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Good morning fatties. Put on that nicotine patch and set-up an eHarmony profile. You've got a new year of disappointments coming your way.
Relationship getting stale? Try arguing in different parts of the house.
Steve Harvey, YOU HAD ONE JOB!
Idiot proof? Challenge accepted.
So that's it?...NOBODY is gonna tell Stevie Wonder how his hair looks?
Forget the gun laws. We should make killing people illegal!
Me thinks your Facebook doth protest too much.
Sinatra forgot the verse about urine-soaked rat traps. #topoftheworld
Michigan State may be the little brother, but UM continues to be the mentally challenged brother. #MSUvsMICH
Just saw a homeless man eating pizza with his dog...instantly became jealous.
Childish Gambino's actions were both immature or gangster....oh wait! ew.com/article/2015/1…
Now that the pope is gone...white after Labor Day ?!
Jason Pierre-Paul has left the New York Giants' defensive short-handed.
It's not delivery. It's disgusting.
"It's not you, it's me" - Humidity, to Heat
Retweeted by ChrisCamarra
Gonna be another late night
Saw #StraightOuttaCompton. It kicks so much butt, it kicks ass!
Hi, everyone. I'm Olaf and I like verbally accosting tourists! nypost.com/2015/08/17/tim…
.@MFAIceland & @SCpresidenciauy thanks for standing up for women around the world—Now come to #GlobalCitizen Festival & make a commitment!
Geno Smith reportedly threw the first punch but it was intercepted and run back for a touchdown. #Jets
Eat like nobody's watching.
Metaphorically speaking, I've been the guy with toilet paper stuck to his shoe for the last 34 years.
#TBT Of me in High School. Happy #FriendshipDay fellas!
I don't have a Dalmatian but....
I can feel my snooze button judging me.
50 Cent reminds fans that "Get Rich or Die Tryin" should not be taken literal.
With the 4th pick, in the NBA draft, the New York Knicks select.....EXACTLY who you thought the Knicks would select. #NBADraft
People that use the phrase "Sunday Funday" aren't asked to hangout Monday - Saturday.
If only my relationships stuck together as well as my headphones.
Chin strap sold separately
"Caution, cyclists are douchier than they appear"
Who's that female comic that is always joking about her vagina?
Don't forget to set your DVR's
Take it from Tom Brady and his supermodel wife, Cheaters never win!
golf.com/tour-and-news/… Is he the only one around here that gives a shit about the rules?! #MarkItZero
That's the closest Charles Barkley and Reggie Miller have ever been to a ring. #MayPac
You're not a political activist, but you play one on my Facebook feed.
The Orioles are playing in an empty stadium. Even the Indians think this is pathetic.
The 'Highway To Hell' begins at The FDR Drive.
When will society learn, disapproving looks have no effect on me?
"Bitch Better Have My Money" - IRS #TaxDay
Kentucky Players Relieved Season is Over... Anxious to Resume Studies
Ashley Judd now on Suicide Watch! #FinalFour
My life is the middle seat

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