Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome   firefox   ie   safari  
Create your own wall, sign in free!
Charlie Brooker
That last RT reminds me: how do you explain 'gamergate' to a grownup?
Found this image on the mindnumbingly stupid #MeninistTwitter hashtag. Dude is complaining about having to "be clean"
Retweeted by Charlie Brooker
Quite a design flaw RT @NYMag: If you sit with your iPhone 6 Plus in your pocket, it bends beyond repair
Retweeted by Charlie Brooker
Wrote this for @guardian about modern life being rubbish:
I don't know why but I'm really really belly laughing at that last Limmy RT
.@Sony I bought one of your radios but it doesn't go loud enough. Pics attached.
Retweeted by Charlie Brooker
Just remembered soon I've got to start watching the entire year back again for the annual end of year show. It'll be like Clockwork Orange.
It's because his surname sounds like 'Salmon', see.
Smoked Salmond! Tee hee. Hoo hoo hoo. What a card.
Trying to think of another one about the Salmond being off but the moment's gone oh fuck it
Apparently I stole that 'joke' from Lord Sugar. I'm fired!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!???!!!!!!
Hey Scotland, govt starts issuing your new uniforms 5pm tmrw. Collect from nearest official unity depot. One size fits all. Cheers, bye.
Here's how tweeting nothing but photos of open gobs dented my follower count last time courtesy @FrenchTheHaggis
I'll have to check but I think I lost about 20,000 followers last time.
And there was me thinking he was shouting "no".
Do you know where Arnis Zalkalns is? Have you seen him? Contact police urgently 020 8353 0100 #FindAlice
Retweeted by Charlie Brooker
Defacer's dream RT @suttonnick: Thursday's Scottish Sun - "Today Scotland starts with a blank page" #indyref
Possible outcome: No wins, but the following day Yes starts to form a UK-wide movement.
Don't look at this. Genuinely, don't. RT @DaftLimmy: Sweet dreams.
My nightmare = world in which only cure for Ebola is frenziedly eating handfuls of live spiders.
Someone just told me to 'man up'. No. No I won't.
What I need is a pair of augmented reality goggles that airbrush out spiders before I can see them.
And deliberately squinting so my vision's a blur if I go into a room that seems 'likely' to have a spider in it.
We're into spider season now and I still haven't seen one this month. But then I am habitually walking up and down stairs with eyes closed.
Read more about 41yo Arnis Zalkalns missing from #Ealing & why officers trying to #FindAlice are involved (2/3)
Retweeted by Charlie Brooker
I mean, I was reading a bedtime story to a two-year-old yesterday and suddenly found myself having to say this:
Still get surprised when children's stories abruptly turn harsh.
TIP: Raise your self-esteem by pretending Twitter is a stream-of-consciousness novel you're writing in fitful bursts.
@charltonbrooker Over 2 wks & Alice is still missing. We so desperately want to bring her home Plse RT #FindAlice #UK
Retweeted by Charlie Brooker
Thinking of compiling a Spotify playlist of sad break-up songs for Scotland.
Please explore and share our interactive map showing movements of Alice Gross on Thurs 28 Aug.Help #FindAlice #London
Retweeted by Charlie Brooker
Good of Apple to launch a wristband that raises awareness of Chinese factory conditions.
Unless it's powered by your kidneys, of course.
Wonderful evenings to look forward to, crouching awkwardly with your wrist 15cm from a power socket, charging your Apple fucking Watch.
Craig Brown's parody of Richard Dawkins' Twitter feed in the latest Private Eye is superb.