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caprice crane
writers novels 178,642 followers
This is rePUGnant. "Her tongue tickles and I do feel her teeth, but…" #vomit #poordoggie #beyondwrong #sorryforthepun
Ladies, please don't wear white yoga pants in public. There's absolutely no reason I need to know every detail of your labia. Thanks.
Just stood in line behind a guy who seems to have tattooed the names of everybody he hates on his right leg. I've already created backstories for why he hates them. Joe stole his girlfriend when he met her at the abortion clinic the day she "just needed to do it alone." Greg cheated off his math hom
If someone says "Who are you gonna call" and your natural instinct isn't to say "Ghostbusters," I probably don't want to know you.
I don't care about time or distance. I just want my GPS to plan a route so my phone battery will be at 100% when I arrive.
A Times Square Spider-Man was arrested for demanding money from a woman & punching a cop. Apparently, with no power comes no responsibility.
I'm 97% sure this is Lloyd. Look at him showing off swinging upside down from the pole/squirrel-proof bird feeder. Lloyd's like "Squirrel-proof? Oh, you think so? Peep this!" There has definitely been a communication breakdown here. He looks me in the eye but then he scampers away. I guess there are
Maybe once I can eat a plate of spaghetti without getting it on my shirt, I'll be ready to have a kid.
POSSIBLE LLOYD SIGHTING. Sunday July 27, 2014. 2:56 PM. He looked at me when I called his name. He was trying to eat some bird food and then he ran to the hammock deck, took one more look at me and went into the trees. I can't be sure it was him but I have a glimmer of hope. #lloydthesquirrel #come
A haunted house, but it's just your entire Google search history being projected onto every wall.
If someone says, "I call bullshit," when you're lying, just be like, "Really? Does it answer?" Then run away. (I'm good at relationships.)
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but when you prove you're an idiot over & over, you really don't give me much to work with.
My mom told me it was "raining." But everybody knows it doesn't rain in Southern California--I think there's even a song about it. She thinks just because I'm blind, I'm also dumb. Not quite, lady. Am I supposed to believe that was also just a spontaneous massage and not shampoo? I call bullshit. #a
You'd think the toothless guy with one shoe winking & giving me a thumbs up wouldn't really impact my day, but you'd be wrong. Still got it.
We see you, couple sitting on the same side of the booth who can't stop kissing, and we give you another 3 weeks of that nonsense. Tops.
Do you think if I stay quiet and sit perfectly still nobody will notice me? #stowaway #dontmindme #nothingtoseehere
Trying to talk to my new sea lion friends was a lot like trying to watch "The View." Everybody was talking over each other and most of it didn't make sense. #sealions #newfriends #theview #dontallbarkatonce
People who try to defend themselves by saying, "I'm a good person," are 100% never good people.
82 awesome folks are featured on this OneKid OneWorld music/comedy charity album (p.s. It def helps more than 1 kid.)
If you can't handle me at my hungriest, you don't deserve me when I'm full.
Looking at Facebook is like using a decoder ring to find out which of your friends and family are the biggest racists.
Happy birthday to @Kyle_Lippert who is a good kid if you can get past him being the worst. #ff #whendoigetmycheck
Few things can burst your bubble like accidentally opening your front-facing camera.
"When in Rome." #canttakemeanywhere #40thousandwomencantbewrong #tigerwoods #golfing #getinthehole
It's 11:30am and I've already seen a man in heels and short shorts who looks better than I ever will. #sopretty #noshameinthiswalk #fierce