You can see us both leaning in. This is moments before I got to kiss handsome Andrew the horse. It was love at first sight. #luckyme #thegentlebarn
This is Biscuit. He weighs a thousand pounds. We had a nice talk and some cuddles later. I love him. #happiness
Looking for something awesome to read? amzn.to/UKHJlR @capricecrane
wrote a good one!!!
This is my friend Hanna! She is perfect. #goats
Made a new friend today. This is Duchess. #llama #didntspit
PEOPLEFAX! Like CARFAX but a full history report on how the person treated other human beings. ™
Shout out to my boo, Netflix.
Sorry your baby is a mean drunk. Maybe next time don't ask me to babysit?
Turning water into wine? Well I can turn wine into a series of very bad decisions. Your move, Jesus.
Sorry, but if you write, "your welcome," I'm afraid I'll have to rescind the "thank you."
Makeup? ✔ Good hair day? ✔ The perfect angle? ✔ Same photo taken 19 times until you hate yourself and scrap the whole thing? ✔
Special deal today only! Get "Confessions of a Hater" in hardcover for only $9.61 at amazon with code BOOKDEAL :) amazon.com/gp/product/125…
The only difference between Black Friday and the zombie apocalypse is the zombies don't care if you get the last HD TV.
Emily and I on a Thanksgiving double-date. As you can see Emily and the Cookie Monster already got to 2nd base. Elmo doesn't seem to want to get busy at all. Story of my life.
Took my friend Emily to Radio City for some Thanksgiving fun. She asked if she could yell at the Santa to tell him he was fat but I suggested she not because she'd already called three other people fat today. #grateful #thanksgiving
Q. What are you most thankful for today?
A. Elastic waistbands
No thanks, mass text that says "Gobble Gobble."
Max is freshly groomed and ready for Thanksgiving. He chose to represent the Bloods today but he promises not to put a cap in yo ass, as long as you give him ALL your food. #thugmax #pimp
They should make glory holes for petting puppies.
Max kept me up all night in this hotel so I'm trying to keep him up all day so we both sleep tonight. Here I'm doing so by balancing a water bottle on his head. #stupidpettricks #revengeissweet #paymecocacola
We see you, couples posting on Facebook about how happy you are, and we know you're full of shit.
This is hideous.
I love that these people embraced their bad Yelp reviews. Because people who go out if their way to write shitty reviews are cunts. #cunts
Remember when we all had attention spans?
People are like snowflakes. I avoid them at all costs.
I guess these people ran out of indoor wall space. Hate it when that happens. #ilovela
People who complain about how early it gets dark aren't considering the fact that it's now acceptable to start drinking much earlier.
Everyone's freaking because Kim Kardashian's naked in Kanye's new video. What really would have been shocking is if Kim kept her clothes ON.
When @pretzelcrisps asked me to DM my address, you better believe I gave it to them in record time. And look what the wonderful people at #pretzelcrisps dropped off for me! This should last at least until tomorrow...but no promises. Thanks, Pretzel Gods! #yum #pretzelblessed
Love is letting someone use your charger when your phone has even less battery left.
Flashbacks to my Ken Doll disappointment all over again. :(
It's always adorable when someone apologizes for being late while holding the steaming hot latte they just stopped to get.
This is so sad. My baby Max just lost one of his bottom teeth. (He has none on top.) Aging is a bitch. #perfectunderbite #still
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, good luck getting out of my basement.
I mean, what can I say. It's true. #hereforyou
Hey, balding dudes with ponytails: Nope.
Dance like nobody's watching. Friend request your enemy. Drink 6 Red Bulls. Put on face paint. Climb onto your roof. JUMP OFF!
GTA5 sets a very dangerous example for teens. Now, please excuse me while I buy a piñata for my 5-year-old niece to beat the shit out of.
- The five stages of realizing a place has no wifi
Do Americans who say "ciao" or "cheers" realize that everyone they know can't stand them?
Not the worst. #sunset
Ryan Gosling is 33 but he doesn't look a day over still not my boyfriend. :(
If by "productive" you mean "successfully deciding what I'd eat for lunch," then yes I have had a very productive morning.
Thank you to all the brave men and women who served and continue to serve our country. (Including my dad who was an air force veteran and an all-around genius.) #usa #veteransday
Girl next to me is "literally dying" because her friend's boots are "uh-mazing." Thanks for nothing, Obamacare.
"So it's sorta social. Demented and sad but social."
❒ Bender to Brian in The Breakfast Club
❒ My life, thanks to the internet
Max pretended to be a stuffed animal and my friend Emily totally bought it. #sucker
If you have to say "Underneath that, he's a good person," everyone knows even deeper down, he's the same asshole.
The upshot of all of this Rob Ford stuff is that Canadians finally have something real to apologize for.