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Holding the door for me and forcing me to jog ten feet, basically makes you Hitler.
My horoscope just says, "Call in Sick".
One day, the police will refer to my Twitter feed as "Exhibit A"
"I'm huge in Japan" - My penis
You had me at "My dad left when I was three."
Charles Barkley making a mockery of North Dakota, South Dakota, and the English language.
People that watch shows with the word "housewives" in the title, are why we can't have nice things.
I know you're an "Actor" but what do you do for money?
My résumé is just a picture of you sleeping.
*voiceover* Notice the steroid-fueled frat guy as he proudly flaunts his abundance of cocaine. It won't be long before he attracts a mate.
Accidentally ate two multivitamins today and now I am immortal.
Retweeted by ChrisCamarra
No, no, no.... Please, tell me more about your bracket.
Dayton, you owe me a billion dollars! #MarchMadness
BREAKING NEWS...President Obama picks Ukraine to upset the Soviets in his March Madness bracket!
It's not delivery...It's disgusting.
"Got her, Got her, Need her, Got her" - Me (while scrolling through FaceBook "friends")
I want a girlfriend who doesn't have any nag reflex.
It was great seeing @GaryGulman kill it @NYCComedyCellar last night.
Technically, every "L" is "OL"
New York hasn't endured this much snow since 1992.
Carmelo Anthony to Raymond Felton; "Nobody on this team shoots other than me!"
I pray my online obituary has disabled comments.
So we lost to Canada...big deal. We still have Bacon Bowls. #Murica