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"Caution, cyclists are douchier than they appear"
Who's that female comic that is always joking about her vagina?
Don't forget to set your DVR's pic.twitter.com/IsIWSsWeZk
Take it from Tom Brady and his supermodel wife, Cheaters never win! pic.twitter.com/UnsxqycZuR
Is he the only one around here that gives a shit about the rules?! #MarkItZero
That's the closest Charles Barkley and Reggie Miller have ever been to a ring. #MayPac
You're not a political activist, but you play one on my Facebook feed.
The Orioles are playing in an empty stadium. Even the Indians think this is pathetic. pic.twitter.com/kr63Ac8vjQ
The 'Highway To Hell' begins at The FDR Drive.
When will society learn, disapproving looks have no effect on me?
"Bitch Better Have My Money" - IRS #TaxDay
Kentucky Players Relieved Season is Over... Anxious to Resume Studies
Ashley Judd now on Suicide Watch! #FinalFour
My life is the middle seat
Wait...People are buying selfie sticks, non-ironically!?
Kentucky's toughest opponent will be the NCAA Infractions Committee. #UKvsWVU
Charles Barkley sounds like someone doing a bad impersonation of Charles Barkley. #MarchMadness
No please, tell me more about your bracket. #MarchMadness
Fine. I will throw my hands in the air. But to be honest, I have several cares.
Blue and Black dresses matter! #TheDress
Miley Cyrus' voice will haunt my dreams #GRAMMYs
🎶 Walk in to the club, like what up I got a fully-charged iPhone!
Julian Edelman pleased to learn he passed concussion test, now "looking forward to tomorrow's Super Bowl!"
I read Craigslist for the articles.
Pete Carroll's NFL Dance Party has been canceled. #SB49
Taken 3? Has this family never heard of Orlando?
Happy Birthday, Santa Claus
In the case of Jesus of Nazareth, Joseeph, you are NOT the father! #MauryChristmas
Went for broke.....GOT IT!
Most times, my life makes very little cents.
"Cut the shenanigans!" - Some white guy, probably.
Guys keep the thanksgiving food pics coming. I'm still trying to figure out what to serve.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone ! pic.twitter.com/7DSFf351S5
I think we're all anxiously awaiting Bill Cosby's words of wisdom to the people Ferguson.
Single women can look forward to a difficult phone from their mother tonight.
Today is a new world order, previously unrecognizable. I think we can all agree, that THIS time, government will get things done.
Indiana basketball needs to recruit shooters, because they sure as hell can't drive.
I just saw a smartcar blow through a stop sign and hit a pedestrian.
Only the National Guard can stop Ole Miss.
New Horror Movie targeted to suburban moms.... A School Cafeteria that only serves gluten-based lunches.
Partying with VERY Lil' Wayne! pic.twitter.com/L2INvJluw1
"IRAQ 3....The Return of Barack". Coming to a World War near you this Fall!
Ironically, my only real exercise is actively avoiding gyms.
The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about or why you're fighting .
My very funny friend, @melowens
on CNN! Closeted Gays and non-descriminating immigrants, this is your chance!
Rest In Peace to one of the funniest f̶e̶m̶a̶l̶e̶ comics ever, Joan Rivers. #canwetalk