96% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I'm the other 5%.
A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers..." So I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
Dear 8 year old with an iPhone and Uggs, when I was 8, I had a Gameboy and light-up Sketchers. Sincerely, somebody needs a reality check.
In kindergarden, anyone who had the 64 color pack with the sharpener ran that classroom!
I never make the same mistake twice.
I make it 6 or 7 times just to make sure.
Mom: "Have a great day at school"
Me: "Don't tell me what to do"
Hi I'm Miley Cyrus and you're watching Disney Channel
My abs are so ripped that I make sure to protect them with a layer of fat.
I sprayed mosquito repellent on a mosquito. Now he’ll never have any friends...
I like to stop my microwave with 0:01 second left, it makes me feel like I'm defusing a bomb and saving lives.
You know you are fat when you sit on an iPhone and it becomes and iPad.
What's red and tastes like an apple?
A red apple.
I'm trying to find the appropriate time to tell my cat he's adopted.
I wonder what the first person who started milking a cow was thinking.
Singing in the shower and thinking "how have I not recorded an album yet?"
Where do cows go on the weekends?
If I could do inception, I would do it to my dogs. Our dreams would most likely be similar, food related.
The iPhone 5S is coming out soon. I can't wait to buy something I already own.
People who follow me get free ice cream.
Actually, I lied. I ate all the ice cream.
Dinosaurs are just lies that are fed to us to cover up the existence of Pokemon.
Some kids were dropped as a baby... But you were clearly thrown in the air, smacked by a ceiling fan, and tossed out the window.
Getting a birthday card without money in it... the biggest disappointment in the world.
Back in elementary school, no one messed with the line leader.
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.... until you ask me to share food.
I don't care if you are a glass half full or glass half empty kind of person. There is clearly room for more beer.
You know it's lost when your mom can't find it.
I was tired of being a human, so I became a unicorn.
I am not lazy, now leave me alone so I can plan tomorrows nap.
Wow! This mirror is incredibly sexy!
Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet...
Being skinny may be nice, but hamburgers are even nicer.
"You break it, you buy it.”
No actually. I break it, slowly put it back, and awkwardly walk away...
Head to the kitchen to make a salad, leave with pizza.
Don't let them make fun of your weight, both your chins are beautiful.
I heard what you said, I just don't care.
"Polar bears suck at basketball"
- black bears
That awesome feeling you get eating a giant steak next to a vegetarian.
I blame everyone for my problems. Except Batman.
Walking around staples singing, "Look at me now, I'm getting paper!!"
When people ask me why I don't have any tattoos I say to them, "Would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?"
It's always hard finding my ass after I laugh it off.
"One Direction" has 12 letters. So does gayyyyyyyyyy. Coincidence? I think not.
What kind of bees make milk?
Santa is the biggest criminal on earth: he brakes into people's houses, leaves mysterious packages, and takes all my cookies.
I'll stop answering sarcastically when you start asking intelligent questions.
Try telling YOLO to a Buddhist.
Sometimes that light at the end of a tunnel is a train.
Of course I'm down to build a pillow fort.
If you are a mean person, sit with me and we can make fun of people.