult phone from their mother tonight.…
Today is a new world order, previously unrecognizable. I think we can all agree, that THIS time, government will get things done.
Indiana basketball needs to recruit shooters, because they sure as hell can't drive.
I just saw a smartcar blow through a stop sign and hit a pedestrian. It's totaled.
Only the National Guard can stop Ole Miss.
New Horror Movie targeted to suburban moms.... A School Cafeteria that only serves gluten-based lunches.
"IRAQ 3....The Return of Barack". Coming to a World War near you this Fall!
Ironically, my only real exercise is actively avoiding gyms.
The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about or why you're fighting .
Retweeted by ChrisCamarra
My very funny friend, @melowens on CNN! Closeted Gays and non-descriminating immigrants, this is your chance!
Rest In Peace to one of the funniest f̶e̶m̶a̶l̶e̶ comics ever, Joan Rivers. #canwetalk
ALS has impacted many lives, including mine. Join me in supporting ALSA and participate in the #icebucketchallenge!…
You couldn't possibly sum up Showgirls in one sentence could y...oh ok yeah I guess you could.
Retweeted by ChrisCamarra
The world got a lot less funnier today. #RIPRobinWilliams
Anybody know where I can find some pictures of casual acquaintances with their feet up in front of a body of water ?
Kevin Durant quits USA Basketball to focus on not winning NBA titles. #DurantDecision
"Malaysian Airlines... At least we're not Delta! "
I'm always secretly hoping my friends call my bluff when I ask them to hangout.
Johnny Manziel to sign with the Miami Heat.
"I believe that we will tie!"
As if I didn't have enough to worry about today.
Taken 3? Has Liam Neeson's daughter not heard of Orlando ?
For the last time..."A Lot" is a two-word phrase. NO MORE FUCKING EXCUSES!
My dog is so lazy. It has been laying on the couch with me for 8 hours straight!
Farmers' Almanac predicts sunny day in summer of 2016.
I'm drunk with power. Power = Bourbon.
Imagine how bad Maroon 1-4 must have been.
Relationship getting stale? Try bickering in different locations throughout the house.
My Neighborhood has a big time gang problem.…
Holding the door for me and forcing me to jog ten feet, basically makes you Hitler.
My horoscope just says, "Call in Sick".
One day, the police will refer to my Twitter feed as "Exhibit A"
"I'm huge in Japan" - My penis