Idiot proof? Challenge accepted.
There's no point in arguing over Obamacare, My Facebook feed seems to have all the answers.
Being an American means sharing the common belief that we are all better than average drivers.
Concert in Times Square. Sometimes, this city ain't too bad. #FrontRow pic.twitter.com/JaD1phlqwl
What a shocker, a woman in front of me at the checkout line with exact change and nowhere to be.
sang "No crying on Sundays" Its obvious that he isn't a #Giants
**CAUTION** Objects on Instagram may be less attractive than they appear.
Government is like your Ex. It only takes a few days before you realize life goes on without them.
My resume is just a list of Snapple Facts. Also, what's a job?
I ducking hate Auto-Correction.
I sure hope my keyboard is on the pill.
"Just another Manic Monday" - Amanda Bynes
Throwback Thursday: My first kiss, September 19th, 2013. #TBT
Klout Score > Credit Rating
Fake Twitter accounts are a cry for help.
That's how it's done.
Psst, women that constantly pose with their hand on their hip... you are fooling nobody!
NBC announcer, Mike Mayock's lisp is almost hypnotic enough to convince viewers that Notre Dame is good. #OKLAvsND
Embroidering your initials in your clothes is a great way to identify yourself...
as a complete douchebag.
Why does porn sound SO MUCH LOUDER on my work computer?
Hindsight being 20/20, Hugh Jackman shoulda just paid for the bread. #LesMiserables
BREAKING : Bruno Mars to Weep Uncontrollably at Super Bowl Halftime.
A swift kick to the crotch is still less painful than grammatical errors in my tweets.
That's just Miley being M̶i̶l̶e̶y̶ ̶Madonna. #MTVVMAs
My ex forgot to lock her Facebook photos. Well, my next hour is spoken for....
Just got done updating my LinkedIn profile with some tasteful nudes....Now I wait.
I just saw a naked woman on the Internet. How long has this been going on ?
"Ryan Braun did nothing wrong." - Lance Armstrong.
I'm a bit different from most guys. I put my pants on three legs at a time.
I challenge you to find a naval officer that can tie a knot more impressive than my headphones.
You see that Detroit?, This is what happens when you waste all your money on Kid Rock CD's and the Lions players. #Bankruptcy
When someone tells you that you're 1 in a million. It just means there's a 1,000 people just like you in China.
Today's forecast - 98 degrees with a chance of racial tension.
Every closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
Sometimes I think I have A.D.D. and other times.....
Hey look a dog.
Casey Anthony, George Zimmerman, George Bush. Florida Completes the Trifecta. #NoJustice
Can any of you ladies tell me if the back of my van smells weird?
I just saw a smartcar blow through a stop sign and hit a pedestrian.
There's a special place in hell for those that Retweet without following.
I hope my coworkers don't notice that this is the same sarcastic smile I wore yesterday.
Germany is lucky we haven't had a female President, because they would NEVER let that shit go.
Bad Boob jobs should be called discount racks.
What if Daniel Day-Lewis had to prepare for a role as Daniel Day-Lewis?
They don't make window tint dark enough for me to drive a Kia.
When you see someone crying, gently tap them on the shoulder and ask if it's because they're a fatty-fat, fat fat