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Comedians For Cancer
All those in favor of drinking some wine, raise your hand: pic.twitter.com/XtCU1BJDdb
Justin Bieber's slow transformation into Vanilla Ice is almost complete: pic.twitter.com/NQ7FsQSOIn
Two things I REALLY hate about Twitter. 1. It doesn't notify me when it's your Birthday. 2. You can't tell when I'm being Sarcastic.
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Scarlett Johansson may play Hillary Clinton. The movie will cover that one time when Hillary Clinton looked nothing like Hillary Clinton.
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Is there an app for you not telling me about apps?
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It's sad that Kim Kardashian will never love Kanye West as much as Kanye West loves Kanye West.
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Wallet chains are a good way to let the ladies know you've got about $7 you don't want to lose.
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The world is my oyster. And I'm allergic to shellfish.
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This is what happens when you give kangaroos internet access: pic.twitter.com/kHclBfKHHZ
1. Chillin' out 2. Maxin' 3. Relaxin, 4. All Cool (Settings on my Fresh Prince of Bel Air Conditioner)
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My next door neighbor is a bitch... so I just snuck into her house and taught her parrot to say "my husband can never find out about us."
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'Vegetarians' don't eat meat. 'Vegans' also don't eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
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If you have no regrets you're either a liar or an asshole.
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My neighbor knocked on my door and asked me to at least keep it down while I'm having sex. I said, "I'm home alone eating a deep dish pizza"
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Vegetarians maliciously starve animals by competing with them for the same food.
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The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone's face at Starbucks.
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Marriage = Betting someone half your shit that you'll love them forever.
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I've copied and pasted your status many times and cancer persists to claim lives. Any other bright ideas?
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If you can't be with the one you love, drug the one they're with.
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I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental pocket dial like I'm in an FBI van.
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Paula Deen’s fans have come out to defend her. At least we think so, hard to clearly understand them through their hoods.
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I keep forgetting - which Disney princess is it who solves all her own problems without trying to find a boyfriend?
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oh look the pretty girl made a tweet let's all pretend it's funny
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i have an amazing body for someone about a foot taller than me.
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Found a Dusty Springfield album in the attic. Actually, it's a Rick Springfield album, it's just been up there a while.
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Hey man, you got a really nice house. No homo-wner.
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