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Champion Kind
96% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I'm the other 5%.
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A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers..." So I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
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Dear 8 year old with an iPhone and Uggs, when I was 8, I had a Gameboy and light-up Sketchers. Sincerely, somebody needs a reality check.
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In kindergarden, anyone who had the 64 color pack with the sharpener ran that classroom!
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I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 6 or 7 times just to make sure.
Mom: "Have a great day at school" Me: "Don't tell me what to do"
Hi I'm Miley Cyrus and you're watching Disney Channel pic.twitter.com/DU28KOY5xS
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My abs are so ripped that I make sure to protect them with a layer of fat.
I sprayed mosquito repellent on a mosquito. Now he’ll never have any friends...
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I like to stop my microwave with 0:01 second left, it makes me feel like I'm defusing a bomb and saving lives.
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You know you are fat when you sit on an iPhone and it becomes and iPad.
What's red and tastes like an apple? A red apple.
I'm trying to find the appropriate time to tell my cat he's adopted.
I wonder what the first person who started milking a cow was thinking.
Singing in the shower and thinking "how have I not recorded an album yet?"
Where do cows go on the weekends? The slaughterhouse.
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If I could do inception, I would do it to my dogs. Our dreams would most likely be similar, food related.
The iPhone 5S is coming out soon. I can't wait to buy something I already own.
People who follow me get free ice cream. Actually, I lied. I ate all the ice cream.
Dinosaurs are just lies that are fed to us to cover up the existence of Pokemon.
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Some kids were dropped as a baby... But you were clearly thrown in the air, smacked by a ceiling fan, and tossed out the window.
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Getting a birthday card without money in it... the biggest disappointment in the world.
Back in elementary school, no one messed with the line leader.
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER.... until you ask me to share food.
I don't care if you are a glass half full or glass half empty kind of person. There is clearly room for more beer.