You know it's lost when your mom can't find it.
I was tired of being a human, so I became a unicorn.
I am not lazy, now leave me alone so I can plan tomorrows nap.
Wow! This mirror is incredibly sexy!
Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet...
Being skinny may be nice, but hamburgers are even nicer.
"You break it, you buy it.”
No actually. I break it, slowly put it back, and awkwardly walk away...
Head to the kitchen to make a salad, leave with pizza.
Don't let them make fun of your weight, both your chins are beautiful.
I heard what you said, I just don't care.
"Polar bears suck at basketball"
- black bears
That awesome feeling you get eating a giant steak next to a vegetarian.
I blame everyone for my problems. Except Batman.
Walking around staples singing, "Look at me now, I'm getting paper!!"
When people ask me why I don't have any tattoos I say to them, "Would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?"
It's always hard finding my ass after I laugh it off.
"One Direction" has 12 letters. So does gayyyyyyyyyy. Coincidence? I think not.
What kind of bees make milk?
Santa is the biggest criminal on earth: he brakes into people's houses, leaves mysterious packages, and takes all my cookies.
I'll stop answering sarcastically when you start asking intelligent questions.
Try telling YOLO to a Buddhist.
Sometimes that light at the end of a tunnel is a train.
Of course I'm down to build a pillow fort.
If you are a mean person, sit with me and we can make fun of people.
I love when people post about the boring parts of their day. By the way, I ate an apple for lunch. Hashtag Delicious!
Every student: I didn't even study for this test.
Reality: They studied five hours for it.
I only tweet about serious things... By the way, I found Narnia last night.
People are always stealing my ideas before I think of them.
I'm not a nerd. Now who wants to dress up for the Game of Thrones premiere.
I didn't fall out of bed. I was just testing to see if I could fly.
If you can read this, you don't need glasses!
I'm only yawning because I'm really interested in what you're saying.
Roses are green
Violets are orange
I lost my toothbrush
This poem makes no sense
Only reason I didn't go to Hogwarts was because the tuition was too high. Also I was only accepted by Hufflepuff which is just embarrassing.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the pantry.
How is this my fault? I only answered sarcastically because it was a stupid question.