I like it when you like my tweets
owner of the bar: did you just spend the last 30 minutes in the bathroom violently throwing up?
it's going well, haters
'unemployment' is a funny word for teaching my cat how to use the commode
so we can all agree that celery is objectively the worst thing ever, right?
all the feels, now im old and jaded and
loling, my first day of work ever was a shoot w him for RS and I had to comb the city for this flavor & a matcha sold only at one store twitter.com/sethrogen/stat…
going to Josie's for the first time since graduation - will I burst into flames? updates to follow
already ugly girl crying during the first episode of this is us! more like this isn't going to end well!
I can tell my new neighbors are cool & fun bc of their wifi names, ex: drizzy drake island, becky with the good hair, gaggle of daiquiris
the hardest part of moving was telling my bodega man
Is it wrong that I'm attracted to Anthony bourdain??
desperately in need of drunch, hit me up in the dms friends 🍳🥂
it comfortably seats one human and one fierce hairless cat for all those interested
the new dog bed ended up being a little larger than anticipated and now Ethel has adopted it as her throne and won't let the dogs near it
did I stress order half a gallon of hot sauce in my sleep last night?! you'll never know (but yeah, yeah I did)
unfollowed me today & I think I can honestly say I've finally hit rock bottom
the best thing @katyperry
ever did was introduce us to backpack kid
It's comforting that Trump also sees a limo with the presidential seal and thinks, "That can't possibly be for Donald Trump." twitter.com/tommyxtopher/s…
*~ur wcw googles 'how to seem genuine' before a big job interview~*
MY BROTHER BOUGHT A DOG AND HE CAUGHT HIM TAKIN A SHIT LIKE DIS.....
going to a nickelback concert tn unironically so I guess I'm peaking?
daily reminder that THIS IS NOT NORMAL twitter.com/realdonaldtrum…
glad that ethel & I are on the same page when it comes to packing for the big move
honestly going to prison was the best thing to happen to martha stewart's personal brand
This reminds me: how is @FLOTUS
's campaign against cyber-bullying going? twitter.com/realdonaldtrum…
I don't need MIT grads to figure out my wine preferences, I already know them: 1. cheap 2. Old grape flavor
of course I was blackout the one time I got married
LinkedIn friends are so much better than real life friends
'blender' is a funny name for the margarita maker
2016: I can’t wait for this year to end. Next year can’t be worse.
2017: Remember to call your senators and ask them not to kill you
New Hampshire Republicans accidentally pass law allowing pregnant women to kill people huffp.st/dZo0TBd
still got mad love for bad bitch Ethel tho
update: my hairless cat has grown hair
it's sad how many traditions we let die
If you're waiting for the right moment to call your Senator about Trumpcare, the moment is now. Don't wait until it's too late. 202-224-3121
As the kids say... "Yeah boii!" 😉�twitter.com/neiltyson/stat…
I really haven't been the same since they took lizzie mcguire off the air
Update: landed in Amsterdam
I've always wanted to show up at the airport & book a random flight so here I am
the most relatable post on the internet these days twitter.com/nbcnewyork/sta…
Can a van be charged with terrorism? Asking for a couple billion friends.
Cool story--I'm a US citizen wearing a headwrap, and customs at JFK is not letting me back in the country
flashback to high school orientation when you had to sizzle on the floor like bacon in front of your new peers if you lost your name tag