All those in favor of drinking some wine, raise your hand: pic.twitter.com/XtCU1BJDdb
Justin Bieber's slow transformation into Vanilla Ice is almost complete: pic.twitter.com/NQ7FsQSOIn
Two things I REALLY hate about Twitter. 1. It doesn't notify me when it's your Birthday. 2. You can't tell when I'm being Sarcastic.
Scarlett Johansson may play Hillary Clinton. The movie will cover that one time when Hillary Clinton looked nothing like Hillary Clinton.
Is there an app for you not telling me about apps?
It's sad that Kim Kardashian will never love Kanye West as much as Kanye West loves Kanye West.
I see what you did there, Google: pic.twitter.com/FkY9Lpo1v3
These food stamps taste terrible.
Wallet chains are a good way to let the ladies know you've got about $7 you don't want to lose.
The world is my oyster. And I'm allergic to shellfish.
This is what happens when you give kangaroos internet access: pic.twitter.com/kHclBfKHHZ
1. Chillin' out
4. All Cool
(Settings on my Fresh Prince of Bel Air Conditioner)
My next door neighbor is a bitch... so I just snuck into her house and taught her parrot to say "my husband can never find out about us."
'Vegetarians' don't eat meat. 'Vegans' also don't eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
If you have no regrets you're either a liar or an asshole.
My neighbor knocked on my door and asked me to at least keep it down while I'm having sex. I said, "I'm home alone eating a deep dish pizza"
Daytime TV is incentive to get a job.
Vegetarians maliciously starve animals by competing with them for the same food.
The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone's face at Starbucks.
Marriage = Betting someone half your shit that you'll love them forever.
Sarcasm is my 2nd favorite kind of asm.
Just wrote "calculators" on a boob.
I've copied and pasted your status many times and cancer persists to claim lives. Any other bright ideas?
If you can't be with the one you love, drug the one they're with.
I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental pocket dial like I'm in an FBI van.
Paula Deen’s fans have come out to defend her. At least we think so, hard to clearly understand them through their hoods.
I keep forgetting - which Disney princess is it who solves all her own problems without trying to find a boyfriend?
oh look the pretty girl made a tweet let's all pretend it's funny
i have an amazing body for someone about a foot taller than me.
Found a Dusty Springfield album in the attic. Actually, it's a Rick Springfield album, it's just been up there a while.
Hey man, you got a really nice house. No homo-wner.